Sunday, July 27, 2008

Getting the Respect You Want

Recruiting the assistance of men in this culture often proves to be a disappointing experience, so it is logical that many women avoid doing so unless absolutely necessary. Whether a woman is agreeing to allow a man to show her a good time, letting a male partner know she wants an errand or household chore accomplished for her, or even doing business with a serviceman, the low standards for men in this culture usually result in them being less than generous materially and energetically.

The responses men offer to women who express what they want might contain elements of cooperativeness and respect, such as a one word acknowledgement that they still retain their hearing, or even a partial show of interest in the woman’s request while they exhibit preoccupation with something else, but it is often followed by joking excuses for their lack of follow-through on those requests, or mere procrastination for completing the task using unsolicited comments on the woman’s sex appeal, as if she cared to know what their sexual mood was.

This kind of teasing is a mixture of flirting with “the blow off”, which is a way men avoid working on behalf of a woman while trying to disguise their laziness and apathy with cursory flattery, and even that pertaining to their own selfish preoccupation with a woman’s sensual stimulation for them. It is a form of disrespect.

Rather than wasting their energy explaining how disappointing men’s apathy is, a woman often gracefully tolerates a man’s irrelevant sexual comments and leaves him in the dark as to how to gain her genuine interest in him.

This, of course, is justice for him, but not enough justice for her, for there are men who would eagerly compete with such a man for her interests, and that can be used to satisfy her wants and discipline the disrespectful man by rubbing his nose in it. Often, it is not until a man feels he is losing out on the opportunity to get a woman’s attention that he is motivated to treat her the way she wants.

A woman reveals her standards for tolerating male company by making specific requests of them and verbally, as well as sensually, expressing her happiness or disappointment with the responses men exhibit. She is guaranteed to get a man’s attention when she tells them how their behavior changes her perceptions of them, like letting them know that their joking in response to her concerns is their “failing to convince” her that she “can take (them) and (their) skills seriously”; or that their request for her time without the hospitality to offer service to her, like buying her dinner or entertaining her, is really them “not showing sincere interest in” her.

Likewise, she is guaranteed a man’s attention when she avoids a disappointing experience with him to get what she wants from someone other than him. His competitiveness for female attention causes him to take an avid interest in what is attracting hers. That’s why it is in a woman’s best interest to always admit what her interests are and to give her attention to them as well as to the men who contribute to her achievement of them.

So, when a man disregards a woman’s request for his service, or her concerns for a prompt response, or her interests in being shown respect and offered things she enjoys, he loses his opportunity to gain more attention from her. He defaults. At that point, getting what she wants is as simple as by-passing him to find another man who will respond to her request for service with the treatment she likes. When she disregards men who disregard her and lets them see her reward her attention to the man who respected her interests by showing his solid interest in them, she allows other men to regret their delay towards her and gives them motivation to change.

After a few repetitions of this experience, most men reach a state of willingness to exit their comfort zone to regain the woman’s interest in them, often displayed as a plea to let them do something for her at her convenience and a claim that they “don’t want to lose” her. Of course they don’t. Up to this point she’s offered them more than they’ve ever offered her, mostly because of her female character and at least because of her sensual appeal for them. They have a lot to gain from being in her presence.

It is at this point that they are ready to follow and that she can begin to take the lead and tighten her rules for rewards and denial with strict enforcement. She can choose to give them another chance at achieving her desires, or not, but the important thing is that she doesn’t suffer for their lack of readiness and that they learn to respect her for it.

21 comments:

Anonymous Blogger said...

This post is absolutely dead-on. It is very true that a sincere male who properly respects women will plead to serve at her convenience so that he may gain by being in her presence. I certainly know from experience that willingness to follow only comes after sufficient humbling and the surest sign of masculine enlightenment is the desire to accept strict rewards and denial with strict enforcement.

Pablo said...

As usual, I loved your post, which I think gives very useful advice for women.

In a nutshell, you seem to be saying to them that they should be clear about what they want, and sexually ignore men who do not leave their comfort zone to please women. I'm sure that if such advice was put into practice by most women in the world, we would see very different male behavior, no doubt.

As you say,

"Often, it is not until a man feels he is losing out on the opportunity to get a woman’s attention that he is motivated to treat her the way she wants."

However, as a man, it saddens me that we men might need to be treated as animals (and trained accordingly) for us to serve women.

More importantly, it worries me that men so often recognize their moral obligations towards women only when sex, or at least the promise of it, is thrown into the mix, as you suggest. When that happens, they might change their behavior, but they don't change their minds and hearts, for they're not recognizing any moral obligation; they're merely changing their strategy, "investing" in their own future pleasure by serving the women they're interested in.

In other words, what about the women in whom these men are not sexually interested? Most likely, those women will not get the benefits of male respect. But do they deserve to be respected any less?

Is there any other way women might teach men about male obligations towards females without "bribing" them?

Anonymous said...

Hi Ms. Christina,
The point that men have low standards is an important one. It is a great example of the creativity and intelligence of this blog. It takes the focus off the controversial idea of domination and submission and raises the question: why do men have such low standards of behavior in relation to the higher standards set by women. It is almost a taboo question. That fact alone makes it clear that our culture is still patriarchal. For if people were to ask it, they would have acknowledge the superiority of women in many respects.

Concomitantly, the move toward a culture with higher standards requires women to hold men to account. That in turn implies that women come into their power by living by their own standards. Insofar as that is the case, she also comes into power in relation to men. It is a formula for female leadership that does not depend on self-acknowledged male submissiveness. All in all, I think this post is brilliant.

Richard

Blanche Black said...

Pablo,

It's interesting how men seem to feel comfortable treating themselves as animals when they have access to what they want, such as a lap dance, or exposure to
self-exalting porn, or sex without sexual loyalty, but suddenly become concerned with issues of respect when they are trained as animals to give women something in return.

Your question of changing men’s minds and hearts is a valid one. Usually, a woman has nothing to lose if a man’s mind and heart is insincere in honoring her. A man pays her upfront with his offering of pleasure for her in order to receive the warmth of her attention, and she receives what she wants from that transaction. If he is insincere and his homage ends, she invests her attention elsewhere among other superior male competitors.

By the time a woman invests herself in relationship with a man and makes herself emotionally vulnerable to a man’s mind and heart, or his true perception and opinion of her, she has required him to pass many tests of character by requiring him to delay his own pleasures to give her pleasure first. He either drops out of behavioral devotion to her, or he continues behavioral devotion and begins to experience the emotional and psychological pleasure of male sexual dignity and empathy for another person. Repeated experiences of this phenomenon will transform his mind and heart until his sincerity is won over by the reliability of her guidance for him.

In actuality, all women have the power to inspire men to follow them regardless of a man’s ability to notice a woman’s sensual appeal. Feminine appeal is not merely sensual but social. Women are more generous as friends, more devoted as allies, and harder working at professional relationships than men because they have developed higher standards than men for self-preservation and because they are skilled at empathy for others. Their value as allies and mentors, professionally and socially, currently outweighs that of men, and so men are motivated to work for a woman’s approval simply to maintain access to her emotional and social responsiveness and reliability.

This is why in my article I say that a woman should redirect her social attention elsewhere when a man fails to honor her. "Sexually ignoring men" is not necessary for evoking male cooperation, although regulating sexual rewards can be used at a later time for intimate relationship development.

So bribery is not part of this dynamic, as a woman is not offering anything to a man that he doesn't deserve, or withholding anything that he does. There are no teasing promises for potential sex, although a man might make that association out of his own self-flattery. The rewards of her emotional self-expression, and any pleasure from her visual beauty, are actual rewards in and of themselves.

The only reason that women’s social assets seem less motivational for men than women’s sexual assets do is because women do not often regulate their social rewards according to men’s behavior as much as they regulate their sexual rewards. In this article, I explain how women can regulate their social assets- their responsiveness and social availability towards men- in order to make men’s desperation for women’s social company more noticeable to them so they remember why they need to redouble their efforts at appealing to women.

It is only when a man finds himself in a position where he has to work for something in order to gain it that he actually works for it and begins to appreciate it in mind and heart as a result.

Anonymous said...

Hi Ms Christina,

As I read through your last response and noticed my own response, I am struck by one thing that underlies everything that you have said here and spoken of in your previous blog posts; and that is your self-confidence in relation to men. A self-confident woman is willing to regulate the social rewards she grants. A self-confident woman is aware that women are superior to men in their social assets.

But, most important, to me, is that as a man I realize that I am facing a woman who can see through me as man because she knows that she holds the upper hand. For some deeply-seated reason that is comforting. It induces in me--and other men I suspect--a kind of reflex of wanting to serve and please and obey. A woman's self-confidence in relation to men creates this powerful, irresistible undertow in a relationship that can be the basis of her ascending to a position of authority. Speaking as one who has felt it, that undertow is its own reward. It creates the paradoxical truth that the male takes as much if not more satisfaction in a woman's legitimated power over him--her authority--as she has.

In your case, Ms. Christina, your confidence in relation to men, is a kind of gift offered to all of us. For that I thank you.

Sincerely,

Richard

obedient_jim said...

I am wondering where there is, or could be, a brave new world where men can work for and report to women ~ as more of a natural order. I know for sure that my standards and work performance go up when I have a great Female Boss, but this has been all too rare an occurrence in my professional life. Most of the time I’ve had male “bosses” and they usually make my skin crawl.

Thanks for the great post and comments.


- Jim

Blanche Black said...

Obedient jim,

I often try to envision this myself. There is a book, Femaria, City of Women, by a woman called Supreme Goddess Lorena, which actually plays out and describes such a vision in great detail, (the book is 30 chapters long). Perhaps you have heard of it, http://www.goddessclub.com/books.html.

This is the only book I've come across so far that envisions an entire society under female management like this, but if anyone else knows of others I would love to hear from them about it. It's nice to have an array of theories as to how such a social change would come about and look like.

Anonymous said...

I agree but it will be very difficult to train adult men who have many options with women because they will feel free to move on to the next. And if not all women are confident in their superiority it will make it hard for the women who are to train men because men can always find one who isn't.

Maybe men need to be trained early on in the home by their mothers and sisters to serve and respect women, as well as in the schools?


-JT

Blanche Black said...

JT,

Haven't you heard,Men Love Bitches. They never forget a challenge.

This is about a woman getting what she wants from the man who competes the best. When a woman gets what she wants, who cares what a man does; but the consequences of his poor performance, his experiences losing what he has wanted from a woman while she moves on to get what she wants, make him aware of his vulnerability to loss because of poor performance in the future. He either changes, or he loses her, and any other woman that respects herself.

People see lots of women in the media that have no such standards, or they see "nice" women with lower standards than the self confident woman. What they don't see is the hidden costs and complications that come when a man chooses to pursue women with lower standards, even for temporary relationships.

Women with very low standards do have their way of taking care of themselves and their unmet wants. Some simply don't stay with the man for long, or they have the same low standards for other men besides him and accommodate everyone at the same time- neither of which is flattering. If a man pursues them he is gaining their attention only on a temporary basis, and to get anything more from them would require the equivalent of a bribe, like his wealth or social status. The affection he gets is for what he has, not for him. And, from what I have seen, men tend to resent this- it seems to bother them emotionally, even though they chose that arrangement. You can't get something for nothing.

Women who are "nice" but simply have lower standards than the self-confident woman also have egos, though they hide them. They eventually either realize they are unhappy with the disparity between their treatment of the man and his treatment of them, and then decide to leave him, or they stay and become resentful. And a resentful woman will fight, or disrespect a man behind his back, or find some way to retaliate every time he disrespects and neglects her. His is not a position to be envied.

So, when people think of immediate gains then yes, men can get away with just about anything they like. But the consequences of their actions and their choices are felt over time and change their mind later. These dynamics work justice between women and men over the long-term. Some men catch on quickly and realize they prefer the confident and satisfied woman, while others take a long time to regret their foolish attempts at taking emotional shortcuts.

But all that is their problem. A woman doesn't have to make his problems her problem and try to fix him to get what she wants. A woman only has to move on and find a wiser and more grateful man, and there are many of them out there.

Anonymous said...

You're right Christina. There is a right way and a wrong way to do things. It is too bad some women have to suffer the consequences of our bad behaviour in the short term, but at least justice will prevail in the long run and men will get exactly what they deserve.

I like to think sometimes by treating women well I am also making up, in a small way, for how bad other men treat women, especially historically. Of course, nothing we can do can ever make things up to women. I think we're always indebted to you, from birth alone... let alone everything else.

JT

katlyn said...

Your essays are brilliant, and reassuring.

Anonymous said...

I think women need need men more than men need women. They need men to appreciate their efforts on their appearance, in the kitchen, in the bedroom, and even as the breadwinner in modern society. It is almost scary how hard a woman will work to please the men in her life when she is complimented, appreciated, and respected. It is far from the one way street you suggest that men are meant to serve women. My experience has been the total opposite. My girlfriends and female friends reciprocate my efforts much more. They prepare meals for me or take me out to eat, they buy me thoughtful gifts. They compliment me and are respectful. They go out of their way to help me even if I don't ask for help. They don't punish or discipline me. I don't think they would even if I asked them to. I am respectful to them and I like to compliment them. I don't argue with them. I listen to them and don't offer my opinions unless I am asked. I take them shopping or fix things on their car or home, but their efforts to please me exceed my efforts 99% of the time. I am not talking about sex because that is mutually pleasurable and beneficial. I like to caress their feet or give them massages because they have beautiful bodies. Truth be told, I think I enjoy it as much as they do. I love to talk with and be close to women. As many men have realized today, they can clean and decorate their own homes, they can prepare delicious meals, they can have satisfying professional and social lives. They don't need to get married, but they still love to be around women.

Blanche Black said...

Anonymous,

Lol.. so you've found some young women who give more than you do in your relationship for temporary lack of access to suitors who offer them a better return for their efforts. That is subject to change with time:

"Women, watch out: needy men are on the rise.The stereotypical emotionally-cold men who dread the thought of the ‘ball and chain’ are long gone, writes Radhika Sanghani. Millennial blokes are far needier than the girls they're dating..

"But while the needy man is on the rise – the not-so-needy independent woman is too. Girls don’t ‘need’ boyfriends anymore. We can support ourselves financially, enjoy casual relationships with no stigma and go on as many dates as want, whenever we want (thank you Tinder and OKCupid). We aren't enthralled by the noughties lesson of He's Just Not That Into You like the Sex And The City girls were, because we're the ones who just aren't that into him.

"Women no longer rely on boyfriends to take them on dates or give them security, because they can find it elsewhere. Besides, today’s 20-something women are more focused on climbing up the career ladder and getting a decent salary by the time they’re 30, rather than worrying about how to ‘bag a man’."

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/10677910/Women-watch-out-needy-men-are-on-the-rise.html

Blanche Black said...

Another article on this social phenomenon from Jezebel:

http://jezebel.com/5944293/the-rise-of-the-needy-man

"This masculinization of emotional dependency doesn't just show up in films and on TV. In his most recent column, Good Men Project founder Tom Matlack slams Rosin's "End of Men" thesis, arguing that men aren't "over", merely suffering from a "yearning for love and meaning (that) is at epidemic proportions." In a phrase as garbled as it is instantly descriptive of a certain masculine mindset, Tom writes that most guys are struggling to figure out what "it means to be a man and to be good and to try to do things that are impossible despite the long odds." Give these flailing young (and not-so-young) men a break, he writes; let's "stop pitting men and women against each other." Men crave connection with other guys and with women, Tom says. He's right, of course. But his op-ed reads like a variation on Charlie's plea to Marnie: women (starting with Rosin and others who peddle the "man crisis" trope) need to stop being so hard on men –- and start doing more both to appreciate them and to make them feel safe. It's not quite Dean's "just tell me and I'll do it," but it's a close cousin to that plea: "if you only understood how hard I'm already trying, you'd lay off."

Rosin writes that men "theoretically can be anything these days." What they lack, she argues, are qualities that they once had –- and that women now seem at least more likely to possess: "flexibility, hustle, and an expansive sense of identity." Chloe Angyal is surely right that Rosin oversells the expansiveness of that self-confidence among young women. Even so, one key missing piece of the "end of men" narrative is not just the degree to which men have ceded "flexibility" and "hustle" to the women in their lives, but the extent to which men now turn to women not merely for partnership, but for mentoring, inspiration, and direction. What makes characters like Charlie, Dean, and the subjects of Rosin's book so recognizable is that mix of people-pleasing and passivity that is designed to force young women to take the initiative and give instruction to the men they love.

Men, writes Matlack, are filled with yearning: to talk, to be understood, to be accepted. Men, he suggests, have more emotional depth than we give them credit for having. What he doesn't say is that guys today have so much less emotional resilience than we need them to possess. The contemporary female version of "male yearning" isn't just ambition, it's exhaustion. Part of that exhaustion may be due to the "feminization of success" that Hanna Rosin describes. But surely a hefty chunk of that weariness comes from the reality that even as many women do surpass men educationally and financially, they're still expected to play the traditionally feminine roles of sympathetic listener and constant encourager. Pay the rent. Make him feel safe. Tell him what to do and how to be. And make it all look hot."

Blanche Black said...

And by the way.. any readers who are so gutless as to post dissenting comments anonymously without a shred of supporting evidence should not be surprised if their comments are not taken seriously. You have no rights here, no one owes you web space, I am not your mommy, and this blog is not an invitation for you to voice your mindless drivel of an opinion. If you cannot reciprocate the research and analysis modeled here, then keep your pouting to yourself. I won't waste anyone's time with it.

Anonymous said...

I apologize if I upset you Ms. Black. That was not my intention. You are right, of course, it is your blog and you can post or not post any response you like. I hardly think of you as my Mommy. I know that you are a strong, independent, and highly intelligent woman-- much smarter than me. I like to think of you as a teacher and I really like to read your articles. You have given me the motivation to learn about feminist ideals more than any other writer. I know I am an ignorant man. I also know that the best way to change a man's actions is to change his thinking. The logic you use in your blog has started to change my thinking. I want to read as many of your references as I can. Thank you for your wonderful blog, Ms. Black.

Blanche Black said...

Anonymous,

Well, I appreciate that. There are a few books in particular that I would recommend. The Macho Paradox, by Jackson Katz, as well as Guyland, by Michael Kimmel, will help give you a cultural context for the behaviors of women in this patriarchal culture. Hopefully this will shed some light on why so many women cater to men in our culture rather than look out for their own benefit.

A few others that you also might enjoy are: The Guy's Guide to Feminism,by Michael Kaufman and Michael Kimmel; They Went Whistling: Women Wayfarers, Warriors, Runaways, and Renegades, by Barbara Holland; The Mercury 13, by Martha Ackmann; also, if you have the stamina, check out Mothers and Daughters of Invention, by Autumn Stanley.

These books demonstrate (with documentation) that strong, genius, pioneering women who developed a good portion, if not the majority, of the technologies contributing to modern civilization have been just about entirely written out of history books by bigoted writers. And none of those women wasted their time working to please men in exchange for compliments.

Happy reading,
Ms. Black

Anonymous said...

Thank you Ms. Black. I will go to the library today to try and find at least one or two of the books you mentioned. Up to now, most of my reading has been on the internet. I am not smart like you. I can see why any man would jump at the opportunity to serve you. He could learn so much if he is willing to humble his ego and open his mind to your wisdom. I barely know you, but already I see how confident, compassionate, forgiving, and intelligent you are.
You are truly a beautiful woman. I know you will help many other men learn the benefits of Matriarchy, Feminism, and FemDom, just as you are helping me. Thank you again, Ms. Black.

Anonymous said...

It is amazing how much women can teach a man who is willing to acknowledge their superiority and give them the respect, obedience and support they deserve. A man will be rewarded ten times the service he provides to women.
The training you provide for men is outstanding Ms. Black. I admit that my own behavior was often selfish and negative towards women, but I am slowly changing. I can't encourage you enough.

Blanche Black said...

Anonymous,

Thanks for the encouragement. Yes, this is the point of this blog exactly; only men who listen to women are worth the effort to have a relationship with for women. Without genuine two-way communication between partners, which machismo and patriarchal culture try to interrupt by glamorizing close-mindedness towards women, there can be no actually relationship or intimacy. However, I have observed that most men enjoy genuine intimacy with women more than the benefits of macho posturing. It is usually just a matter of them having this experience and revelation for them to change their way of interacting with women so that this is possible.

Ms. Black

Anonymous said...

Hi Ms. Christina, I learned from your insightful comments on Rosin and Matlack. Yes, there seems to be a lot of neediness and passivity among men these days. My own perception in that this comes from the decline of patriarchy. Young men no longer grow up with the public support of male supremacist norms to use as a crutch for their fragile egos. The result is that many of these men shy away from relationships with strong women for fear they will be hurt. Do you think this can change so that men can realize the deep fulfillment that can come from serving and supporting a strong woman? What needs to happen?

your loyal follower,

Richard