Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Why?

Why should men favor the will of women over their own? Because basically most men are entitlement hogs. They were conditioned to be. They were conditioned to think women want them to be.

In female-male relationships men are working with women, a people group that doesn't have the same sense of entitlement to receive as men do because they haven't been encouraged to be the center of attention and support in group situations; and men are dealing with an ego that blinds them to the needs of others so that they tend to assert their wants over others' needs. Unless they change relationship dynamics to build up her confidence and minimize his ego, they will most likely grow farther apart.

How can a man and a woman trust their minds not to play tricks on them as they revert back to her denial and sacrifice of what she wants for his assertion of what he wants? -By a man making active sacrifices of his wants to nurture hers, and his self-importance to demonstrate hers, as an exercise or effort to remind himself of the humility he needs to get in touch with to be fair to her. It is an exercise, both for the man and the woman, to talk differently and act differently than the "norm", if you will, in order to practice this mentality, which is like a ritual that helps one internalize ideas to achieve a mental or character change.

In order to make a woman happy, a man needs to focus on responding to and supporting her will; and this cannot be done while the man is simultaneously focused on what he wants, because he will never focus on his benefit and her benefit equally. He will always favor his benefit unless he makes a conscious effort to favor her interest and benefit.

When a man pushes and pushes for his will in a relationship by giving lip service and then pushing the boundary she has already expressed by making suggestions and taking actions that counter her will, his sense of entitlement wears down a woman until she gives up being confident in her will for herself, or the relationship. She starts to doubt the importance of her will as she sees his confidence and energy competing with hers in all kinds of disagreements. This motivates a woman to leave a man.

And men are easier to please than women. So it is more of an accomplishment for a man to please a woman than it is for him to please himself, and this accomplishment is pleasing in and of itself.

Unless men approach a relationship with a woman by focusing on what they have to offer her, rather than what they want to get, they will not be able to please a woman, and the only way it seems they can enter this state of mind is to actively deny their wants in order to help meet her needs, and her wants.

4 comments:

Dennis_The_Menace said...

"And men are easier to please than women. So it is more of an accomplishment for a man to please a woman than it is for him to please himself, and this accomplishment is pleasing in and of itself."

After writing a lengthy true story, I realized that it might be a little too detailed for my wife's comfort, but I do want to share the main point since I think it's very relevant.

Like most men, I enjoyed watching porn in my teens and beyond, but I found, even in my teens, that women actually behaving the way they do in those movies did not turn me on. There is no way I could explain it then and it is only through many years of introspection and the discovery of blogs like this that I fully came to understand my "weird" aversion to it.

Since I never was particularly comfortable discussing anything remotely sexual in nature with male friends (always considered it a pretty gay form of male-bonding - no insult intended, just not my thing), I never sought nor received any male feedback on my "weird" aversion and I was pretty sure it would be negative anyway. Male expectations seemed to follow the pornographic model and anything else would be viewed as "gay." What I didn't expect was that many women shared that view and would often explain my aversion as being proof of homosexuality.

As I got older, male friends would pry and I became less resistant to talking about it as long as it didn't get into gross detail. Now, here's what surprised me: I was expecting shock, disdain, etc; the "shock" I got was so fake and more often than not, after a few more beers, they'd end up admitting to similar interests with my oath that I'd keep it confidential. As long as I don't name names, I'm keeping that confidence.

The conclusion that I came to is that I was not "abnormal" in my aversion to a woman humbling herself to a man sexually and that it was quite common for men to prefer to pursue her pleasure. Why then wouldn't they admit it to women? My guess is that they didn't want to be labeled "perverted" or "gay" or a "deviant" by women that have been brainwashed by this patriarchal macho man garbage we've all been force-fed since birth.

I began to think that porn was really a means for men to convince themselves that they were the dominant sex when pretty much everything in their nature tells them otherwise and I'm still strongly convinced of this conclusion.

One part of the problem, I think, that many women see with men's rebellion against their stated promise to subordinate their wants is our continued insecurity deriving from the fact that our culture still deems this sort of desire to be "abnormal," "perverse," "unmanly," "gay," etc.

So, many men have these conflicting desires: one is the natural desire to subordinate his wishes to that of his lady and the other the very unnatural cultural expectations of men and women in our society that deem this natural inclination to be bad. Women face the same conflict: Their nature tells them that they should be running the show, but men and women in our culture tell them that they should stand in the shadows of men. Both face strong pressures to conform and risk alienating friends, family, etc.

It's a tough choice to make, particularly if you intend to be open about it. My wife and I have kind of gotten used to being the "weird ones" in our families, so this shouldn't hurt us too much, but for others it could be a real deal breaker. To illustrate, just consider that to this day, a female relative of my wife still finds it oddly "nice of me" that I will not even consider taking a job if it requires us to live somewhere that my wife does NOT want to live.

To me, this isn't "nice," it's simply MANDATORY; but try explaining that to her...I'm going to try, but I'm pretty sure that the result will be (at least in the short run) that she'll be convinced that my wife married a lunatic and that I'm "leading" her to certain ruin. This same woman provides the bulk of the income to her household and still does practically all of the housekeeping...while her husband complains about how "poorly" she does it...but this is "normal."

I don't say any of this to insult her. I have the greatest respect for this woman. I'm just stating the fact that this is how strong a hold this patriarchal garbage has even on women. Make no mistake about it, we still have a long way to go before the demise of patriarchy; but, I insist that it will die...surely...one couple at a time.

Thanks again for the great blog you have going here, Ms. Christina, and best of luck to you getting out the good word.

Blanche Black said...

Dennis,

Your experiences with this so closely resemble my own. I have witnessed these psychological dynamics myself. It's great to have you share.

-Ms. Christina

Anonymous said...

So true... I got nothing to add

It is wonderful to please a woman and to sacrifice a lot for it.

Should the woman also only be focused on her wants and her will?

-J

Blanche Black said...

J,

A woman's awareness of a man's expectations is usually over amplified, so if she practices focusing on her own fun exclusively for limited periods of time she can maintain her awareness of what he wants without feeling obligated to conform to it.

The key is for her to relax and be relieved from any sense of obligation that a man needs her to babysit his feelings. Her admiration of him comes from her confidence that his reliability isn't conditional based on his gratification. When he is true to her whether his desires are met or not, then her indulgence of his desire is an option rather than an obligation and is that much more meaningful to them both.

-Ms. Christina