Tuesday, July 21, 2009

How to Train a Man

Let me let you in on a little secret: Despite all their posturing, men are actually really vulnerable to women, and most men will do anything to hide this. Every day, they obsess over women’s bodies, women’s sensuality, women’s opinions of them, their ability to please women romantically and in bed…. and how to cover all that up under the illusion that they are indifferent to whether women like them or not. Some common ways men are encouraged to prove this indifference to themselves and others include disrespectful talk about women with the guys, trying to hurt women’s feelings, and generally defying what women want. Curiously, all such attempts from them seem to require an audience, usually male, which operates as a pep rally for psyching themselves out until they actually believe themselves.

They go to great lengths to hide their constant vulnerability towards the opposite sex from themselves. In relationships, they might hold on to this persistent fa├žade by arguing, being contradictory, teasing and pushing buttons, and acting out in brazen selfishness with anything from using porn to blowing off household chores.

The thing about denial, however, is that the charade used to mask what one is so ashamed of has to escalate in intensity in order to keep blocking out one’s ever-nagging consciousness of it. And so you see some men making public attempts to provoke women with insults, making a show of indifference towards women’s unhappiness with them, speaking about women in a diminutive way with terms that trivialize their womanhood, and even acting out in physical ways against women. They make a hobby out of denying their emotional vulnerability to women’s approval of them, apparently bitter that women still dominate their thought life.

The fact that so many men work so hard to act this way in front of an audience shows just how much their behavior is an attempt to change their social image rather than being an indication of how they actually feel. Why do they have to prove their emotional invulnerability to others if they are so secure about it? Why put so much effort into denying something if they don't have something to hide?

It’s just like what many of us experienced with boys back in elementary school: boys often went out of their way to provoke, insult, and otherwise annoy the girls they actually liked and wanted to be around in order to prevent them and everyone else from knowing it. (Brilliant, eh? Lot of good it did them).

So, if men’s posturing and arguing don’t necessarily indicate what they want, but how they want to appear, what are they hiding? Consciously or subconsciously, men want more than anything to be wanted by women, to be able to attract the focused attention of the woman they're pursuing to the same degree that she attracts they're attention, which is a lot. Why do you think they drop their guy friends so readily once they get love-struck by some mysterious woman?

This means that whatever behavior of his manages to draw her attention and keep it on him largely determines how he treats her, whether that be because he is charming her or pissing her off.

When a man is really interested in a woman, whatever she wants in a man is what he wants to be for her, because he wants his already intense attention and appreciation of her womanly charms to be reciprocated. If she accommodates her own interests, he will adjust his behavior to ensure he continues to remain one of them. Once he has that reciprocation, however, he’s got what he wants so he has no reason to change what he’s doing. That’s alright if what he’s doing is bending over backwards to please you, but not if he’s slacking off. Give a man his ego trip and your attention and he’ll take both. Make him choose between the two and, if he’s into you, he’ll eventually choose your attention and drop the attitude.

Behavior therapy is very handy for this purpose.

The incentive for a man is a woman's expression of pleasure and approval when he leaves his comfort zone to try and charm her. Consistent acknowledgement of what a man does right will evoke more of the same from him, and willingness to go even beyond that to do other things you suggest. Expressing satisfaction when he does it right is the key to keeping it going. That satisfaction and pleasure as a response to him signals that he's just succeeded in making himself more important to you.

All men, however, are prone to slip into the selfish modes of their upbringing. If they think they can’t be what a woman wants, they will settle for negative attention from a woman and begin to provoke her. Often, women can reinforce a bad behavior in a man just by giving him extra attention for it, even if it’s negative attention. That’s why negative attention towards men, like nagging or throwing dishes at them, rarely keeps a bad behavior of theirs at bay for very long- it is still a type of attention. This is where your honesty about how his behaviors turn you on or off comes in handy, if it’s expressed as an increase or decrease in your interest.

One of the best ways to discourage a bad behavior then is to highlight your lack of interest in it. Whether he’s just getting to know you or he already knows better, let the loss of your attention be the punishment for his disrespectful or difficult attitude by taking distance from him in whatever way works best for you.

If he complains about your cooking, for example, have him cook for himself the following night while you go out to dinner with a friend. If he teases you or makes jokes at your expense, look at him as if he’s speaking gibberish and acting unusually strange, then postpone your Saturday night plans with him and go out with the ladies to a hot comedy club instead. It will be much funnier than him. If he argues with your personal decisions, or pressures you to change them, cut your time with him short by saying you have to get up early in the morning and need the whole bed to yourself to get a full night’s rest. Subtle reminders that you have other things you can be doing and other people to see will usually snap a man out of his indifference act.

If he repeats any of these negative behaviors, tell him directly what you don’t like about what he’s doing, and what behavior you want from him instead. If he persists despite your warning, tell him to leave so you can re-evaluate the relationship, then ignore his calls. Don’t argue. Take space and cool down. He’ll regret it later. A woman doesn’t have to get emotional and upset to teach a man a lesson. Just give him a choice.

If you’re in a female-led relationship, you can make a policy of stopping a heated argument by tying him to a chair in the bedroom for a little while and getting other things done around the house. Don’t forget to gag him! It gives him time to calm down and rethink his approach and it gives you time to do something you enjoy instead. Finish that book you’re in the middle of, or order take-out and enjoy watching a movie in the next room.

To complete his lessons, wait until he shows a change of heart and until you’re feeling better, and then give him a chance to rephrase what he was trying to say before. Tell him what behavior you want from him instead of what he did, what type of behavior will please you, and have him do a few practice runs with you right then and there. When he does it to your satisfaction, reinforce this with some light praise.

Then, just to prove to the both of you that he can earn back your trust and confidence in him, assign him an unpleasant task or duty as a punishment for having upset you in the first place. It will prove just how sorry he really is for putting you down and being knowingly offensive. It can be cleaning toilets, buying tampons at a crowded supermarket, or bending over to take a spanking of some sort. You’ll be surprised how much better you’ll feel once he accomplishes this as a token of his commitment to change his attitude. And once he endures it, he will feel much more optimistic about trying to be the man you want, now that he has a way to make up for his possible failures and start over with a clean slate from you.

The more a man thinks he can be what a woman wants, and knows she won’t tolerate anything less, the more he will try for the positive attention rather than the negative attention.

In fact, assigning a man tasks that benefit you, especially tasks that challenge him, and showing him positive attention when he carries them out, strengthens this positive dynamic, increasing your trust in and satisfaction with him and increasing his sense of adventure in pleasing you.

Physical challenges are the best. Ask him if he can cook a three course French meal totally nude without burning himself or the food. See if he can carry both you and the groceries up the stairs and through the front door at the same time. Have him vacuum the whole house each day with 20-pound weights on his arms and legs. That will help get him in shape. Suggest he practice Kegel exercises and see how many times in a row you can have sex without him losing his erection. There are endless variations on this theme. Make sure when he succeeds to show him how excited and pleased you are by the results of his hard work. Challenge him to make slightly larger sacrifices of his comfort zone than he is used to in order to accommodate your sense of fun, and both of you will be excited when he exceeds his previous achievements. It will increase his excitement about making you ultra happy.

These are just the basics, of course. A woman can develop her own strategies along these same principles, according to what she knows about her partner, and the relationship will take on its own style of conflict resolution and romance.

Training a man is all about a woman getting the most from her man for the building of intimacy in the relationship, which requires him to come out of his privileged status so he can get to know and relate to her more. Helping him break free from ridiculous corporate myths and personal denial by confronting him with his desire for and attraction to her is all part of it. Why should other men's delusions control his state of mind towards her and get in the way of the intimacy between them?

For more, check out Sherry Argov's advice on getting the most out of your man.

70 comments:

Jimmy said...

Look at you, you vile creature. You push out these vicious lies about man and all we ask you to do is to stay in the kitchen and cook us a meal after we've paid the way for your selfish actions.

You think you are 'empowered' and 'equal', whereas you are abusing your position over a man to put him into a lower state. Spreading this sick filth will only twist the mind of young vulnerable women, and surely they will die all alone with their paintbruch and hairy armpits.

Dear oh dear, does that make me a testosterone pumped, steroid injecting, beer swilling hooligan? Of course not, do some research, just as I did, you may see the wood from the trees. The mainstream ideals pump out lies, designed to keep you to just one point of view.

Now comb your minge out of that knot it's in, you miserable fascist.

Anonymous said...

Coming from a woman, this article hits the spot.
Unless the fairer sex wake up to the reality of a misogynistic society, men will walk all over us.
Nice article I really enjoyed it :)
Take care.

Erin said...

much to enjoy, consider, rethink here - thank you for sharing your thoughts (and wisdom!)!! ALSO, I'd like to indirectly thank the guy who recommend I subscribe to your blog.

Blanche Black said...

Great to hear from you. I'm happy to say women and men from all over seem to be waking up to relationship satisfaction through female leadership. It's even starting to be reflected in pop culture.

Blanche Black said...

Exhibit A: Jimmy, (see above). Perfect example of the denial through overcompensation mode.

Looks like this hits a little too close to the bone for you, Jimmy.

Anonymous said...

Women like you make me so angry. You really think that if he is making you suffer his idiotic behaviour, the way to correct it is to make him suffer you ignoring him/belittling him in return? By doing that, you're no better than him, infact your behaviour is just as low and ridiculous.
If a man treats you like crap, to the point where this 'article' seems a good idea, tell him to f--- off and find a nicer guy to be with.

Blanche Black said...

Well, make up your mind. Are you going to be angry and critical towards a woman for teaching a man a lesson, or are you going to suggest that she not take angry and critical crap from a man and teach him a lesson? It seems like you don't have much of an ability to recognize crap when you see it or know how to effectively deal with it.

You could have settled your own argument by eliminating your own angry and critical crap and punishing yourself.

Anonymous said...

All I have to say is damn...you really nailed it. And I can't believe people like Jimmy and that one hateful anonymous person have the nerve to write what they did. What makes you so disgusted by this woman's words? You hate this type of woman huh? The type of woman who instead of being treated like a dog wants to give their partner a taste of their own medicine? If she left a man like that to find a "nicer" one, what happens to the a**hole she dumped? He'll just go prey on another woman! This cycle MUST stop.

I also want to point out that if a man wrote this type of article, I bet it would be accepted as the norm (because basically, it is). You wouldn't blink twice. There's nothing wrong with a woman asserting herself. If men can be dominant (as they have been for a very, I'll say too long, of a time), women deserve a chance too--especially when it comes to their own well being. Don't be greedy with the power! And as for you Jimmy, I hope the young vulnerable women of the world will one day be safe from YOU!

Anonymous said...

I agree, women are far superior to men! Heil Hitler!

Blanche Black said...

The thing is, none of these techniques involve forcing a man to do anything he doesn't want to do, and none of these things maims or traumatizes him. They give him a choice, and the choice to be rude and insulting to a woman comes along with discomfort for him... so what kind of man wants to save a rude and insulting man from discomfort? Men who like to be rude and insulting to women and don't want any consequences for it.

What's funny is how dramatic men are about their own inconvenience or discomfort. They whine and complain until they get their way, because that's what they found worked for them before puberty. But they aren't a little boy anymore, and the women they date aren't their Mommy.

So it's very simple. You can't get something from people for nothing. If a man is rude and insulting to people at the office, they soon stop socializing with him and avoid him, until he changes. If they allow him to get away with antisocial behavior at work, and then he hits someone in the face for spilling his coffee or sneaks out during work hours to work another job across town, he will still get fired or arrested. That's called a consequence, and the same types of consequences apply to relationships with women.

So just like in other social situations, if a man sees the small consequences for antisocial behavior early on, he will be unlikely to do damage to the relationship that results in big consequences later on.

If a man wants a woman to see him during her free time, or let him sleep in her bed, there are certain conditions that come with those voluntary invitations from her.

And they are voluntary on her part. After all, it would be fascist for a man to think she shouldn't have a choice as to how she uses her free time and personal property.

Jimmy said...

Woman, what are you trying to prove. You honestly think that women are strong enough to tye down a man? You are indeed misguided. For the reason man is dominate is that HE can pin down the weak and not the other way around. This is because it is the easiest way for a man to spread his seed, and has been for millenia.

Of course, we are forgetting the societal reasons as to why man is superior. Has there ever been a successful woman leader? Has a woman ever invented anything other than the nightly meal? No, of course not. You are being deceitful to the point of slander, and this treacherous assault on man must stop IMMEDIATELY.

Anonymous said...

Ummm...

I find all of this a bit odd.

I'm not mean to women, and saying that this is the norm for men... well, you need to meet some of my friends because I and they just wouldn't be that mean or demeaning to a woman.

I don't understand the whole teaching a guy a lesson idea though. I get the point that tat type of guy is doing something wrong, but I don't get the point of trying to train one. I wouldn't try to train a woman, I'd just figure we weren't compatible an get out. It almost seems like it's trying to mother the guy, which is, well, what should have happened with his parents. If someone becaomes an adult and hasn't mastered the sort of social and relationship skills you talk of it is highly unlikely that they will change. I work in education and unless someone has been well parented to the age of 7 they are pretty much lost.

Also, not forcing a man to do anything he doesn't want to do does not reconcile with tying him to a chair.

Anonymous said...

Blanche Black,

This really is a magnificent post. Men need to be trained to serve women and reconditioned to adopt the right attitudes toward women if they want female affection and attention. Women need to assert themselves and train men to act properly. This is a wonderful primer and it really made me happy to read it and know that some women truly get us real men and what we need and want out of life. I would love to be trained by you.

Farsight said...

Your not taking into account that not all men are like this, it just seems you hate all men, be them good or bad. I can tell this by the way you have written this blog entry.

If you were in a position of power, all men would be locked up and only used for reproduction.

You make me sick, just because some man has been bad to you, doesnt mean all of them are bad.

Blanche Black said...

Oh, Jimmy.

Well, apparently you don’t like to read much.

I just pass on advice and information here. The proving of things has already been taken care of by other authors. You obviously have yet to catch up.

I would recommend you start by reading Patently Female by Vare Ptacek, Mothers and Daughters of Invention by Autumn Stanley, and The Mercury 13 by Martha Ackermann.

Spacesuits, windshield wipers, PDA’s, Kelmar, the Mars Rover, Buffered Asprin, computer gaming, computer compilers, and the first computer program (by Ada Byron, which the Dept. of Defense affectionately named “Ada” in 1979), were all invented by women. These are just a few examples. Read the books yourself.

Now, lest you give anyone the impression that women didn’t exist in history before this point in time, let me set the record straight. Didn’t you realize that male editors edit your history books?

Leaders: *Elizabeth I was one of the most important and successful leaders in history, turning England from a backwards, third-rate nation, second to France and Spain, into a major world power.
*Mrs. Margaret Thatcher, the first woman prime minister of Great Britain, took over the country during perhaps the most difficult period in English history, successfully dealing with the "Falklands War" while pulling England out of a deep recession and leading England's industrial revival.

Soldiers: The "battalion of death" in the 1917 Russian Revolution. Also, the many who dressed as male soldiers to fight in European and American wars, like Catalina de Eranso who served under the pseudonym Alonso Diaz Ramirez de Guzman in the Spanish army, the woman known only as Dr. James Barry who served as a British soldier and medical superintendent-general, Phoebe Hessel (Eng.), Hannah Snell(Eng.), Mary Anne Talbot(Eng.), Deborah Sampson/Robert Shurtleff in the American Revolution, and another hundred and twenty-seven other documented women who fought in the American Civil War in male disguise, not including the undocumented ones. And then there is the murderous outlaw Grace O'Malley, leading an all male crew who sailed an entire fleet of ships. And that is only a list from Western Civilization.

Athletes: *Babe Didrikson, the professional athlete who mastered multiple sports, played basketball on an otherwise male team, and broke three world records (originally set by men) in the 1932 Olympics.
*Gertrude Ederlee, who broke the men’s record for swimming the English Channel by two hours in 1925.
*Jackie Mitchell, a 17-year old female pitcher who struck out Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig in a 1931 exhibition game.
*Chyna, a wrestler in the WWF who won two Intercontinental titles vs. men, obtained the Women's Championship belt and remains undefeated. She beat HHH, Stone Cold, Chris Jericho, Mankind, The Rock, Undertaker and Kane in her wrestling career.

That is not to say that men don’t have more muscle and body mass than women or have exceptional athletic prowess as a relatively unique gender asset. I’m happy to say they do. Personally I find such assets to be a turn on- it makes them special and very useful as personal entertainment and for taking care of household chores.

Now go get an education and stop wasting everyone’s time.

Blanche Black said...

"Your not taking into account that not all men are like this"

Like what? Defensive, rude, vindictive, self-centered, spoiled? Some of the comments left here, besides your own, are proof to the contrary.

It's men's thinking that has been left unchecked so that habitual self-excusing and minimizing of others' concerns is allowed to grow. Some refer to this as over-entitlement. This clouds their perception of what they do, and those they do it towards. When others don't hold them fully accountable for it, which is often the case, they get desensitized to their own arrogance and wind up behaving in these ways quite frequently.

Blanche Black said...

"Also, not forcing a man to do anything he doesn't want to do does not reconcile with tying him to a chair."

It's important to understand that this technique is a suggestion specifically for situations where the woman and the man agree on policy for conflict resolution, as well as the use of bondage (which is common in certain types of relationships). The man voluntarily goes along with it in his desire to stop being obnoxious by arguing heatedly with her.

This technique is also one of many techniques discussed in this article, and it is mentioned only in reference to FLR and Femdom couples.

Anonymous said...

I enjoyed the article, but find that that some of the men who criticize it are missing the point. The point, as I see it, is to help men transcend their male ego, which has been been bequeathed to them by patriarchal culture. And that takes hard work. Instead of thinking "me, me" all the time, the idea is for men to learn to appreciate women for a change. It is possible for men to take this appreciation into higher and higher levels of action. The result is not men becoming mindless with no sense of self at all, but highly disciplined and creative assistants to women. This is not a one-sided relationship, because women will respond accordingly to men by meeting their needs.

I took the bondage suggestion by Ms. Black as something playful. it could also be taken as something metaphorical: a giving up of controlling behaviors by allowing oneself to be controlled for a change. The goal is to build a new kind of ego, which can be focused on others. Women can teach men about this new kind of ego, if men want to learn. Ms. Black is encouraging and guiding women in doing this. Again, the point is to create a more evolved male who can truly appreciate,serve, and love the woman in his life.

Richard

Richard said...

I’d like to expand a bit on what I said in the last message. I think a man can get a lot of pleasure and satisfaction from being a helpmate to women. Some of this was addressed by Ms. Christina in her message on chivalry. The key has to do with the man striving to improve himself by adopting female values. Instead of placing values like “gentleness, courtesy, hospitality to the poor and oppressed, deference to others, unselfish love, endurance of suffering, loyalty, chastity, and faith in God” lower, we need, for the sake of humanity’s future, to place them higher. At that point we will begin to admire women and use them as role models. Certainly, they will not be the only role models, but once that value shift happens we can take we can accept that women can be our teachers, mentors, and superiors without becoming defensive. This already happens in romantic love, but if we change our values, it can become the norm.
But, there is also another satisfaction. When we give up our selfish male ego, we experience a release of a burden. There is a deep seated wound of separation from the feminine and from humanity as a whole that men experience when as children they adopt this independent, insensitive, “tough” ego ideal of patriarchal manliness. When we relinquish it, the result is a healing of that wound and a kind of ecstasy. That happens at the point we allow ourselves to be vulnerable in a relationship in which women can correct us, instruct us, outsmart us., and claim their authority over us. It also happens when we allow ourselves to identify with and take pleasure in women’s success in the world. It may seem paradoxical, but there is a deep pleasure in this. And it can compensate us for the discipline and focus it takes to become our lover’s helpmate. We can still be autonomous in the world and achieve great things as men, but in relation to women we take pride in being utterly female-directed because of what it does for us. The new male ego seeks out relationships with women whom he can look up to, whom he can learn from, and in generally who have the strength and wisdom to lead them and be the head of their relationship.
We men shouldn’t automatically reject this new kind of value-based relationship out of fear of being rejected by others or of losing our sense of self. There is a new sense of self waiting to be claimed and enjoyed. And it will lead to a better civilization.
I would like to acknowledge Ms Christina here for her visionary wisdom, her inspiration, and her willingness to teach women and men a different way. She has been my guide in this process.

Richard

Blanche Black said...

Very eloquent, Richard. I enjoy hearing how you relate to these ideas.

I like your thoughts on the "new male ego". Men's self care and substantial gain is a vital part of why many men choose to open themselves to women's teaching.

Many people don't realize how many men espouse these same ideas.

Blanche Black said...

Note to readers:

These comments are moderated. I allow both positive and negative comments, as can be seen here and on other articles.

However, comments consisting almost entirely of abusive language or leaps of imagination regarding my personal identity will not be posted.

Anyone so intimidated by my writing that they have to resort to speculative insults for lack of ability to discuss article content is speaking off-topic; if the article is so unconvincing, then why react so vehemently?

Ben said...

I have to put my hand up, I teased girls at school (especially the ones I liked) because negative attention was better than being ignored.
A slap, a stare, a cruel word in return, were all proof that I was in her thoughts for at least a moment.

My only excuse is I knew of no other methods of impressing women, other than the 'show-off' technique.

Oh, my kingdom for some instruction, some guidance... both then and now :-)

Ben

Kathy said...

Dear Christine,

Thank you so much for making a comment on my blog.

Your excellent writting skills add a touch of class to my posting.

While I have never thought of male submissive behavior as a kink, as much as a natural need, your comment on Femdom 101 gave me an entire new way of looking at the issue.

As women we need to understand more about the male need for female authoirty. In my view we need to be more open and accepting of it. Your blog is an excellent resource for any women who has a need to understand more about this important issue.

To an extent all men need some degree of training by the women in their life. It is nothing for either the wife or husband to be ashamed of. A well trained, obedient man is not only a treasure, but is a more useful member of society.

One of the things I regret is that it is very difficult for me to talk with my daughter about male submission. This is something I want her to know about, to understand; but at the same time don't feel comfortable discussing the issues with her.

In some ways male submission is like the elephant in the room. It is big, it is there, and it needs to be delt with. However, no one wants to talk openly about it.

For many reasons I hope that my daughter may one day have the opportunity to read your blog.
If you write a book I will be the first person to purchase a copy.
No, two copies, one for my married daughter.


Love, Kathy

Chris said...

I'm not sure I agree with anyone here. I am not in a relationship where the female is in charge, but I am intrigued by the concept, and as I read this article, I can only conclude that the author does not share my vision of it. A female-led relationship is just that: a relationship led by a female. I don't think tying a parter to a chair, or ignoring them is healthy. That is how you treat disobedient dogs; not humans. Men in this day and age forgot how to be men and women forgot how to be women. A man needs to feel useful, productive, thoughtful, trusted, etc. A woman needs to feel needed, wanted, relied upon, longed for, etc. A female-led relationship is one where the guy has a job that involves working 60 hours a week, and has no time to research decisions that would be best for a family, so the woman takes over. Another scenario could be a relationship where the woman is the bread-winner and the man is a simple minded being who loves his wife and puts all his trust in her. If any of these scenarios involves cooking naked or tying someone to a chair, then we have serious problems! If my wife cooked a meal, and I lied to her by telling her it tastes great, and she then attempted to make the same meal for guests, she's be very annoyed at me that night! Any relationship is about honesty; a female-led relationship is simply the addition of an emotional element in decision making which men lack. Marrying a man who needs to be tied to a chair for any reason is like buying a car which needs to be kicked a few times just to get it started - time for a trade-in. You know the biggest problem with this article? The word "love" is only used once, and not in a context that suggests a mutual feeling of trust and devotion. When my relationship with my wife is female-led, concepts like "love" and "trust" and "devotion" are the centerpiece, and the same goes when the relationship is male-led or not led at all...

Blanche Black said...

Kathy-

So well said. Love your blog too.

-Ms. Christina

subservient-husband said...

Ms. Christina,

thx for the nice post on Femdom 101. It was a true nugget. Your effort to share your wisdom is apperciated.

-SH

Blanche Black said...

Chris,

Actually this is a perspective that I'm glad you added to the discussion. There are FLR's that do not involve any Femdom-type discipline, and it's good to put that out they’re as an alternative to male-led relationships.

The "tying a man up" idea is one small part of my essay that only pertains to FLR's that incorporate Femdom into the mix, which many readers here practice. (Femdom is practiced only with mutual consent).

However, the other techniques for not putting up with rudeness and selfishness -which are far more common among men than you may think- actually come from techniques psychologists commonly suggest for boundary-setting for both people in a relationship. Men should take space from a woman too, if they feel she is forcing them to do something against their will (barring pre-arranged agreements like Femdom).

However, in all the techniques I suggested, women set their boundaries more firmly- not against domestic abuse, which is not dealt with here, but against the things women commonly complain about in the company of other women: men's relative selfishness in relationships, sometimes referred to as bachelor behavior. Men frequently go beyond basic “boundary setting” techniques and feel quite a bit more entitled to get what they want than most women do, and that's just common cultural leniency towards men and cultural expectation of self-sacrifice from women. It's our culture's gender bias, the "boys will be boys" and women as caretakers mentality.

So, it's women who need to be deliberate about their boundary-setting, taking space when men are causing relationship problems, and in doing so setting higher standards for their partners behavior than men are used to, testing the quality of the man if you will.

The thing is, the majority of marriages in this country end in divorce, not to mention live-in relationships. And those divorces do not necessarily coincide with domestic abuse, unfortunately actually. So, there must be another reason why so many women get fed up and leave their men. Maybe, just maybe, those men are desensitized to their own unpleasantness for their wives and only learn to modify their treatment of women once their first wives/partners stop sleeping with them and eventually divorce them.

From my own dating experience with both post-divorced men and never-married men, I can attest than men seem to learn their lessons in relationship etiquette best after experiencing negative consequences for bachelor behavior.

-Ms. Christina

Anonymous said...

Ms. Christina,

Thank you for posting your comment to Mistress Katherine's blog. Not only did it give me much to think about, it directed me to your blog. Now I have two sources of superior female wisdom to learn from.

So much of what you have written is true for me. I have learned the value of humbling myself before women and serving them, sacrificing for their benefit. I only wish that the lady for whom I held the door open at the office building this morning had allowed me to thank her for the priviledge of serving rather than thanking me. I wish I could have knelt to her in the elevator and thanked her for brightening my day; because she did, just by allowing me to serve her.

I look forward to learning more from you.

Thank you again.

Yardbird

Chris said...

I understand your point about tying someone up to have them demonstrate their submission. It's a complex issue, but I see why it's done.

craig said...

Ms. Christina,

Thank you for the insightful comment on the femdom101 blog (Jul 27 2009). It is helpful for us guys to read the female words of wisdom from women like you and Mistress Kathy.

-ch

Y. said...

Ms. Christina,

Very very special thanks for the "full of wisdom" comment on femdom101. I really appreciate for reading your precious sentences there. I also started to read your blog too.

Thanks again.
Y.

Blanche Black said...

Yardbird, You are welcome.

Anonymous said...

Dear Mistress Christina

Thank you for your useful and comforting post on Mistress Kathy's blog.

You have helped me understand that my submission transcends any kink. i love that insight and look forward to reporting to my Mistress about it. i am sure She will enjoy both Your point and my emotional growth.

(Thank you also to Mistress Kathy for sending me here.)

Chained and collared
LetsPLayOKOK

appy said...

Dear Ms Christina,

As a reader of Ms Kathy's blog i am posting this.

i certainly consider Femdom as a kink. i love my Wife and i want to serve Her. She doesn't recognize O/our relationship as a FLR. yet i try to serve Her without showing my submissive nature too much. She gradually is accepting much of this service as a matter of fact. of course She always is making all important decisions, and when She leaves it to me, i always will consult Her.

i always try to treat all women with respect.

i am sorry, as English is not my native language it is difficult to express my thoughts. of course i will be glad to answer any question.

thank You for Your attention.

appy

Jennifer said...

Feminists make me sick.

Anonymous said...

Looks like you got a million comments!

One raised an interesting point. How does a mother teach female dominance to her girls/boys? Or a teacher to her class? Do boys become obligated to serve women in the home and school?

That's probably a whole other topic anyways.

-J

Blanche Black said...

Jennifer,

If feminists make you so sick then why spend your time reading feminist blogs?

Blanche Black said...

J-

Great topic. I would want to hear from the female-dominant mothers out there on that one.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for a wonderful blog and your very worthwhile additions to Ms Kathy's blog as well.
George

James said...

I first located Ms. Blanche on a website I will not name here, but the profile she possessed was one that caught my immediate interest due to various beliefs I have about the dynamic between men and women. With regards to this particular blog...I have seen occasions of this denial. Speaking as a man, I am more open about my vulnerablity then most and more importantly, have engaged in those "selfish" behaviors myself. It's perfectly natural, though not entirely helpful. My only issue, I believe, has not been involved in a female-led relationship. Perhaps one day, I'll manage to find one. Living in Jersey though does sadly weeding out the "bitchy controlling" type from the truly female-lead type.

Blanche Black said...

James,

It is not any woman's obligation to change you into the man you want to be. They are living their own life. It is only you who can change your attitude and behaviors, until a female leader-type is attracted to you by your attitude and behavior.

When you become more clear about what you believe and what your personal boundaries are, you will most likely feel more comfortable letting down your defenses towards women and be more receptive to the type of woman you seek. When your way of interacting with women shows a willingness to accommodate a female leader-type's self-expression and personal interests, only then will you find someone willing to give you direction and romantic leadership.

-Ms. Christina

rr30 said...

Ms. Christina-
This was a very interesting post and makes quite a bit of sense to me. I think from reading the previous comments that there are quite a few people out there that lack basic reading comprehension skills these days.
I am beginning to actively realize just how much men's desire for women influences nearly all our social behavior. And if women would only reward positive behavior and not both positive AND negative behavior, society might be very different.

Thank you.
Matthew

Blanche Black said...

That's encouraging, Matthew. Pleasure to hear from you.

-Ms. Christina

Anonymous said...

Blanche Black,
Kudos sister, you definately hit on the head. Your methodology works exceptionally well...only on the progressive male, the rennisance man, or the submissive man who is in touch with his sensative side. However, the average vinella, heterosexual sloppy male who has the least dominant temperment would rather suffer than give in to a woman, no matter how much he loves her.

Hence, I think the key here is that the man you choose must be one who is in touch with his emotions and is loves you or is infatuated with you enough to be willing to do anything to keep you happy. Every mam can not be trained by deprivation. Dominant men are like dominant women, when they feel they are not getting what they want or are being deprived of their happiness they end the relationship.

Nevertheless, women don't understand the power they have. Many women never use their authority to mold men into making them happy. It's often the other way around, the man molds here into his ideal. Hence, maybe that will change.

Blanche Black said...

Not every man can be trained by a woman. That is true. That is why it is always a good thing for a woman to employ these kinds of training techniques.

Setting boundaries and standards that a man must comply with before moving forward into a relationship with a woman is what filters out the riff-raff from the worthwhile contenders. If there are dominating intentions, it brings them right to the surface so that no one's time is unnecessarily wasted and a woman isn't stuck with an overgrown infant.

And, if a man values her enough to compete against his own ego(and other men) for her by meeting those standards, then she will be genuinely impressed and pleased with him instead of the old fake-it-until-you-make-it act most women give men for their half-assed efforts. And that kind of testing builds the genuine trust that keeps a couple together longterm.

M Roulette Chatelaine said...

All right, this needs to be said.

I don't see why anyone needs to get so heated about this. It's either pure fantasy, or dysfunctional. I'm living proof of that.

A lot of the views and material BB sponsors and espouses are deeply reminiscent of my earliest lessons on 'life and relationships' via my dominant mother. Of course, I believed them for a good portion of my life ... until I got out into the real world, and realised they were really her ideal vision of how the world SHOULD be -- not how it is.

So, everyone's got a point here: not all men are like that, not everyone's in a female-led relationship, some men are clearly submissive -- some are healthfully so, some are seriously dysfunctional and need therapy, not all women are dominant, and most of these theories are playful little doses of fantasy. The kind that my mother entertained as reality.

If you choose to try and live them, however, you will be woefully disappointed. No man worth his salt or with a backbone will allow himself to be so fully controlled -- unless he's extremely horny. No, not even one who loves a woman exceptionally, is giving, affectionate, and altogether wonderful. He just won't do it.

And who says he needs to?

I think it's best that we all remember that, despite the way it sometimes feels, men are not children. We cannot expect to raise them the way we would a misguided youth. Sure, even the most uninformed individual can use basic psychology -- and that goes for cognitive behavioural techniques -- but when you start exploring the real world of conditioning, you tread dangerously close to the same sorts of methods abusive partners use to brainwash their victimised spouses and mates.

What of the abusive women out there? What of the women who enjoy using men solely as their play-things for their amusement? Delighting in the fact that they keep stupidly returning for more because of how conditioned they are? A woman can't expect to lead a relationship with a man where accountability is simply not an issue for her, and the burden of everything falls on him. It just doesn't work. No one should ever be held blameless by default. Her whimsy does not entitle her to dole out whatever she deems fit (usually arbitrarily) if he doesn't seem to be satisfying those (often equally arbitrary) whims.

If you're going to 'train' a man, you'd better hope to hell you're the kind of woman he deserves. And who can pass objective judgment on that?

I should stress, again, that I'm an egalitarian, who enjoys, and is trying to accomplish a successful, real, healthy female-led relationship, that's satisfying for us both. My own blog is something of a means of chronicling that: the trials, the tribulations, and everything in between.

A word to the wise: it's NOT easy.

Best of luck to those who attempt it themselves.

- M Roulette Chatelaine

Blanche Black said...

Ms. Roulette,

Thanks for sharing. You are obviously speaking for yourself, as we all are, and one can only share what has worked for them from personal experience.

My experience has been different, and I share what I have witnessed and observed for all of those out there who identify. However, it is good to hear what works for others in creating happy and intimate relationships with the opposite gender.

What you have to share about your successes at having a satisfying and sustainable relationship with a man is infinitely more significant than any speculation or theoretical nay saying.

Best Wishes,
Ms. Blanche Black

Blanche Black said...

For all the boys out there looking for demonstrations of Femdom male training techniques, check out the work of Sahara Eve...
http://www.saharaheve.com/

hasagashi said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you so much for this great article! Its very helpful and insightful and exactly what I was looking for. I've been in a relationship for almost 3 years, and while I love him, he's very much the spoiled momma's boy that has tantrums. I had no idea how to deal with them; it seemed like arguing only made things far worse. I've employed almost all of your advice and I am very happy and thankful to say things have completely turned around! I've finally realized that his behavior, as well as most, if not all men's behavior, goes back to wanting the attention of a woman. I made the mistake of giving him the attention he wanted when he misbehaved; that's why the behavior continued! Men really are children (:
Like I've said, I employed your advice, and now he's very well behaved and eager for my affection. Not that he's learned that I'll disappear if he acts like a spoiled child, he's on his best behavior. He knows that being rude or offensive will only make me neglect and ignore him and his needs; he's learned he has to be a good boy if he wants anything (:
thank you!

Blanche Black said...

Hasagashi,

Congratulations on your success! I'm so happy to hear it. I find these techniques make conflict resolution so much smoother, and more enjoyable. After applying these basic principles to interaction with men for a while, it becomes easy to improvise and develop personalized techniques, custom made for the situation.

-Ms. Christina

Becky said...

I first came to know that men needed to worship women from the writings of Catherine Wolfe, the founder of The Orb And Scepter. I was a teenage girl then and it left me with an epiphany. I realized that relationships are almost like a game of who blinks first and women all too often blink first!

That knowledge helped me like nothing else did. Because of this perspective, I did not waste time and emotion on loser men. When I met Mr. Right, I immediately knew it in my gut. As a believer in female supremacy, I discussed it with him in detail and when he proposed I made him agree first to be my slave! We have been very happily married ever since.

I only wish that more women know this. Their lives will be easier, happier and more fulfilled, and they will finally truly understand men.

Thanks for this great blog, Blanche. Keep it up.

Blanche Black said...

Becky,

Great to hear from you. You're absolutely right- understanding the mechanism behind men's loyalty and devotion, and expecting no less from them, does weed out all the losers. All the men I attract now are the nice, chivalrous, romantic type who are ready to put a lot of themselves into their next relationship. Taking control of the context in which a man can interact with me eliminates all the men with control issues and is identified with and appreciated by the masculine-yet-sensitive ones.

-Ms. Christina

Chore Boy said...

This debate needs to go mainstream! I love the outrageous, original post. But even taking away the part about being tied to a chair (if you must), Ms. Blanche Black makes powerful, provocative sense.

Every household and hierarchy everywhere is led by someone, male or female. In the world today, common sense and obsservation suggests that something like 90% of all human systems, from homes to schools, hospitals, governments and cororations, are controlled by men due to forces of law, tradition, discrimination and gender intimidation.

It's not a coincidence that girls and women suffer vastly more poverty, violence, illness and ignorance than males. It's really impossible to deny that global culture is massively patriarchal and harmful to girls and, I think, to all people. (I havent' even started on war!)

We know from research in human development that across the globe both boys and girls eat more, learn more and grow up to earn more when their mothers control at least a portion of household income. The Grameen Bank, which won a Nobel Prize for lifting families out of poverty, relies specfically on women as the agents and prime beneficiaries of micro-credit. What is proven to be so in the househould is at least very likely to be so in larger organizations.

So, at the household level alone, there are very good reasons to transfer more power and authority to more women and for this to happen sooner than later. But, women will need to overcome a powerful complex of male privilege for that to happen.

Affirmative action, perhaps giving women inalienable ownership of the home or another asset, could be a way to balance the power or even tip it to women. With different incentives, why should not men accept lower power in marriage in return for economic security and love just as women do now?

That's economics, but then there's sex. Ms. Blanche Black knows that some men actually desire to put down patriarchy and subordinate themselves to a woman. We call the sexual expression of this desire a kink, but perhaps it's just an unackowleged characteristic that an unknown number of men have to some degree.

So, if women want to try out man-training, let them! Men can comply or walk away. I think we'll be shocked at the number who agree to be trained and wind up happy.

Who knows whether female dominance in marriage can or will become a norm? But why is the distant prospect of female dominance more frightening that the very real and existing norm of brutal and pervasive male dominance?

When will Ms. Black be on Oprah and the Daily Show?

Blanche Black said...

Chore Boy,

Lol... you are adorable. And you sum it up well.

-Ms. Black

chore boy said...

Adorable? I swoon. Sincerely, I love your brainy tough love for us poor oppressed oppressors. Your footnotes will be my library. Please show us the way, Madame Librarian.

Patrick said...

Ms. Christina,

This is a wonderful article. Many of my fellow men seem to not be able to get past the tying him to the chair thing. It was just an example guys and it is an agreed upon consequence.

I think the techniques are sound. As long as this is an agreed upon part of the relationship, it's fine. Potential for abuse does exist though, such as if you then beat the crap out of him while tied to the chair or photographed him and emailed it to his friends. Then he'd have something to complain about.

Guys, these techniques are not about humiliating the man. They are an effective way of letting him know that what he did was unacceptable. It's not mothering either. People learn when the impression is strong enough. Words sometimes are not enough.

So what gives her the right to do this? As Ms. Christine pointed out there are choices that he knows about prior to a punishment. But I know, you can't get why she should have the authority to make that decision in the first place. It's about relationship harmony. I suggest you read the entry titled, "Men follow women who lead, and benefit from it". That will explain the premise upon which this punishment is based. It is fully voluntary.

Ms. Christina maybe you could of reviewed those principles in this post. If I hadn't read that one first I may have reacted with the same confusion as these guys did.

I hope to find a woman who will or already embraces this type of thinking.

Blanche Black said...

Patrick,

These articles are written by a woman for other women to benefit from these techniques. So, although men do tend to assume everything is designed to accommodate them, it is that assumption that confuses them regarding these articles, not the lack of literary spoon-feeding here.

It is never a woman's responsibility to make a man understand himself; nor is it a woman's responsibility to teach a man why cooperation with a person's terms for a relationship is necessary to gain their company, and that a bit of "eating crow" does wonders for regaining that company when they screw up.

These are basic lessons in intelligent social behavior that men easily employ in their friendships with other men.
The solution, therefore, is not to make excuses for them or coddle their ego, but to call them on their selective "confusion".

If you want to help your fellow men, you can do what I recommend to the ladies -you can leave them behind and let them figure out how to catch up with you.

-Ms. Christina

Patrick said...

You're right Ms. Christina. I'm sorry, I didn't realize how that came off. I guess I got caught up in egocentric for a moment. I didn't mean to tell you to cater to anyone.

I am aware that the articles are written for women by a woman and that's probably why they are some of the best material I've found.

Unfortunately, trying to find any genuine honest information about female led relationships online takes you on a tour of porn sites created by men for men that don't offer any valuable information. That's why I read your blog, to get insight into the dynamics and psychology of this lifestyle.

Thanks for the good work you do.

Blanche Black said...

Patrick,

You're welcome. Nice to hear from you.

-Ms. Christina

Dennis_The_Menace said...

"You think you are 'empowered' and 'equal', whereas you are abusing your position over a man to put him into a lower state. Spreading this sick filth will only twist the mind of young vulnerable women, and surely they will die all alone with their paintbruch and hairy armpits."

So, Jimmy, I'm glad that you agree that women are not "equal" to men but clearly have a "position over a man." It's always encouraging to us male supporters of matriarchy to see "ordinary" men expressing such views - even if unwittingly.

To sum up the rest of your vagina-envy induced rant: A woman should pretend to be dumber than her statistically dumber male mate and refrain from securing her own financial independence in order to be his domestic servant lest she fail to attract a male and die a lonely old maid.

Seems to me that the only males such a woman is going to attract are verbally (and eventually physically) abusive bastards like you! I can hardly see how such a thing is any better than the old maid scenario you insist is awaiting such a "creature."

Many years of observation confirm to me that women have far less trouble attracting sex partners than men do and gain far more from same-sex friendships (as far as companionship goes) than do men. In other words, it's far more probable that a male who refuses to conform to what women expect from him is far more likely to "die all alone with their sticky Penthouse and hairy armpits."

So, my advice to you is to dislodge your lips from your momma's nipple and go attempt to be an independent man who might actually make momma proud some day.

a said...

Ms. Blanche Black

I can't say anything that hasn't already been posted, but I can add to the chorus and reiterate: great post, well argued and just true.

I am pretty vanilla, but this is the correct dynamic there too. It underlies everything even if one is not aware of it. Cognizance leads to better relations just as cognizance of the laws of physics leads to better cars.

Erin said...

Oh Blanche, this blog is fantastic and has done so much to improve my relationship with men... (Along with the book "Why Men Love Bitches" which I can't recommend enough!) I wish you would write more! As there anywhere I can find more of your writings?

Blanche Black said...

Thanks, Erin. Great to hear from you. This blog is the only collection of my writings on this subject for now... it covers just about everything I would want to cover in a book. However, there are so many authors writing from similar perspectives these days that I see my writing as part of a larger movement among women, which in turn is triggering a companion movement among men in Profeminism. There is much support out there for these views, and I encourage you to immerse yourself in it- including biographies on the lives of women who lived according to their own interests and let their male lovers work to keep up with them. I recommend reading Barbara Holland's book "They Went Whistling..." for an entertaining rundown of women's biographies, including a few such inspirational personalities and their adventures.

-Blanche Black

saratoga said...

Dear Ms. Black-

Excellent work in this piece. I've featured it in a post I'll publish in a few days. It nicely provides the conceptual background for a post I wrote recently involving how I handled my Female Partner being 2 hours late for a dinner date.

What could have been a disaster became a very romantic evening because I behaved appropriately, and accepted her behavior. She was very pleasantly surprised.

This post of yours explains reasonable, mature Female behavior to bring males into line.

-saratoga

Blanche Black said...

Nice to hear from you, saratoga.

-Ms. Black

Roberto said...

None of this takes into consideration that both sexes enjoy being challenged. No one wants a "yes dear" who conforms to every wish. It makes for a very boring relationship.

Everything you described has to do with sexual tension. To put it plainly, if we are not annoying each other constantly, then there is no push-pull of delicious sexual tension.

I have no problem putting anyone in their place for truly bad behavior, but you really don't want to train the dog out of man as much as you don't want to train the cat out of woman. It's what makes us irresistible to each other.

And what you described here is not demeaning or horrible, it actually sounds kind of fun and should be a part of every healthy relationship. Both partners should get a crack at being in charge, but bad behavior should always be dealt with!

Blanche Black said...

Roberto,

Women most certainly know what they want, and what they don't... men who impress a woman with their ability to make themselves useful to her get the bed, while men who fail to impress because they act like dogs get the backyard.

Some men shy away from any serious self-investment in a relationship with a woman, avoiding self-sacrifice like it makes him less of a man when done for a woman. In fact, men are at their sexiest when they are sacrificing their efforts, their wants, and their pride, to evoke desire in a woman. Men look good giving their all to win a goal on the court, or the field, or to demonstrate hardcore discipline in military service... they look even better to me when doing it for seduction of a woman. That's what makes a man desirable. Being annoying just makes a man...annoying.

-Ms. Blanche Black

jim redford said...

Men simply submit to your woman for true happiness.I am married over 20 years and it is a joy to serve my wife for the ultimate reward

jimredford@live.com Jim Redford

Anonymous said...

Jimmy you would be surprised how many men actually WANT this from a woman. They are bored to death of weak simple women and enjoy the challenge. Just because your ego is too fragile to handle a dominant woman doesn't make this wrong. To each their own.

Anonymous said...

You are right on Richard! I know a man who longs for this transcendence. He actually feels like a slave to his ego but every woman he encounters is so ready to be dominated by him that he gets bored and frustrated. I can see the benefits of these techniques when done in love just as in a parent-child relationship. Yes a woman should not be a mother but for men who have certain mommy issues this may be quite therapeutic and will help them learn to really love a woman.