Sunday, February 17, 2008

The Power of Demonstration

When it comes to female-male relationships, achieving fairness can be a tricky thing. How does one reconstruct a sense of entitlement for themselves that sturdies them against the tendency towards over-entitlement in the behavior of their lover? How does she balance the vulnerability of sex with the independence of will needed for her to lead and set the standards for her man’s behavior? Is male favoritism something that all men can be conditioned out of, or must there be a predisposition towards female favoritism in a man for him to have such potential? To what degree is male competitiveness towards women a hormonal problem from the over-ingestion of modern-day meat and dairy products? For me, I often wonder what makes the strategies I use to alter male behavior so effective, and if they are consistent with the principles of honesty, fairness and justice that inspire me in other areas of my life. For that reason, I have found myself drawn to effective strategies for modifying male behavior in my presence that are effective specifically because they utilize emotional self-control and self-preservation to allow the natural consequences of a person's actions to teach them justice.

Women are natural leaders in relationships, and when a woman realizes this it becomes apparent that she has the power to create justice in a relationship simply by controlling the pace of a man's access to her and regulating her rewards for good behavior. Bad behavior can be dealt with in a number of ways involving deterrents that demonstrate social justice and inspire behavior modification, but this involves energy and an investment in a man. When dealing with bad behavior from a man, one has to ask themselves if they are planning on holding on to him for a while or not. If not, it is more energy efficient for a woman to simply move on. Some men are best taught by demonstration that a woman he wants can leave him and never look back if he takes his chance to honor her for granted.

Justice Happens When People Are Honest

Justice for a man’s behavior towards women comes about when the woman he’s pursuing is honest about the feelings she is left with after spending time with him. When considering whether to put up with something or not, and how to spare a man’s feelings from reality, it is the most honest thing to assert one’s own feelings, needs and perspective, and in the end it is the best for his eventual enlightenment and happiness. Initially, though, it might lead to his crankiness.

A woman always has the option of masking her instinctual response for the sake of keeping a man compliant, or invoking his compliance, with what she wants from him. However, when a woman agrees to endure a man’s insensitive, unsupportive and unsacrificing behavior towards her she is not demonstrating an instinctual response but a contrived one where his failure to please her is compensated for by her over-exertion at the expense of her emotional peace.

This can be a way of manipulating the outcome of their encounter in the attempt to ensure the relationship works, or appears to work, even though she is not amused by this man’s behavior. It requires a person to bypass their emotional instincts and trespass their Goddess/God given comfort zone, which exists to protect them from injustice and thereby prevent others from being able to get away with acting unjustly towards them. So, responding to one’s instinctual sense of what is admirable or what is asinine ensures that a man is held accountable to the mechanism of universal justice that is built into our souls.

If the situation calls for disappointment with him and orders to get lost, honesty requires that it be done despite the desire to make the relationship appear like she wishes it to be. No pandering is necessary, and no sugarcoating of the true emotional situation he has precipitated is going to help him. Simple communication about the matter allows him to see the social consequences of that behavior and how it can undermine all of his relationships.

Avoiding The Not-Yet-Humble Man

Many disrespectful forms of behavior from men go undetected because of the excuses that these behaviors are common among others or are just meant as a joke. Such behaviors include not responding to what a woman says, interrupting a woman when she is speaking, touching a woman without permission, teasingly provoking or countering a woman or otherwise not causing her to laugh at his self-flattering joke, diminishing or playing games with the honor he owes her, denying that he owes women compensatory preference, and resisting concern for women's interests on the basis of preserving his own from them. Provoking and countering are the behaviors of a combative man who has a defiant disposition towards women, perhaps out of defensiveness over his failures towards them in the past. These signs indicate that a man is pretty much going to be useless to women for a long time under the best training conditions.

If a man's reoccurring behavior indicates a deep attitude problem, one where his thinking process is self-absorbed, self-preoccupied or egotistical, and therefore blind to the emotional needs of a woman, it is likely that his capacity for awareness of others and non-manipulative self-sacrifice is considerably stunted. Without others consistently demonstrating his undesirability when he employs selfish behaviors, or the potential for his romantic life once he shows a change in attitude, he will not have any reason to raise his effort level.

Trying to change the mind of this person or teach him a woman’s perspective is expended energy that is not worth the trouble, because he is not yet convinced of his vulnerability to women. Let life teach him this. The warning of an honest woman, a woman who appeals to him, and losing his access to her will bring him back to reality. The most efficient form of correction is for a woman to preserve her energy by stating her disapproval and leaving to let his own feelings teach him the rest. Leaving him by himself, or at least without her company and support, is non-combative because it is simply the acceptance of his anti-social behavior and her freedom from exposure to it.

The benefits of access to a woman’s presence and her company are powerful motivators for men, and the withdrawal of these benefits in response to careless or disrespectful behavior is punishment enough for them to have a change of heart over time.

Designing Sustainable Relationship Structures Through Honesty

In this way, fighting people and their wills is a waste of energy and is not necessary to demonstrate one’s importance or the importance of women. Nor is fighting with people necessary to achieve one’s standards for social behavior in a relationship.

Once a woman gets in touch with her true feelings regarding what she likes and what she doesn’t like, what she desires, and what her standards for social behavior are for men in her presence, she has the ability to teach a humble man how to please her.

It is also important for a woman to understand what role men play in fulfilling justice for women. Men are made to nurture women. It is built into their instincts. They are happy when their woman is happy, and when they see they have played an essential role in making her happy they are inspired to do more to please her. All they need is direction from her on how, specifically, to do so at that time. When a woman is willing to accept a man's sacrifices for her comfort and honor of her above himself, in public and in private, she is accepting the support she deserves and allowing a man to gain self-esteem through spiritual self-development. Women's insight and beauty nurture men's lives, and the symbiosis between women and men is for her sensual stimulation and spiritual influence on men to be repaid with honor and service to her needs and happiness by men. (For more on this concept, see the other articles under the "gender philosophy" category.) Once she perceives her importance to men's lives as a recipient of their nurturing, she will have clarity in perceiving how to preserve her resources around men and more confidence in asserting her emotional boundaries with them.

A woman first creates a structure of behavior for herself by determining her own interpersonal boundaries, such as what she will or will not tolerate in other’s treatment of her, and what level of intimacy she is willing and able to give to a man in the context of a certain show of trustworthiness and reliability from him. She adheres to her own structure by setting her limits with men in public and not tolerating exposure to anyone’s disrespect.

Once she is in a relationship, she provides or shares this structure with her chosen man by teaching him her boundaries. Only she can determine what tasks or achievements a man must accomplish for her in her presence in order to win different levels of her trust, and increased privileges to her attention, and these are based simply on her knowledge of her emotional responses and what enables her to enjoy herself and to trust a man.

Decisiveness regarding her standards and consistency about enforcing them is essential to inspiring him to be devoted to pleasing her. The more decisive and consistent she is in demonstrating her expectations, and the more reliable in action, the more confident he is that he knows how to please her and the more motivated he will be to show himself successful at it. It works well when she keeps her standards high to begin with, yet attainable for him, so that both her esteem for him and his own self-esteem will grow from the process of pursuing her favor.

Discipline and Boundary Enforcement

Preserving trust requires that a woman hold a man accountable for respecting her boundaries. Enforcing her boundaries in a relationship doesn’t require any fighting or emotional struggles. All it requires is for a woman to be decisive, to get her emotions under control in private, to relay the rules of intimacy and disciplinary measures to him in a straightforward way, and then follow them up with action when the situation arises. Just like a woman cannot argue with her instinctual emotions or her comfort zone, there is no argument to be had over the structure she has created based on these if he has chosen to accept her as she is. It is through demonstration of her own adherence to her boundaries that she enforces them with him, so there is no need for fighting to gain his support. He either follows her example or he leaves and gets his own place.

When there is a breach in trust because of his failure to respect her in attitude or action, the trust can only be repaired by a restoration of her faith in him, and his own faith in himself, to do better. An effective way to do this is to create a way for him to demonstrate his reversal of attitude through temporarily sacrificing his own comfort or honor in his own eyes to contribute to her comfort or honor. This can take many forms and depends on the couple and the symbolic metaphors that have developed between them for expressing sacrifice and respect.

Because it is the woman’s boundary that has been violated, it is she who initiates the confrontation with him to communicate the emotional effects of his behavior on her and what the consequences are for him with regard to his access to her. Likewise, she is the one to decide what temporary sacrifice he can make, what gesture he can give, to show his change of heart and devotion to honoring her.

When a woman asserts her need to have her faith restored in her man before they continue to be intimate, and when she allows him to make sacrifices for her by creating tasks for him that will benefit her, she gives him a chance to really earn her trust back and to impress her again so that she harbors no resentment or distrust. The opportunity provides the man with a catharsis for his sense of guilt and unworthiness of her in the form of his personal sacrifice, and when he benefits her in the process his self-esteem and self-confidence in his worthiness of her love grows. This success makes him much more devoted to protecting her honor and welfare, which he has begun to personally nurture and invest all levels of himself in.

Conclusion

A woman can believe in her importance and demonstrate it to others, whether they succeed at acknowledging it or not. Disrespectful men might think that losing her companionship won’t matter, but their feelings eventually demonstrate that it does matter, and that women are very important to their happiness. When a woman follows her own code of behavior for self-respect and respect for women, she inspires others by example, not argument, and avoids needlessly spending her energy on things like engaging emotionally with combative men. Perhaps one of the most convincing demonstrations of self-respect is the preservation of one’s own time and energy when dealing with men by using fewer words and more action.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ms Christina,

I am enjoying your blog and revisting to learn more. Thanks again.

I am curious as to what sort of discplinary measures you have in mind.

I hope all is well.

Take care.

Sal's Hubby

Blanche Black said...

Sal's Hubby,

Elise Sutton's book Female Domination is an excellent source for ideas, but it depends on the offense, what it has cost the woman and how it can be restored to her. If a man counters her decisions or assertions, or otherwise verbally insults her decision-making ability, he has cost her her pride in order to make himself look better. So compensation for that would be him showing willingness to sacrifice his honor and appearance to restore the admission of her importance. This might take the form of her ordering him to strip naked and spanking him with something of his, something that symbolizes what inspired him to insult her in the first place. Other forms of discipline that keep a man's ego in check or trim it down altogether would be slapping him in the face in public, face-slapping at home while he is on his knees, temporary physical isolation, and being tied down or wrestled and pinned.

I read about one couple who made an agreement with each other that when they got into an argument the woman would take the man over to a specific "time out" chair, tie his arms down to the armrests as he sat in it, and walk out of the room for a while. His position would require him to wait an indefinite amount of time for her to release him, during which he would eventually calm down, and then begin to feel longing for her. She would be doing things around the house, taking her time, and he would be thinking about her and wanting to go after her but completely unable to. By the time she would release him, he would be so grateful to have her attention again he would apologize and be more agreeable. So, the method of discipline they chose allowed them to diffuse the original conflict, relieve her of frustration and building resentment, and relieve him of guilt for upsetting her.

These are just examples. Each couple must design their own discipline structure by having her choose the rules and consequences in response to his input and feedback. When the couple is in agreement about the rules for conflict resolution, the punishment is not erratic or necessarily done out of anger. It is done in a methodic way that enables both of them to let the offense go.