tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-68031527732562583922024-03-13T13:32:58.911-04:00Blanche BlackFemale leadership of men in relationships and society through female assertiveness, boundary setting, male discipline, and matriarchy.Blanche Blackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16961534699759604152noreply@blogger.comBlogger22125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6803152773256258392.post-26134988081965200732013-11-29T22:49:00.000-05:002014-01-12T23:46:09.321-05:00Assertive Femininity and the New Masculine<div class="MsoNormal">
Women have been taking leading roles in their relationships
with men for a long time, <u>despite</u> the patriarchal structure of modern
society. History is full of women leading men in science and engineering,
computer development, medicine, humanitarian expeditions, exploration, and
social activism (just read the Blanche Black recommended reading list). And in fact, even though that history was
obscured and neglected for many years, due to poor character and discipline
among Western Civilization’s rather socially-insulated male scholars, the
collective work of female scholars within the Feminist Movement managed to
recover a large portion of it for us.</div>
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Perhaps one of the most potent demonstrations of women’s
abilities as cultural leaders has been the development of the Feminist Movement
over the last two centuries. Beginning in the 1860’s over the issue of women’s
suffrage, the movement eventually began to address a much broader scale of
political and social concerns, all of which were tied together by a common feature:
the persistent censorship and repression of women’s self expression and self
determination. As it turned out, the cultural female gender identity that had
been prescribed for women by their social and professional peers wasn't working
for them; rather, it proved to be consistently ineffective in protecting women against exclusion
from family and group decision-making, domestic violence, sexual assault,
denial of legal recourse, lack of employment opportunities, homelessness, and
other depressing topics of discussion. </div>
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The Feminist Movement,
however, was the collaboration of female thinkers, writers, researchers,
academics, intellectuals, and activists who addressed this challenge by
redefining society’s cultural and legal understanding of womanhood, redefining
women’s concept of their gender role in heterosexual relationships, and
changing public policies and laws to protect these developments. These women <i>pioneered </i>the first revision of a
cultural gender identity - <i>in a
patriarchal and nearly global society</i> - and they did so knowing the “heat”
they were going to take for it from insecure men and women. And despite that
clearly foreseeable backlash, they expressed their true gender identity anyway.
We Feminists continue to do so.<br />
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So, there has never been any shortage of women out there
leading men.</div>
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The reason misogyny and backlash against assertive women is
still so widespread is not for lack of women leaders effectively leading. It is
for lack of men following women’s lead by coming “out of the closet” regarding <i>their own</i> identification with and admiration
for women’s cultural contributions, as well as their desire for a new masculinity
– one that <i>compliments</i> the self
expression of their newly “liberated” female peers instead of attempting to
compete with it. </div>
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Men- the intimidation tactics resorted to by those who
cleave to the myth of machismo for fear of change is merely an indication that
it is time for men to follow in the footsteps of their assertive female peers
and have their own gender identity revolution. In many social situations, it is
only the example of socially-evolved men, and their increasing success with pleasing
women, that makes other men begin to question the necessity, or even
usefulness, of using attitudes like egotism and self-centeredness to prove
their “maleness” to others.</div>
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It is in public that men really show others what their
perception of masculinity is. <i>Public</i>
behavior, not private life, is what demonstrates whether a man defines his
masculinity as complimentary towards a women’s self expression, or dominating
towards women. Is a man doing and saying whatever he’s doing and saying to
impress other men in the room by attempting to demonstrate a form of power and
control over women? Is he aggrandizing himself
and other men in his own eyes, and in the eyes of others, at the expense of the
women in his company? Or does he use those moments when others are looking on
and listening in to demonstrate a woman’s importance to him, as a man, by making
her needs and interests a priority, even over those of his own?</div>
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And a man’s concept of his own masculinity determines how
much room he allocates in his mind for perceiving and considering women. When
it comes to evaluating a man’s potential as a prospective romantic partner,
it’s the details of his public persona that tell a woman how he really thinks
of her and her gender.</div>
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Fortunately for women, the overdevelopment of ego in a man
usually shows itself as a subtle yet transparent disregard for others unlike
himself. For example, men who engage me in conversation long enough to notice I
am confident, independent, and most likely Feminist, often try to pass
themselves off as supportive of Feminism and other assertive behavior in women
in order to get a date with me. In the course of a lengthy conversation, they
are quick to deny interest in porn and readily condemn perpetrators of domestic
violence; yet they casually refer to the women in their life with the
diminutive term “girl”. They are “all for” women in leadership, yet they are
quick to criticize female leaders in the public eye and skeptical of women’s
judgment in business and work situations, in contrast to their relatively blind
faith in the men that occupy similar positions. They are not familiar with any
female pioneers in their fields of interest, and in the midst of a speculative
philosophical or scientific statement they blithely refer to the entire human
species as “mankind”.</div>
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These are the ‘guys’ whose concept of “submission” to a dominant
woman consists of lying on their back during the sex act. </div>
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These are the type of men that keep the dildo industry in
business, simply for purposes of time efficiency.</div>
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Women- if you’re dating a guy who opens the door for you,
yet fails to offer to carry the heavy backpack and grocery bags you’re
carrying, you’re dealing with a self-centered guy. If you’re dating a guy who
commonly refers to males over the age of 18 as “men”, yet refers to post-pubescent
females with the same word he uses for pre-pubescent females, you’re dating an
egotistical guy <i>with the creepy inability
to distinguish between age groups when relating to females</i>. Other symptoms
of an overdeveloped ego in a man include: interrupting women in mid-sentence;
walking in front of his date in public; lack of interest in asking a woman
questions about her opinions or livelihood; eating off a woman’s plate in
addition to his own during meals; lack of gastro-intestinal control; and lack
of grooming, research, and other forms of self-exertion in preparation for
dates.</div>
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Personally, I’d much rather spend my time with a man who
thinks enough of women and their wants to groom himself, in body and in mind,
to their liking. What turns me on is a man physically disciplined enough to get
his body in beautiful shape in anticipation of pleasing a woman visually, while
also being mentally disciplined enough to choose his words wisely; a man who
refers to adult females as “women”, in acknowledgement that they have
more-than-earned a title that distinguishes them from children; a man who loves
sports enough to know who Babe Didrikson and Jackie Mitchell were; a man who is
well versed enough in the history of social activism to know who Mother Jones
was; a man who would have voted for Victoria Woodhull in 1872 when she ran for
president of the United States; a man who knows about the first group of tested
and trained American astronauts that made up the Mercury 13 space program, and
that they were all women; a man who knows that the inventors of the first
computer software program, as well as the first computer language, were also women-
along with the inventors of Kelvar, windshield wipers, and the Mars Rover; a
man who knows the definition of Feminism and isn’t afraid to use it in front of
other men.</div>
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Check out this example of masculinity by <a href="http://www.jacksonkatz.com/bio2.html">Jackson Katz</a>, in
his TED talk <a href="http://tedxtalks.ted.com/video/Violence-Silence-Jackson-Katz-P">“Violence & Silence”</a> .
This is a man who works with men in professional circles, institutions and
industries where machismo and a deep misunderstanding of manhood runs high (athletics,
law enforcement, the military, college campuses); yet he coaches these men to
be affirming and protective of women in order to be effective social leaders
for their male peers. His example of appreciation for female leadership and his
public demonstration of respect for women should be <u>the official standard</u>
for any self-respecting heterosexual man who considers himself a lover of
Womanhood. And among the hoards of men he has mentored and influenced there are
many others who follow his example and mindset by demonstrating love and
appreciation for assertive women in their interactions with other men. </div>
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So you can believe there are a lot of men out there
redefining the gold-standard for masculinity with their Pro-Feminist worldview
and attitude. And there are a growing number of women out there who know enough
not to “settle” for any less.</div>
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There is a rich history of assertive femininity and female-affirming
men out there that has paved the way, as well as a wealth of human activism all
around us giving birth to the new manhood; both have been actively censored
from academic textbooks and popular media channels by those industries that
stand to lose money from the social changes such a collaboration would bring
about. It takes a socially-evolved man
to follow in the footsteps of his Feminist female counterparts by reclaiming
this stolen heritage, liberating himself from the unsustainable gender identity
of machismo, and redefining his cultural gender role towards women to achieve
meaningful and authentic relationships with them. Indeed, that is the only type
of partner worthy of a “liberated” woman.<br />
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<u>Additional Resources</u>:<br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=td1PbsV6B80">Tony Porter, A Call To Men</a><br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ivvU6_aaIrY">Jeremy Meltzer, Where Is Men's Roar </a><br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6XNrzmh0EVs">Ingrid Vanderveldt, The Art of Making the Impossible Possible</a><br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8kVNw8zBMkg">Codes of Gender, Infantilization of Women</a><br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ntKfkGnvMA">Lauren Zander, No One Is Coming To Save You (How women can get what they want)</a><br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J_XdcRsnoU4">Joel Stein, My Search For Masculinity</a><br />
Educational Resources: <a href="http://www.mediaed.org/cgi-bin/commerce.cgi?preadd=action&key=246">The Bro Code</a><br />
Educational Resources: <a href="http://www.mediaed.org/cgi-bin/commerce.cgi?preadd=action&key=237">Tough Guise 2</a><br />
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Blanche Blackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16961534699759604152noreply@blogger.com24tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6803152773256258392.post-5573300812994932512009-08-07T08:58:00.011-04:002009-08-07T14:15:33.431-04:00How to Train a Boyfriend: Other Women's ExperienceAs if confirmation of an ideological Zeitgeist fell from heaven, a friend recently came across a dating advice article entitled, "6 Ways to Train Your Boyfriend", where the writer interviews Amy Sutherland, author of "What Shamu Taught Me About Life, Love, and Marriage: Lessons for People from Animals and Their Trainers". Here are two other women who can attest to the power of psychological awareness and behavior modification for communicating more effectively with your man.<br /><br />One part worth quoting emphasizes how communicating what you want to a man through specific direction and demonstration gives him a chance to show his true attitude towards you and his potential as a partner:<br /><br />"The average guy is plenty romantic, but he's not hardwired to plan out the little details. So if you can't remember the last time he put together a romantic night for you both, you'll have to show him the way. Start by staging your apartment with cues that get you going, like candles and a sultry soundtrack. Have your favorite chilled wine on hand so you can ask him to open it before dinner. This creates a ritual in his mind. Eventually, not only will he get a sense of what your romantic needs are, but he'll also start making a game plan of his own."<br /><br />See <A HREF="http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/relationships/24307/dating-advice-6-ways-to-train-your-boyfriend;_ylc=X3oDMTN1anJtaW43BF9TAzI3MTYxNDkEX3MDMjE0MjI5NzEzNARrAzYgV2F5cyB0byBUcmFpbiBZb3VyIEJveWZyaWVuZARzZWMDZnBfdG9kYXkEc2xrA2RhdGluZy1hZHZpY2UtNi13YXlzLXRvLXRyYWluLXlvdXItYm95ZnJpZW5kBHp6A2FiYw">Dating Advice: 6 Ways to Train Your Boyfriend</A><br /><br />Also see <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/What-Shamu-Taught-About-Marriage/dp/0812978080/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1249668690&sr=1-2">What Shamu Taught Me About Life, Love, and Marriage: Lessons for People from Animals and Their Trainers</A><br /><br/>Blanche Blackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16961534699759604152noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6803152773256258392.post-80180473311209349432009-07-21T01:32:00.016-04:002010-05-18T23:14:15.880-04:00How to Train a ManLet me let you in on a little secret: Despite all their posturing, men are actually really vulnerable to women, and most men will do anything to hide this. Every day, they obsess over women’s bodies, women’s sensuality, women’s opinions of them, their ability to please women romantically and in bed…. and how to cover all that up under the illusion that they are indifferent to whether women like them or not. Some common ways men are encouraged to prove this indifference to themselves and others include disrespectful talk about women with the guys, trying to hurt women’s feelings, and generally defying what women want. Curiously, all such attempts from them seem to require an audience, usually male, which operates as a pep rally for psyching themselves out until they actually believe themselves.<br /><br />They go to great lengths to hide their constant vulnerability towards the opposite sex from themselves. In relationships, they might hold on to this persistent façade by arguing, being contradictory, teasing and pushing buttons, and acting out in brazen selfishness with anything from using porn to blowing off household chores.<br /><br />The thing about denial, however, is that the charade used to mask what one is so ashamed of has to escalate in intensity in order to keep blocking out one’s ever-nagging consciousness of it. And so you see some men making public attempts to provoke women with insults, making a show of indifference towards women’s unhappiness with them, speaking about women in a diminutive way with terms that trivialize their womanhood, and even acting out in physical ways against women. They make a hobby out of denying their emotional vulnerability to women’s approval of them, apparently bitter that women still dominate their thought life.<br /><br />The fact that so many men work so hard to act this way in front of an audience shows just how much their behavior is an attempt to change their social image rather than being an indication of how they actually feel. Why do they have to prove their emotional invulnerability to others if they are so secure about it? Why put so much effort into denying something if they don't have something to hide?<br /><br />It’s just like what many of us experienced with boys back in elementary school: boys often went out of their way to provoke, insult, and otherwise annoy the girls they actually liked and wanted to be around in order to prevent them and everyone else from knowing it. (Brilliant, eh? Lot of good it did them).<br /><br />So, if men’s posturing and arguing don’t necessarily indicate what they want, but how they want to appear, what are they hiding? Consciously or subconsciously, men want more than anything to be wanted by women, to be able to attract the focused attention of the woman they're pursuing to the same degree that she attracts they're attention, which is a lot. Why do you think they drop their guy friends so readily once they get love-struck by some mysterious woman?<br /><br />This means that whatever behavior of his manages to draw her attention and keep it on him largely determines how he treats her, whether that be because he is charming her or pissing her off.<br /><br />When a man is really interested in a woman, whatever she wants in a man is what he wants to be for her, because he wants his already intense attention and appreciation of her womanly charms to be reciprocated. If she accommodates her own interests, he will adjust his behavior to ensure he continues to remain one of them. Once he has that reciprocation, however, he’s got what he wants so he has no reason to change what he’s doing. That’s alright if what he’s doing is bending over backwards to please you, but not if he’s slacking off. Give a man his ego trip <u><i>and</i></u> your attention and he’ll take both. Make him choose between the two and, if he’s into you, he’ll eventually choose your attention and drop the attitude.<br /><br />Behavior therapy is very handy for this purpose.<br /><br />The incentive for a man is a woman's expression of pleasure and approval when he leaves his comfort zone to try and charm her. Consistent acknowledgement of what a man does right will evoke more of the same from him, and willingness to go even beyond that to do other things you suggest. Expressing satisfaction when he does it right is the key to keeping it going. That satisfaction and pleasure as a response to him signals that he's just succeeded in making himself more important to you.<br /><br />All men, however, are prone to slip into the selfish modes of their upbringing. If they think they can’t be what a woman wants, they will settle for negative attention from a woman and begin to provoke her. Often, women can reinforce a bad behavior in a man just by giving him extra attention for it, even if it’s negative attention. That’s why negative attention towards men, like nagging or throwing dishes at them, rarely keeps a bad behavior of theirs at bay for very long- it is still a type of attention. This is where your honesty about how his behaviors turn you on or off comes in handy, if it’s expressed as an increase or decrease in your interest.<br /><br />One of the best ways to discourage a bad behavior then is to highlight your lack of interest in it. Whether he’s just getting to know you or he already knows better, let the loss of your attention be the punishment for his disrespectful or difficult attitude by taking distance from him in whatever way works best for you.<br /><br />If he complains about your cooking, for example, have him cook for himself the following night while you go out to dinner with a friend. If he teases you or makes jokes at your expense, look at him as if he’s speaking gibberish and acting unusually strange, then postpone your Saturday night plans with him and go out with the ladies to a hot comedy club instead. It will be much funnier than him. If he argues with your personal decisions, or pressures you to change them, cut your time with him short by saying you have to get up early in the morning and need the whole bed to yourself to get a full night’s rest. Subtle reminders that you have other things you can be doing and other people to see will usually snap a man out of his indifference act.<br /><br />If he repeats any of these negative behaviors, tell him directly what you don’t like about what he’s doing, and what behavior you want from him instead. If he persists despite your warning, tell him to leave so you can re-evaluate the relationship, then ignore his calls. Don’t argue. Take space and cool down. He’ll regret it later. A woman doesn’t have to get emotional and upset to teach a man a lesson. Just give him a choice.<br /><br />If you’re in a female-led relationship, you can make a policy of stopping a heated argument by tying him to a chair in the bedroom for a little while and getting other things done around the house. Don’t forget to gag him! It gives him time to calm down and rethink his approach and it gives you time to do something you enjoy instead. Finish that book you’re in the middle of, or order take-out and enjoy watching a movie in the next room.<br /><br />To complete his lessons, wait until he shows a change of heart and until you’re feeling better, and then give him a chance to rephrase what he was trying to say before. Tell him what behavior you want from him instead of what he did, what type of behavior will please you, and have him do a few practice runs with you right then and there. When he does it to your satisfaction, reinforce this with some light praise.<br /><br />Then, just to prove to the both of you that he can earn back your trust and confidence in him, assign him an unpleasant task or duty as a punishment for having upset you in the first place. It will prove just how sorry he really is for putting you down and being knowingly offensive. It can be cleaning toilets, buying tampons at a crowded supermarket, or bending over to take a spanking of some sort. You’ll be surprised how much better you’ll feel once he accomplishes this as a token of his commitment to change his attitude. And once he endures it, he will feel much more optimistic about trying to be the man you want, now that he has a way to make up for his possible failures and start over with a clean slate from you. <br /><br />The more a man thinks he can be what a woman wants, and knows she won’t tolerate anything less, the more he will try for the positive attention rather than the negative attention.<br /><br />In fact, assigning a man tasks that benefit you, especially tasks that challenge him, and showing him positive attention when he carries them out, strengthens this positive dynamic, increasing your trust in and satisfaction with him and increasing his sense of adventure in pleasing you.<br /><br />Physical challenges are the best. Ask him if he can cook a three course French meal totally nude without burning himself or the food. See if he can carry both you and the groceries up the stairs and through the front door at the same time. Have him vacuum the whole house each day with 20-pound weights on his arms and legs. That will help get him in shape. Suggest he practice Kegel exercises and see how many times in a row you can have sex without him losing his erection. There are endless variations on this theme. Make sure when he succeeds to show him how excited and pleased you are by the results of his hard work. Challenge him to make slightly larger sacrifices of his comfort zone than he is used to in order to accommodate your sense of fun, and both of you will be excited when he exceeds his previous achievements. It will increase his excitement about making you ultra happy.<br /><br />These are just the basics, of course. A woman can develop her own strategies along these same principles, according to what she knows about her partner, and the relationship will take on its own style of conflict resolution and romance.<br /><br />Training a man is all about a woman getting the most from her man for the building of intimacy in the relationship, which requires him to come out of his privileged status so he can get to know and relate to her more. Helping him break free from ridiculous corporate myths and personal denial by confronting him with his desire for and attraction to her is all part of it. Why should other men's delusions control his state of mind towards her and get in the way of the intimacy between them?<br /><br />For more, check out <a href="http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/13231665/">Sherry Argov's</a> advice on getting the most out of your man.Blanche Blackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16961534699759604152noreply@blogger.com93tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6803152773256258392.post-49624278657596991062009-06-22T21:43:00.017-04:002010-05-28T00:16:25.390-04:00Chivalry is Not DeadMany people in our culture often give women the impression that the way to get a man to contribute more to a relationship, to motivate him to meet a woman’s needs and wants, is by figuring out what men want and giving it to them. Hogwash.<br /><br />Put them to work. Give them a list of duties to accomplish that will free up your time if they want to continue taking it up. Assign them challenging tasks that would really excite you to see them carry out, and tell them what they can do that will really impress you and make you want them over other men. Decide on rules of conduct for them that will make you comfortable when they are around you, and determine the consequences, both bad and good, for breaking or keeping these rules. Then carry them out accordingly. Why do you think men are so devoted and dedicated to their workplace?<br /><br />For a relationship to last and keep both partners interested it is important to put the woman’s happiness first before the man’s, because in romance and sex men are easily pleased compared to women; and if she’s happy, he’s happy.<br /><br />Nevertheless, many people consider it to be a sign of weakness of will for a man to defer to what a woman wants of him, or what she values as right, on a regular basis. In a culture where male dominance is considered the norm, male reverence and submission to women is difficult to confess the existence of, usually resulting in people going into a panic whenever they are forced to confront it. <br /><br />Yet, the men of our culture publicly show reverence and submission all the time. They show reverence for and unquestioning submission to rituals of national unity, fraternal rights of passage, military superiors, and athletic coaches. They show emotional abandon and devotion towards sports teams, sports cars, and successful male role models. In plain sight, men who our society recognizes as masculine are submissive with certain people, and in certain contexts. They know that public submission and deference to others doesn't make them weak-willed, because society recognizes the ability of men to be submissive in certain relationships while remaining competitive and assertive in others. As long as their submission is aimed at men and male traditional values, no one has a problem with it.<br /><br />So, the controversy surrounding the concept of male submissiveness is not over men having a submissive side, but rather over what men choose to ascribe sacredness to and recognize the power of.<br /><br />When men in our culture choose to apply their submissive adoration towards other men, they also choose to channel their physical competitiveness and self assertion elsewhere- and guess where that might be. Current male social leaders and media directors still discourage men from offering their submission to female role models, female authority figures, or any symbol of collective female values, fearing that to do so would eliminate the one area of life where men still have opportunity to express their aggressive and competitive natures without immediate danger to themselves –their relationships with women. They prefer to use social interaction with women as an outlet for their physical prowess and pioneering independence by attacking women and defying women's desires. Tackling a female associate to the floor doesn’t require much discipline or risk of physical injury, nor imagination for that matter, and it doesn’t endanger a man's popularity with other guys; yet it gives them the appearance of being competitive and triumphant in the eyes of other men. <br />I suppose you could say such men are “dick-whipped”.<br /><br />Believe it or not, there was a time in history when venerating and deferring to a woman was seen as a sign of heterosexuality. Yes, it’s true. Back then, men consciously chose to meet their need for submission, their need for a leader and a source of inspiration, by deferring to women and worshiping female values. Out of loyalty, they devoted their physical strengths and hormone-derived valor to protecting the interests of women and applied their desire to compete to male troublemakers or alternate suitors. Prestigious men were expected to serve and entertain women, which was considered a sign of strength of will. To <u>not</u> serve women in this way eliminated a man’s common ground with other men, came across as undisciplined, and made him generally unpopular. In fact, public submission to women was one of men’s most favorite hobbies and gave them opportunity for all kinds of creative play and adventure. This cultural movement was chivalry, practiced across Europe and England from the 11th century to the 13th century. The men who bound themselves to live by its code did so to join a brotherhood of knights who worked to protect their society.<br /><br />These men were not afraid of risk or hard work. After choosing the profession, a man went through a long and arduous right of passage before being tested and approved to serve as a knight. His right of passage involved: seven years of working as a servant for a knight’s household, another seven years serving the prestigious woman of his choice by carrying out duties for her designed to test and refine his character, being ordained a knight in an elaborate ritual, fasting for twenty-four hours, staying up all night in a church watching his new uniform, and undergoing a religious confession and communion, all before being allowed to swear loyalty to the code of chivalry.1<br /><br />It seems the code of chivalry was so attractive to these hardened men of war because it gave men an honorable social role and a meaningful guide to measure their own manliness by. The principles of the code were the love of adventure, carrying out service as guards or soldiers with noble virtues, protecting the safety and honor of all women, showing loyal devotion and deference to one chosen noblewoman, and carrying their services out with self-sacrificing generosity and courage. This often took the form of practical protection of women from physical attack, which led to the practice of a noblewoman selecting a favored knight to escort her to her carriage; the role of escort eventually allowed opportunity for a knight to express his devotion to protecting a noblewoman by deferring to her wishes, as trivial or challenging and risky as they might be. This included defending women’s honor by protecting them from insult, as well as simply entertaining them with creative praise or performing athletic challenges.2<br /><br />The movement was believed to be a reaction against the barbaric violence and corrupt excesses that were the customs of battle for warriors under the direction of feudal lords; the notion of chivalry developed among knights as they began to pursue a more just and noble purpose for their social role. In contrast to past self-centered values, chivalric knights identified their purpose as adventurously protecting women, upholding traditionally female virtues, and worshiping the inspirational power of femininity.3 They worshiped femininity in spirit and in action.<br /><br />Spiritually, they venerated what they considered to be female values by emulating them. The values of honor, courtesy, hospitality to the poor and oppressed, deference to others, unselfish love, endurance of suffering, loyalty, chastity, and faith in God- these were all seen as the virtues of the Virgin Mary, which they valued as noble and sought to experience personally for their own edification of purpose.4<br /><br />In action, they protected women from physical danger and social insult while also putting their newfound female virtues to use by honoring and pleasing women with their masculine strengths. Knights saw the truest and purist expression of heterosexual love as a man’s worshipful longing for a woman in response to her powers of sensual appeal and savvy, channeling their passion for her into honor and praise for lack of a sexual outlet. For this reason, knights from this period of time courted their chosen mistress while practicing chastity.5<br /><br />One historian says, <br />“Thus, the lady leaves her isolation and becomes an inspiration; the relationship between the sexes tends to acquire a teaching dimension, above all else for the man, the sentiment of feminine gentleness and the joy of serving the lady disciplining and gentling his warrior roughness and ferocity.” 6<br /><br />There are still men who connect with this archetype of masculinity and relate to its way of building relationships with women. Though they do not have the advantage of an organized brotherhood or a universal code of demonstration to be recognized as such by women, they do tend to have certain features in common and their behavior takes on a similar pattern.<br /><br />They make their woman their first social priority. They like to run errands and take care of chores for a woman, cook dinner for her, and attend to her in public. They like to listen to a woman without interrupting her, take an interest in what she thinks without arguing with her, and show a great interest in her work with the admiration and support of a devoted fan. They see the merit in doing things her way at home and in the relationship. They remember what she likes and do it often. They let her set the pace for sexual activity, and once invited they attend to her needs and interests first; they are intensely sexually loyal. They don’t take their sexual cues from porn films. They do not ejaculate prematurely.<br /><br />They might open doors for women, but it is not out of an effort to confine women’s labor or public role. On the contrary, these men prefer to play the role of assistant to women who are professionally successful and highly independent -women who have their own sense of direction and are not afraid to apply it to men. And yet, at the same time, they will confidently compete with other men, even aggressively, and assert themselves in their profession or hobbies. Again, male selective submissive allegiance to a woman is hard for some to conceive of, but it is much the same thing as a sports fan’s intense admiration for a highly skilled and talented professional athlete. Women may tend to take their strengths as women for granted, but these men don’t.*<br /><br />Contrary to popular belief, there are a good number of men out there with this disposition, though they are not always obvious to women because they aren’t the ones causing a public commotion in a desperate attempt to get female attention. They’d rather <u>pay</u> attention, and then appeal to her personal interests to <u>earn</u> her attention from her. Perhaps the best way for a woman to find them is to develop a healthy interest in what <i><u>she</u></i> wants and use an online profile to let men know exactly what that is so that discerning men will find <i><u>her</u></i>. This tends to weed out the self-absorbed ones.<br /><br />The more clearly women perceive how masculinity and male submissive allegiance to women are not only compatible but also interdependent, the higher women’s standards for men’s attitude and behavior will rise, and the men who want the adventure of a real relationship will meet the challenge. Setting low standards to help a self-centered man get the swing of things in the adult world is a waste of time. Men are not stupid. Men are quite capable; if they aren’t taking direction, the issue is one of willingness.<br /><br />But there’s no need to contend with an unwilling man. Men that are chivalry-oriented are already motivated, getting a sense of adventure and importance from performing a service for a woman. They are willing to work for a woman’s love and happiness because they don’t take women for granted. All they need is direction.<br /><br />And why should women doubt it? Women’s physical sensuality and intellectual power exerts a force over men that disarms them of their competitiveness and inspires them to serve instead. It has inspired men to do all kinds of spectacular things in the effort to be as noticeable and interesting for women as women are for them. Women’s power of sensual allure has inspired whole fleets of warriors to rein in the barbaric carelessness and wasteful excesses that were the custom of their position in society and to conform their way of life to a strict ethical code of behavior. All without having to give sex to any of them.<br /><br /><br />* For a great example of the chivalrous man, and this combination of competitiveness with female adoration, watch <u>The Widow of St. Pierre</u>, with Juliette Binoche and Daniel Auteuil. Also read <i>Graceling</i> by Kristin Cashore.<br /><br /><br /><br />1 (Sidney, pp.260-261), (Elvins, pp.2-8, 59-61)<br />2 Ibid.<br />3 Ibid., (Westerson, 2007)<br />4 (Elvins, pp.2-8, 59-61)<br />5 (Westerfield, 2007), (Elvins, pp.2-8, 59-61)<br />6 (Elvins, pp.7-8, quoting Giuseppe Salvioli from <i>‘Cavalleria’</i>, II Digesto Italiano, Florence, 1912)<br /><br />Elvins, M. T. (2006). <i>Gospel Chivalry: Franciscan Romanticism</i>. Leominster, Herefordshire: Gracewing.<br /><br />Sidney, Low, Sir.(1973). <i>Dictionary of English History</i>. New York: Cassell.<br /><br />Westerson, Jeri. (2007, November 12). Getting Medieval: The Code of Chivalry and Courtly Love. Posted to http://jeriwesterson.typepad.com/my_weblog/2007/11/the-code-of-chi.htmlBlanche Blackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16961534699759604152noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6803152773256258392.post-14449897959063726422009-06-09T15:52:00.008-04:002009-06-09T16:57:32.947-04:00Women and PowerFor a continuation of our dialogue on the differences between women and men in their use of power, check out one man's perspective in <a href="http://ethicist.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/06/02/give-women-guns/">Give Women Guns</a> by Randy Cohen from last week's NY Times. <div><br /></div><div>Also check out <a href="http://www.ft.com/cms/s/0/c7dcb27c-bbc3-11dd-80e9-0000779fd18c.html?nclick_check=1">Men have messed up. Let women sort it out</a> by Gillian Wilmot from Financial Times, and <a href="http://www.extensor.co.uk/articles/do_women/do_women_make_better_managers.pdf">Do women make better managers?</a> by Joanna L. Krotz.<br /><br />It seems these concepts are part of a larger Zeitgeist.</div><div>---------------------------------------------------------------------------------</div>Blanche Blackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16961534699759604152noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6803152773256258392.post-59829742800545471372009-01-02T03:41:00.001-05:002009-06-03T20:17:21.247-04:00Matriarchy: The Power of Collective Female LeadershipMen have been the favored crowd, the popular crowd, for quite a while in Western culture. This “boys’ club” has been handed the podium, family inheritances, career advancing favors, center stage in literature, visibility in the media, sexual entertainment, and social leadership positions as far back as most of our schools’ history books go. And with that public favor they have managed to hoard decision-making power about everything from public policy to the entertainment industry.<br /><br />And because this society’s favors for men have made “the boys’ club” the place where the public spotlight is, the place where all the fun is, women have often chosen to emulate men’s apparent social and material success by adopting the male behavioral strategies that supposedly have led to it. This includes men’s standards for treatment of others, as well as men’s attitudes towards women. Many women choose to conform to these standards themselves and apply them to other women simply to be included and avoid the nine circles of hell associated with being an outcast: being excluded from public leadership, left out of board rooms and after parties, ignored as cultural role models, forgotten in history books, trivialized in entertainment, criticized by boyfriends and husbands- wait… come to think of it, that’s also the cost for women’s <i><b>inclusion</b></i> by the boys’ club.<br /><br />But beyond issues of self-censorship, women have resorted to adopting the behaviors and strategies of this self-serving group of men and their male leadership style. This is the group of men who have led Western societies into scandalous and genocidal religious wars since the Crusades, who have pirated the natural resources and lives of other cultures since European colonialism and slave trading, who have trashed and mismanaged their own natural resources and painted themselves into a corner with environmental collapse, who have repeatedly shot themselves in the foot with overspending and looted the people under their leadership to cushion themselves from the consequences: this is an undisciplined group of bullies and blundering idiots.<br /><br />The problem is that women have lost touch with themselves in the attempt to emulate male aggression and other destructive coping mechanisms from our society’s traditionally male leadership. When the most badly behaved group of people is rewarded the best social treatment in the form of professional alliances, social fawning, and exemption from family obligations and the rules of fair play, their society is demonstrating a system of rewards and punishments that encourages the well-behaved among us to throw away their good social habits for the sake of social advancement.<br /><br />In our society, violent crime, as well as sexually violent crime, is predominantly a male problem. Typical annual statistics are as follows: 83% of spouse murderers are male <b>1</b>, 79.9% of all non-fatal family violence is committed by men <b>2</b>, 75% of dating partner murderers are male <b>3</b>,<br />87% of all stalkers are male <b>4</b>. Men commit 100% of rape against women, and 70% of all rapes against men; similarly, 92% of physical assaults against women and 86% of physical assaults against men are committed by men <b>5</b>. This is not violence towards an external or national threat for preservation of oneself and one’s country. This is violence turned against one’s own culture and support system.<br /><br />Perhaps this cultural phenomenon of violence among men is a sign of too much power being handed to those without the social ingenuity to know what to do with it.<br /><br />Over the last decade, researchers in the social sciences have conducted studies on high school students in Western cultures to determine gender differences in their learning and educational processes. These studies have found that male thinking styles and methods of coming to conclusions are “exclusionary”, eliminating other points of view and perspectives from consideration in favor of an individual one. Their problem solving style is one of immediacy, basing their solution on the context of immediate circumstances to get quick results without considering larger contexts such as environmental or human impact. This is reflected in their social style in group settings, where their approach to group dynamics tends to be hierarchal and competitive to the degree that others are excluded from group activities <b>6</b>. This aptitude for reduction, immediacy and individual competition might make men very valuable for meeting short-term goals requiring visibly noticeable results and measurable impact, but perhaps not so much for meeting goals like social cohesion or long-term sustainable production.<br /><br />In contrast, researchers found that girls and women demonstrate “connective” thinking when problem solving, immediately recognizing the connections between abstract solutions in the lab or classroom and practical results for the environment and community. Their style of making conclusions is “inclusive” of other people’s perspectives and points of view, assimilating other alternative possibilities to the one they’re promoting. Likewise, their social behavior in groups is socially inclusive and their approach to group dynamics is holistic rather than individualistic <b>7</b>.<br /><br />Women’s instinctive leadership style, like their thinking style, reflects their group consciousness, comprehensive problem solving, and awareness of others’ welfare. It is evident in their mothering of young children, their multitasking, their tendency to instigate social reform movements and start up charity work, and their prevalence in the social services. Their aptitude puts them at an advantage in fostering social solidarity, sustainable economic growth, and cultural quality of life- all things our society could use more of.<br /><br />These differences in thinking styles are perhaps partially due to differences in brain construction and operation between women and men. Researchers in neuroscience have found that hormones effect brain development, resulting in a higher degree of intercommunication between the different areas of the brain in women, and a higher concentration of activity to localized areas of the brain in men. Their studies on gender differences between female and male brains suggest that female brains process multiple aspects of information at the same time, and more quickly, and process communication more thoroughly than male brains do <b>8</b>. This implies that women are able to perceive the multiple aspects of a problem, or multiple alternatives for achieving a goal, at the same time, and then effectively communicate the solutions to others. Meanwhile, male brains are more singular in focus at any one time and are more perceptive of physical aspects of a situation like rates of speed and time, or human sexual behavior. This indicates that men excel in specialized tasks, or in achieving more specific goals <b>9</b>. Overall, these findings would suggest women are most likely more effective social leaders, providing more holistic strategy and perceptive direction, while men are excellent as executers of such direction.<br /><br />However, the development of the male thinking style into social aggression is apparently not inherent in male hormones or physiology. Rather, as a fascinating study by anthropologist Peggy Sanday shows, male expression of aggression towards others is socialized, based on the external factors of cultural orientation and segregation from women. It is a cultural habit, not a male instinct <b>10</b>.<br /><br />Similarly, the female behavior of catering to the male crowd and sabotaging other women, and sometimes men, seems to be more a peculiarity of certain cultures than an inherent norm. This is especially evident when examining the gender dynamics of other cultures.<br /><br />By comparing cultures traditionally led by male solidarity groups to cultures traditionally led by female solidarity groups, it becomes apparent that when women follow collective male leadership their quality of life goes down and their behavior slowly conforms to unchecked male behavior, which is usually anti-social and violent <b>11</b>. When men follow collective female leadership, this is not the case.<br /><br />The leadership styles of women observed from a number of non-Western cultures demonstrate consistent results in the areas of social stability and quality of life. Societies where women are the primary decision makers for public policy, political action, and/or economic management result in egalitarian gender relationships, the elimination of male violence towards women, and greater provision of nutrition, healthcare, and education for their children compared to societies where men dominate decision-making. They are often associated with peaceful national prosperity <b>12</b>.<br /><br />In other words, under female leadership both female and male behavior improves, relationships stabilize, and quality of life goes up for all.<br /><br />Specific examples of the benefits of female leadership can be found in documented and observed matriarchies, a couple of which still exist. Matriarchies provide great examples of female-style thinking in operation. Such societies feature women collectively exercising political and economic authority or power, in some cases attributed to them by right of a culture’s religious beliefs and in other cases gained by them because of the vital or economic importance of their labor to the society <b>13</b>. In addition these cultures are known for their lack of male aggression towards women; in turn men are eligible for certain political or religious positions delegated to them by female leaders <b>14</b>.<br /><br />In a scholarly documentation of all known and researched societies worldwide between 1750 B.C. and 1960 (A.D.), 32% of these societies qualified as matriarchies by this definition. Some feature women in public positions of power, like the Lovedu (South Africa), or the Abipones (Argentina); others have women in collective economic control and leadership, delegating public roles to men, like the Ashanti (W. Africa), the Iroquois (N. America), The Tchambuli (New Guinea), and the !Kung (Africa). Some feature female collectives that hunt and war independently from the men in their culture, like the Eastern Cree (N. America) and the Abipones. Others show women integrated with men in their culture while retaining certain legal privileges over them, like the Minangkabau (Indonesia) <b>15</b>.<br /><br />But all exhibit the features of female-style thinking in their operation, and all are essentially matrifocal. In matrifocal societies, female solidarity and interpersonal alliances are strong and male conformity to female values follows.<br /><br />A society becomes matrifocal when collective female decisions and activities override the importance of male activities for society because of the concentration of socio-economic power among women <b>16</b>. Men then focus on and respond to the interests of women as social habit, because that’s where the public interest is, that’s where important things are happening, and that’s where all the fun is. As a result, men come to emulate and learn from the female values of the women. Women constitute the “popular crowd” in their society because of their success, and because of their solidarity, which seem to go hand in hand.<br /><br />Interestingly enough, the pattern of values found in the female leadership styles of matriarchies seem to closely resemble the female thinking and problem solving styles found among female students in Western culture <b>17</b>.<br /><br />Upon further study, it becomes apparent that matrifocal societies, or matriarchies, are led by female-style thinking. Female leaders do not hoard decision-making power, despite their ability to do so, unless absolutely necessary on a temporary basis to prevent social dissension. Instead, they often prefer to delegate their political duties and share government leadership with men for the sake of labor efficiency and the men’s sense of social inclusion. In some matriarchies, these delegated positions are more for show or symbolism than political function. In other matriarchies male positions are more functional but limited by female leadership through female selection and female veto. Either way, this strategy increases social cohesion by benevolently providing visible social identity for men, while simultaneously extending women’s capacity to rule and keep watch over both the public sphere and the family sphere, leaving them time for childcare and economic productivity <b>18</b>. The majority of matriarchies result in sexual egalitarianism between women and men <b>19</b>. They are much less likely to be engaged in war than patriarchies <b>20</b>. Most matriarchies seem to rule their society peacefully through the power of attraction, accumulating prosperity and showing generosity with it towards their followers and allies. Their priorities seem to be social peace and a high quality of life, economic stability, efficiency in human resources, and future survival of their society. And being their priorities, those goals are met.<br /><br />The benefits of matriarchy for women are evident: supportive social networks and mutual aid groups, economic self-sufficiency, economic security for one’s children, control over the home environment, responsive public policy-makers. And according to researchers, matriarchy would certainly be in the best interest of children. However, the benefits of matriarchy for men and society as a whole are easily overlooked, mainly because these societies are unlikely to make international news. They’re too peaceful and contented, and aren’t prone to invading the countries surrounding them.<br /><br />To give an example of matriarchal social values in action, I will offer a quick description of the Lovedu, a royal matriarchy in South Africa that was still in existence, although on a much smaller scale, as of 2001. For over 400 years the tribe was ruled by a succession of bachlorette queens which had a reputation among neighboring tribes and even roaming European invaders as politically savvy, avoiding altercations and battles through “skillful diplomacy”.<br /><br />By excellent management and public policy, these queens increased economic productivity by making labor enjoyable and full of benefits, like free food and alcohol on the job, and avoided unnecessary rules and regulations for public life and work. Their diet was vegetarian and extremely healthy and well rounded.<br /><br />This motivated them to be extremely hardworking. The economy prospered, and by investing in quality of life for society members and avoiding war they managed to maintain and accumulate that prosperity. Human resources were applied to the mastery of botany for food and medicine production, maximizing use of their resources for self-sufficiency. As a result, the Lovedu were a contented and self-supporting, stable society.<br /><br />Women were independent and well respected in Lovedu society. They ruled religious life and, many of them occupied important political positions along with men. Critical diplomatic positions were occupied mostly by women, and both men and women in these positions were referred to as “Mothers”. Because of the abundance of impressive female role models, men were sexually attracted to the confidence, maturity and independence of older women and pursued them romantically. Marriages were performed by mutual consent.<br /><br />Their foreign relations strategy was to diffuse political tensions with generous offerings of land and brides for intermarriage. In this way, each queen always managed to secure protective treaties and form prosperous alliances with their neighbors, increasing the monarchy’s respect and renown in the area.<br /><br />Anthropologists who observed their culture first-hand considered them to have a “genius” for social life <b>21</b>. As Ann Jones explains:<br /><br />“Lovedu wealth was not based on trade; cattle and land passed from one household to another as gifts, and security lay in faith in reciprocity and the equivalence over the long term of services and obligations.” <b>22</b>. This was how all Lovedu were raised and this mentality was positively reinforced with social inclusion.<br /><br />One has to admire the frame of mind that would lead a group of people to behave in such a trusting and productive way, and yet wonder where it came from. It seems that Lovedu culture and society placed a high value on such personal behaviors as “appeasement, compromise, cooperation, helpfulness, tolerance, generosity”, and the ability to live at peace with others. They disapproved and looked down on the practice of individual competition, aggression, exploitation, and all forms of coercion, quarrelsomeness <b>23</b>. The attributes the Lovedu lived and governed by were the group-inclusive and holistic tendencies of female-thinking styles.<br /><br />It seems the benefits of being accepted and popular in this society outweighed the short-term gains of selfish behavior, creating strong positive reinforcement for conformity to these values. The social expression of disapproval for anti-social or self-centered behavior provided the negative consequences that reinforced people’s positive behavior.<br /><br />And there you have it. Rule by attraction rather than intimidation, unless you count the fact that other cultures feared losing the advantages and benefits of being associated with the Lovedu queen and on good terms with her.<br /><br />Today, this culture is just a small-scale version of what it used to be, due to the monopolizing effects of European colonialism and Westernization in the area. Like all societies, matriarchies come and go. But the wisdom of socially oriented female instincts remains powerful in potential. When feminine aptitude is applied to social and economic development on a mass scale through female solidarity, collective goals such as social peace, egalitarianism, economic prosperity, sustainable resources, environmental preservation, productive foreign relations, universal child health care- they all become viable. Women live in safety from assault. Men are influenced and guided by female values while the most useful aspects of their male-thinking style are developed and their productive social potential is realized. Society at large enjoys a better quality of existence.<br /><br />And as usual when it comes to female leadership, men benefit from it.<br /><br />Oh, and as for how collective female leadership deals with the occasional signs of male attempts to hoard political power from women? They usually assert their dominance over men in the form of an agricultural and foraging food supply strike, or collective confrontation and public male humiliation. Or, as in the case of the Abipones, sometimes women enforce a mutually agreed-upon tribal ritual where they inflict public whippings on all the men in the village to keep their male egos in check.<br /><br />But who says assertiveness and strict discipline aren’t inherently female values too? ;)<br /><br /><br /><br />1 U.S. Department of Justice, (2005)<br />2 U.S. Department of Justice, (2005)<br />3 U.S. Department of Justice, (2005)<br />4 U.S. Department of Justice, (1998)<br />5 U.S. Department of Justice, (2000)<br />6 Pierce, (1998), Zohar, (2005)<br />7 Pierce, (1998), Zohar, (2005)<br />8 Gurian, (2001), Moir, (1989), Pringle, (2008), Rodgers, (2001)<br />9 Gurian, (2001) pp. 29-42, Moir, (1989) p.47, Pringle, (2008), Rogers, (2001) pp. 26-27<br />10 Sanday, (1981) pp.9,165-172<br />11 Sanday, (1981) p.156-160<br />12 Sanday, (1981) pp. 131, 165-177, UNICEF, (2007)<br />13 Sanday, (1981) p. 114<br />14 Sanday, (1981) pp.114-115, 165<br />15 Jones, (2001), Mead, (2001), Murdock, (1969), Sanday, (1981), Sanday, (2004)<br />16 Sanday, (1981) p.116<br />17 Pierce, (1998), Zohar, (2005)<br />18 Sanday, (1981) p.115<br />19 Sanday, (1981) p.177<br />20 Sanday, (1981) p.174<br />21 Krige, (1943)<br />22 Jones, (2001) p.17<br />23 Jones, (2001) pp. 15-17<br /><br />Bibliography<br /><br />Gurian, M., Henley, P., & Trueman, T. (2001). Boys and Girls Learn Differently!: A Guide for Teachers and Parents. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.<br /><br />Jones, A. (2001). Looking for Lovedu: a woman’s journey through Africa. New York: Vintage Books.<br /><br />Krige, E. J., & Krige, J.D., (1943). The Realm of a Rain-Queen: a study of the pattern of Lovedu Society. New York: Oxford University Press.<br /><br />Mead, M. (2001), Sex & Temperament: in three primitive societies. New York: HarperCollins.<br /><br />Moir, A., & Jessel, D. (1989). Brain Sex-The Real Difference Between Men & Women. New York: Dell Publishing.<br /><br />Murdock, G.P., & White, D.R. (1969). Standard Cross-Cultural Sample. Ethnology 8: 329–369.<br /><br />Pierce, G. (1998, Winter). An Inclusive Paradigm for Education-Valuing the Different Voice. Initiatives, 58(3): 57-66. Retrieved February 11, 2007, from The Contemporary Women's Issues database.<br /><br />Pringle, A. D. (2008). How Boys and Girls Brains Differ. Master research module posted at the University of Science, Arts and Technology website, retrieved December 23, 2008, from http://www.usat.ms/Master/ENG062-How_Boys_and_Girls_Brains_Differ.pdf<br /><br />Rogers, W. & Rogers, R. (2001) The Psychology of Gender & Sexuality, Buckingham, England: Open University Press.<br /><br />Sanday, P.R. (1981). Female Power and Male Dominance: On the origins of sexual inequality. Cambridge, England: Cambridge University Press.<br /><br />Sanday, P.R. (2002). Women at the Center: Life in a Modern Matriarchy. Ithaca: Cornell University Press.<br /><br />U.S. Department of Justice, NCJ 169592. (1998). Stalking in America: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey. Washington, DC: Patricia Tjaden & Nancy Thoennes.<br /><br />U.S. Department of Justice, NCJ 183781. (2000). Full Report of the Prevalence, Incidence, and Consequences of Intimate Partner Violence Against Women: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey, at iv. Washington, DC: Patricia Tjaden & Nancy Thoennes.<br /><br />U.S. Department of Justice, NCJ 207846. (2005). Bureau of Justice Statistics, Family Violence Statistics: Including Statistics on Strangers and Acquaintances, at 31-32. Washington, DC: Matthew R. Durose et al.<br />UNICEF. (2007). The State of the World's Children 2007. New York, NY: UNICEF.<br /><br />Zohar, A. (2005, January). Physics Teachers’ Knowledge and Beliefs Regarding Girls’ Low Participation Rates in Advanced Physics Classes. International Journal of Science Education 27(1): 61-77. Retrieved February 5, 2007, from The Academic Search Premier database.Blanche Blackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16961534699759604152noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6803152773256258392.post-19697972903968572032008-07-27T16:01:00.003-04:002008-07-27T16:34:44.408-04:00Getting the Respect You WantRecruiting the assistance of men in this culture often proves to be a disappointing experience, so it is logical that many women avoid doing so unless absolutely necessary. Whether a woman is agreeing to allow a man to show her a good time, letting a male partner know she wants an errand or household chore accomplished for her, or even doing business with a serviceman, the low standards for men in this culture usually result in them being less than generous materially and energetically. <br /><br />The responses men offer to women who express what they want might contain elements of cooperativeness and respect, such as a one word acknowledgement that they still retain their hearing, or even a partial show of interest in the woman’s request while they exhibit preoccupation with something else, but it is often followed by joking excuses for their lack of follow-through on those requests, or mere procrastination for completing the task using unsolicited comments on the woman’s sex appeal, as if she cared to know what their sexual mood was.<br /><br />This kind of teasing is a mixture of flirting with “the blow off”, which is a way men avoid working on behalf of a woman while trying to disguise their laziness and apathy with cursory flattery, and even that pertaining to their own selfish preoccupation with a woman’s sensual stimulation for them. It is a form of disrespect.<br /><br />Rather than wasting their energy explaining how disappointing men’s apathy is, a woman often gracefully tolerates a man’s irrelevant sexual comments and leaves him in the dark as to how to gain her <u>genuine</u> interest in him.<br /><br />This, of course, is justice for him, but not enough justice for her, for there are men who would eagerly compete with such a man for her interests, and that can be used to satisfy her wants <u>and</u> discipline the disrespectful man by rubbing his nose in it. Often, it is not until a man feels he is losing out on the opportunity to get a woman’s attention that he is motivated to treat her the way she wants.<br /><br />A woman reveals her standards for tolerating male company by making specific requests of them and verbally, as well as sensually, expressing her happiness or disappointment with the responses men exhibit. She is guaranteed to get a man’s attention when she tells them how their behavior changes her perceptions of them, like letting them know that their joking in response to her concerns is their “failing to convince” her that she “can take (them) and (their) skills seriously”; or that their request for her time without the hospitality to offer service to her, like buying her dinner or entertaining her, is really them “not showing sincere interest in” her.<br /><br />Likewise, she is guaranteed a man’s attention when she avoids a disappointing experience with him to get what she wants from someone other than him. His competitiveness for female attention causes him to take an avid interest in what is attracting hers. That’s why it is in a woman’s best interest to always admit what her interests are and to give her attention to them as well as to the men who contribute to her achievement of them.<br /><br />So, when a man disregards a woman’s request for his service, or her concerns for a prompt response, or her interests in being shown respect and offered things she enjoys, he loses his opportunity to gain more attention from her. He defaults. At that point, getting what she wants is as simple as by-passing him to find another man who will respond to her request for service with the treatment she likes. When she disregards men who disregard her and lets them see her reward her attention to the man who respected her interests by showing his solid interest in them, she allows other men to regret their delay towards her and gives them motivation to change.<br /><br />After a few repetitions of this experience, most men reach a state of willingness to exit their comfort zone to regain the woman’s interest in them, often displayed as a plea to let them do something for her <i>at her convenience</i> and a claim that they “don’t want to lose” her. Of course they don’t. Up to this point she’s offered them more than they’ve ever offered her, mostly because of her female character and at least because of her sensual appeal for them. They have a lot to gain from being in her presence.<br /><br />It is at this point that they are ready to follow and that she can begin to take the lead and tighten her rules for rewards and denial with strict enforcement. She can choose to give them another chance at achieving her desires, or not, but the important thing is that she doesn’t suffer for their lack of readiness and that they learn to respect her for it.Blanche Blackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16961534699759604152noreply@blogger.com22tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6803152773256258392.post-13144593899263484352008-06-09T00:44:00.013-04:002008-06-09T18:22:24.433-04:00Recognizing Your AlliesThere are two kinds of heterosexual men: those who are turned on by themselves, and those who are turned on by women.<br /><br />There are men who are turned on by self-aggrandizement, who use the compliance of women to their will as evidence to others that their self-importance is not a delusion. By default, they are habitually unmindful of their woman’s feelings and injure her pride often. This kind of man can be nice, and he can tell a woman what she wants to hear, but he does so only on the condition that he gets extra-credit from her for it. He then reverts to the minimum level of compliance necessary to keep her from looking for someone else.<br /><br />Then, there are men who get turned on by women who seem more important than themselves, who outsmart them, win out over them, achieve professional success ahead of them -women whose will they want to comply with. Such men will always find opportunity to point out to a woman where she is more brilliant than themselves and others, where she outperforms themselves and others, and their passion for her, plutonic or romantic, is ignited by all the times she displays her self-contentment and social independence from them. In essence, they are infatuated with her for her leadership qualities, which inspire them and others to follow.<br /><br />One noticeable distinction between them is that self-infatuated men rarely see themselves as being self-absorbed. Women-infatuated men, by contrast, are usually hyper-aware of their potential to be self-absorbed and fault themselves for missing or not noticing the preferences of the woman they are with. Men are either essentially one or the other, it seems. This is most likely due to their tendency to be hierarchal-minded, assuming leader-follower relationships, rather than community-minded, assuming egalitarian relationships, when not under the consistent influence of female thinking.<br /><br />With men who love women, their attraction to a particular woman <br>has more to do with her success at getting what she wants rather than <br>any particular set of bodily features. That is because they don’t <br>perceive women as a form of entertainment, in contrast to the former <br>kind of man who seems to believe he is conducting casting calls for <br>a Broadway musical about his life. A man who loves women sees a woman as his inspiration, a role model, and seeks to be included in her perceived social popularity and success by entertaining <u>her</u>, and by responding frequently to her will in a needed vacation from his own.<br /><br />A woman will know this kind of man by his conversational habits such as frequent attribution of credit to her, acknowledgement of her insight, and tunnel vision of her successes in competitive situations. This is the kind of man who women wish they were with when they are involved with the other kind. But for a woman to enjoy and maintain that kind of admiration and support, she has to understand what this kind of man is responding to in her and receive what he is offering.<br /><br />False modesty and expressing self-doubt are of no use here, despite their usefulness in wielding the will of self-absorbed men by baiting their ego. The habits developed in the company of less desirable people must be broken, because they mask the very strengths and genius of a woman that these men value her for.<br /><br />By agreeing with a man’s bragging over her accomplishments, talent, cleverness, social popularity, beauty, and most of all complete independence from him for success, a woman allows this kind of man to have a place in her life, one of a follower or loyal ally; but most importantly she confesses the previously censored truth about her to herself and others. It is the truth about her because a person’s true social identity comes from what potential they have to be important to others, not unimportant to others. <br /><br />When a woman emerges from the shadows to own up to all the ways she impresses the men who actually see her, she is claiming her right to enjoy herself and receive overdue credit for her skills and achievements. She is also rewarding a man for his righteous attitude and attentiveness towards her with her approval and acknowledgement of his success at pleasing her. This reinforces his behavior and makes other men question theirs.<br /><br /><u>This </u>way of interacting with men is worth making a habit out of, one likely to be self-reinforcing and socially contagious.Blanche Blackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16961534699759604152noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6803152773256258392.post-81070003368154867492008-04-13T18:17:00.020-04:002008-08-11T23:23:29.984-04:00Leading By ExampleA reoccurring issue that often seems to aggravate confident women in female-male relationships is the problem of a proposed female-loving man who tends to “top from the bottom”, so to speak, or feign devotion to pleasing a woman while only serving her in the ways that turn him on. Worse yet, some men claim to revere a woman's will, then try to push her to participate in sexual activities which they desire after she has made known to them that she does not.<br /><br />This mixed message from the male can turn off a woman and even discourage her from sharing her dominant side with them at all. This situation confronts a woman with two choices- continue or leave. The question, however, is ‘can a woman stay with such a man and not be topped by him?’<br /><br />I have found that men who try to dictate the terms of our encounters through their selective resistance are best dealt with by standing up for my principles and not backing down. My terms for our sexual activity or dating are the only ones that matter to me, and his resistance to them makes him less worthy of my time. Although, I do customize my expectations according to the varying capabilities of certain men if I think they have the potential to do much better for me in the future.<br /><br />However, when I refuse to compromise the boundaries of my pleasure I risk being rejected by the man I am correcting for failing to heed them.<br /><br />I have been walked away from by a number of men who initially showed respectful behavior towards me. Upon telling them something that clashed with their existing ideology on what they should be capable of, or what approach to relationship with women was best for them, those men disagreed with me and then withdrew. This has happened with two dating partners, once with an online admirer, and a few times with a past lover.<br /><br />One dating partner originally responded to my corrections, but when it came time for him to admit his need to take direction from me rather than just giving me lip service and some flowers, he rejected my beliefs and my leadership.<br /><br />Another dating partner took my comments that he should get a car, a proper place to live, and a broader range of dating skills to mean that my standards were too high for any guy to meet.<br /><br />One online admirer had difficulty accepting some ideology he was unfamiliar with from me and stopped writing me.<br /><br />And the past lover responded to my reprimanding of him several times by throwing an intellectual temper tantrum and threatening to leave.<br /><br />Each of those times I refused to budge from my original perception of their difficulties, left them with a farewell correction, and let them follow their bright ideas elsewhere.<br /><br />What eventually happened was that the first dating partner contacted me to flaunt that he had started to see someone else; then after two and a half weeks of silence he text messaged me, emailed me a few times, and sent me an overgenerous birthday present, all without my encouragement. The other dating partner started texting me a month later, right after he got a better apartment, and has been texting me since to offer new dating options, all of which I have ignored up to this point. The other admirer wrote me back after a while with a more open-minded response and has been chatting with me avidly since then. And the past lover wound up returning each time to ask for my forgiveness and admit I was right, with two-week delays each time, and eventually discovered for himself a passionate affinity with my way of seeing things to the neglect of his interest in other women for a year after I broke up with him.<br /><br />What has this taught me? It has taught me that I don't have to be afraid of letting a man sulk. It has taught me that I don't have to be afraid of "winding up alone" for rejecting a man's unappealing treatment of me and not responding to him until he cooperates with my standards. Even when it requires me to be alone for a period of time, that demonstration of confidence from me eventually returns more male attention than it initially costs.<br /><br />Because men follow women who lead. Men seek the attention of women who follow their own convictions. A man is motivated by a woman who rewards him with attention for joining her in following her convictions, and who denies him her attention for straying from them. And when a woman has convictions about how she deserves to be treated, and how a man is in need of treating her, her convictions become the goal post and every man a competitor. And men love to compete.<br /><br />Men will doubt in their ability to reach her goals. Men will deny the validity of those goals and claim that no one can reach them. But when a woman is meeting her own goals with her own treatment of herself and her quality of life, it becomes obvious to men that her goals are attainable and it is their own performance that remains unconvincing.<br /><br />This doesn’t mean that men don’t have certain needs and convictions of their own. Men are focused by nature and are at their best when their focus is singular. So, men have the need to keep their focus on one legal code, one authoritative standard, be it that of an institution, a gender group, or an individual. And each man has a need for a personal criterion for selecting that ultimate leader and deselecting the leadership of others.<br /><br />A man who is open to female leadership uses his own criteria to select a female leader that inspires him in personal ways, outside of gender dynamics. However, it is the woman’s code of behavior and goals for quality of relationship that give him direction as to how to win her approval and inclusion of him in her plans.<br /><br />What makes him attentive is not necessarily what pleases him. It is what challenges him mentally or socially, what indicates that there is a higher level of achievement for him to apply his efforts to, that gets and keeps his attention.<br /><br />In the end, I follow myself- my own perceptions and beliefs that are<br />based on my feelings and experiential knowledge- because I am only happy <u>when I</u> am happy. And when I am happy, I am confident, which is the most alluring quality in a leader for those who like to follow.Blanche Blackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16961534699759604152noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6803152773256258392.post-4405991606004078012008-03-01T02:51:00.005-05:002008-06-09T22:12:07.913-04:00Porn is Not Man’s Best FriendWhat prevents female-male intimacy in relationships is self-centeredness, which men are encouraged all their lives to feed. And male-centered porn is one of the most potent ways they feed it. <br /><br />The vast majority of porn is male-centered and focused on male orgasm and self-flattery. This kind of porn nurtures their isolation from women in their perceptions and thinking on sex, and as it influences their attitudes in relationships it eventually leads to their social isolation from real women.<br /><br />However, the habit of porn hurts and fools them in the end, because they continue thinking and acting in self-centered ways that keep them oblivious to what women like myself want, both in sex and in social etiquette. So they become unsuccessful at preserving real relationships with women, who aren’t as non-existent as the women featured on the screen.<br /><br />Despite their self-flattery that women vicariously enjoy sex through men’s orgasms, a woman continues to want what she wants. Real Women continue to seek their own pleasure, that is to say, Women who get Real. And if men are unprepared to follow and relate to female pleasure then they remain unsuccessful at gaining and keeping female attention. It is their loss, unfortunately, as we women don’t get anything out of being with selfish men.<br /><br />Male self-centered thinking and behavior can’t take away a woman’s wants or prevent her from getting them met elsewhere. It can only blind men from seeing how they can make themselves relevant to women.Blanche Blackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16961534699759604152noreply@blogger.com24tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6803152773256258392.post-40643446060669644862008-02-26T15:51:00.008-05:002008-03-01T03:25:42.495-05:00Why?Why should men favor the will of women over their own? Because basically most men are entitlement hogs. They were conditioned to be. They were conditioned to think women want them to be.<br /><br />In female-male relationships men are working with women, a people group that doesn't have the same sense of entitlement to receive as men do because they haven't been encouraged to be the center of attention and support in group situations; and men are dealing with an ego that blinds them to the needs of others so that they tend to assert their wants over others' needs. Unless they change relationship dynamics to build up her confidence and minimize his ego, they will most likely grow farther apart.<br /><br />How can a man and a woman trust their minds not to play tricks on them as they revert back to her denial and sacrifice of what she wants for his assertion of what he wants? -By a man making active sacrifices of his wants to nurture hers, and his self-importance to demonstrate hers, as an exercise or effort to remind himself of the humility he needs to get in touch with to be fair to her. It is an exercise, both for the man and the woman, to talk differently and act differently than the "norm", if you will, in order to practice this mentality, which is like a ritual that helps one internalize ideas to achieve a mental or character change.<br /><br />In order to make a woman happy, a man needs to focus on responding to and supporting her will; and this cannot be done while the man is simultaneously focused on what he wants, because he will never focus on his benefit and her benefit equally. He will always favor his benefit unless he makes a conscious effort to favor her interest and benefit. <br /><br />When a man pushes and pushes for his will in a relationship by giving lip service and then pushing the boundary she has already expressed by making suggestions and taking actions that counter her will, his sense of entitlement wears down a woman until she gives up being confident in her will for herself, or the relationship. She starts to doubt the importance of her will as she sees his confidence and energy competing with hers in all kinds of disagreements. This motivates a woman to leave a man.<br /><br />And men are easier to please than women. So it is more of an accomplishment for a man to please a woman than it is for him to please himself, and this accomplishment is pleasing in and of itself.<br /><br />Unless men approach a relationship with a woman by focusing on what they have to offer her, rather than what they want to get, they will not be able to please a woman, and the only way it seems they can enter this state of mind is to <u>actively</u> deny their wants in order to help meet her needs, and her wants.Blanche Blackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16961534699759604152noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6803152773256258392.post-57631338471745817992008-02-17T15:53:00.013-05:002008-02-22T22:01:01.248-05:00The Power of DemonstrationWhen it comes to female-male relationships, achieving fairness can be a tricky thing. How does one reconstruct a sense of entitlement for themselves that sturdies them against the tendency towards over-entitlement in the behavior of their lover? How does she balance the vulnerability of sex with the independence of will needed for her to lead and set the standards for her man’s behavior? Is male favoritism something that all men can be conditioned out of, or must there be a predisposition towards female favoritism in a man for him to have such potential? To what degree is male competitiveness towards women a hormonal problem from the over-ingestion of modern-day meat and dairy products? For me, I often wonder what makes the strategies I use to alter male behavior so effective, and if they are consistent with the principles of honesty, fairness and justice that inspire me in other areas of my life. For that reason, I have found myself drawn to effective strategies for modifying male behavior in my presence that are effective specifically because they utilize emotional self-control and self-preservation to allow the natural consequences of a person's actions to teach them justice.<br /><br />Women are natural leaders in relationships, and when a woman realizes this it becomes apparent that she has the power to create justice in a relationship simply by controlling the pace of a man's access to her and regulating her rewards for good behavior. Bad behavior can be dealt with in a number of ways involving deterrents that demonstrate social justice and inspire behavior modification, but this involves energy and an investment in a man. When dealing with bad behavior from a man, one has to ask themselves if they are planning on holding on to him for a while or not. If not, it is more energy efficient for a woman to simply move on. Some men are best taught by demonstration that a woman he wants can leave him and never look back if he takes his chance to honor her for granted. <br /><br /><i>Justice Happens When People Are Honest</i><br /><br />Justice for a man’s behavior towards women comes about when the woman he’s pursuing is honest about the feelings she is left with after spending time with him. When considering whether to put up with something or not, and how to spare a man’s feelings from reality, it is the most honest thing to assert one’s own feelings, needs and perspective, and in the end it is the best for his eventual enlightenment and happiness. Initially, though, it might lead to his crankiness.<br /><br />A woman always has the option of masking her instinctual response for the sake of keeping a man compliant, or invoking his compliance, with what she wants from him. However, when a woman agrees to endure a man’s insensitive, unsupportive and unsacrificing behavior towards her she is not demonstrating an instinctual response but a contrived one where his failure to please her is compensated for by her over-exertion at the expense of her emotional peace. <br /><br />This can be a way of manipulating the outcome of their encounter in the attempt to ensure the relationship works, or appears to work, even though she is not amused by this man’s behavior. It requires a person to bypass their emotional instincts and trespass their Goddess/God given comfort zone, which exists to protect them from injustice and thereby prevent others from being able to get away with acting unjustly towards them. So, responding to one’s instinctual sense of what is admirable or what is asinine ensures that a man is held accountable to the mechanism of universal justice that is built into our souls.<br /><br />If the situation calls for disappointment with him and orders to get lost, honesty requires that it be done despite the desire to make the relationship appear like she wishes it to be. No pandering is necessary, and no sugarcoating of the true emotional situation he has precipitated is going to help him. Simple communication about the matter allows him to see the social consequences of that behavior and how it can undermine all of his relationships. <br /><br /><i>Avoiding The Not-Yet-Humble Man</i><br /><br />Many disrespectful forms of behavior from men go undetected because of the excuses that these behaviors are common among others or are just meant as a joke. Such behaviors include not responding to what a woman says, interrupting a woman when she is speaking, touching a woman without permission, teasingly provoking or countering a woman or otherwise not causing her to laugh at his self-flattering joke, diminishing or playing games with the honor he owes her, denying that he owes women compensatory preference, and resisting concern for women's interests on the basis of preserving his own from them. Provoking and countering are the behaviors of a combative man who has a defiant disposition towards women, perhaps out of defensiveness over his failures towards them in the past. These signs indicate that a man is pretty much going to be useless to women for a long time under the best training conditions.<br /><br />If a man's reoccurring behavior indicates a deep attitude problem, one where his thinking process is self-absorbed, self-preoccupied or egotistical, and therefore blind to the emotional needs of a woman, it is likely that his capacity for awareness of others and non-manipulative self-sacrifice is considerably stunted. Without others consistently demonstrating his undesirability when he employs selfish behaviors, or the potential for his romantic life once he shows a change in attitude, he will not have any reason to raise his effort level. <br /><br />Trying to change the mind of this person or teach him a woman’s perspective is expended energy that is not worth the trouble, because he is not yet convinced of his vulnerability to women. Let life teach him this. The warning of an honest woman, a woman who appeals to him, and losing his access to her will bring him back to reality. The most efficient form of correction is for a woman to preserve her energy by stating her disapproval and leaving to let his own feelings teach him the rest. Leaving him by himself, or at least without her company and support, is non-combative because it is simply the acceptance of his anti-social behavior and her freedom from exposure to it.<br /><br />The benefits of access to a woman’s presence and her company are powerful motivators for men, and the withdrawal of these benefits in response to careless or disrespectful behavior is punishment enough for them to have a change of heart over time.<br /><br /><i>Designing Sustainable Relationship Structures Through Honesty</i><br /><br />In this way, fighting people and their wills is a waste of energy and is not necessary to demonstrate one’s importance or the importance of women. Nor is fighting with people necessary to achieve one’s standards for social behavior in a relationship.<br /><br />Once a woman gets in touch with her true feelings regarding what she likes and what she doesn’t like, what she desires, and what her standards for social behavior are for men in her presence, she has the ability to teach a humble man how to please her. <br /><br />It is also important for a woman to understand what role men play in fulfilling justice for women. Men are made to nurture women. It is built into their instincts. They are happy when their woman is happy, and when they see they have played an essential role in making her happy they are inspired to do more to please her. All they need is direction from her on how, specifically, to do so at that time. When a woman is willing to accept a man's sacrifices for her comfort and honor of her above himself, in public and in private, she is accepting the support she deserves and allowing a man to gain self-esteem through spiritual self-development. Women's insight and beauty nurture men's lives, and the symbiosis between women and men is for her sensual stimulation and spiritual influence on men to be repaid with honor and service to her needs and happiness by men. (For more on this concept, see the other articles under the "gender philosophy" category.) Once she perceives her importance to men's lives as a recipient of their nurturing, she will have clarity in perceiving how to preserve her resources around men and more confidence in asserting her emotional boundaries with them.<br /><br />A woman first creates a structure of behavior for herself by determining her own interpersonal boundaries, such as what she will or will not tolerate in other’s treatment of her, and what level of intimacy she is willing and able to give to a man in the context of a certain show of trustworthiness and reliability from him. She adheres to her own structure by setting her limits with men in public and not tolerating exposure to anyone’s disrespect. <br /><br />Once she is in a relationship, she provides or shares this structure with her chosen man by teaching him her boundaries. Only she can determine what tasks or achievements a man must accomplish for her in her presence in order to win different levels of her trust, and increased privileges to her attention, and these are based simply on her knowledge of her emotional responses and what enables her to enjoy herself and to trust a man.<br /><br />Decisiveness regarding her standards and consistency about enforcing them is essential to inspiring him to be devoted to pleasing her. The more decisive and consistent she is in demonstrating her expectations, and the more reliable in action, the more confident he is that he knows how to please her and the more motivated he will be to show himself successful at it. It works well when she keeps her standards high to begin with, yet attainable for him, so that both her esteem for him and his own self-esteem will grow from the process of pursuing her favor.<br /><br /><i>Discipline and Boundary Enforcement</i><br /><br />Preserving trust requires that a woman hold a man accountable for respecting her boundaries. Enforcing her boundaries in a relationship doesn’t require any fighting or emotional struggles. All it requires is for a woman to be decisive, to get her emotions under control in private, to relay the rules of intimacy and disciplinary measures to him in a straightforward way, and then follow them up with action when the situation arises. Just like a woman cannot argue with her instinctual emotions or her comfort zone, there is no argument to be had over the structure she has created based on these if he has chosen to accept her as she is. It is through demonstration of her own adherence to her boundaries that she enforces them with him, so there is no need for fighting to gain his support. He either follows her example or he leaves and gets his own place.<br /><br />When there is a breach in trust because of his failure to respect her in attitude or action, the trust can only be repaired by a restoration of her faith in him, and his own faith in himself, to do better. An effective way to do this is to create a way for him to demonstrate his reversal of attitude through temporarily sacrificing his own comfort or honor in his own eyes to contribute to her comfort or honor. This can take many forms and depends on the couple and the symbolic metaphors that have developed between them for expressing sacrifice and respect.<br /><br />Because it is the woman’s boundary that has been violated, it is she who initiates the confrontation with him to communicate the emotional effects of his behavior on her and what the consequences are for him with regard to his access to her. Likewise, she is the one to decide what temporary sacrifice he can make, what gesture he can give, to show his change of heart and devotion to honoring her.<br /><br />When a woman asserts her need to have her faith restored in her man before they continue to be intimate, and when she allows him to make sacrifices for her by creating tasks for him that will benefit her, she gives him a chance to really earn her trust back and to impress her again so that she harbors no resentment or distrust. The opportunity provides the man with a catharsis for his sense of guilt and unworthiness of her in the form of his personal sacrifice, and when he benefits her in the process his self-esteem and self-confidence in his worthiness of her love grows. This success makes him much more devoted to protecting her honor and welfare, which he has begun to personally nurture and invest all levels of himself in.<br /><br /><i>Conclusion</i><br /><br />A woman can believe in her importance and demonstrate it to others, whether they succeed at acknowledging it or not. Disrespectful men might think that losing her companionship won’t matter, but their feelings eventually demonstrate that it does matter, and that women are very important to their happiness. When a woman follows her own code of behavior for self-respect and respect for women, she inspires others by example, not argument, and avoids needlessly spending her energy on things like engaging emotionally with combative men. Perhaps one of the most convincing demonstrations of self-respect is the preservation of one’s own time and energy when dealing with men by using fewer words and more action.Blanche Blackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16961534699759604152noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6803152773256258392.post-39143212068082856792007-07-30T18:34:00.000-04:002007-07-30T22:04:33.570-04:00Being a Woman in Western SocietyThere are so many reasons why it is great to be a woman. For many years I was blind to the value of being female and feminine because of a presumption in our society that women are disadvantaged biologically compared to men and are therefore inherently predisposed to losing physical and social battles with men. Thus, the assumption by many a coarse person that women are losers, wimps, or “pussies” as the phrase goes.<br /><br />This perspective places way too much importance on the material world and appearances of power based on material measurements. An example of this presumption is the idea that “bigger is better”, when referring to the amount of space an individual takes up, or the size of a car, or the size of a house. Obviously, none of these examples support this theory as it is probably more evident now than ever that material conservation in car size and house size is better for all of us environmentally, not to mention the discovery of most people that the bigger their house is, the more cleaning they wind up having to do. Similarly, body mass has its disadvantages.<br /><br />Most importantly, biological evolution and human social evolution demonstrate that people and living things adapt to the limitations of their environment by finding other means and methods for achieving their original goals.<br /><br />This is the case with women, as being female requires women to rely on ways of protecting themselves and getting what they want other than physical confrontation. Women often have to develop psychological strengths and rely on the mental skills of secrecy, planning, and cunning, as well as keen observation of other people, to protect themselves from others’ injustices and bullying. They often use political maneuvers, using their perception of social dynamics and motivations of people, to win what they want despite the blocking of their social opportunities by male favoritism.<br /><br />Women are expert communicators with the ability to put their feelings into words, listen to others, and interpret nuances in what is being said. This is due to the fact that most women in this culture are encouraged from youth to channel their energies into communicating with others and other activities that seem physically non-aggressive. <br /><br />Also, because of the encouraged practice among women to take false responsibility for other people’s happiness and pacification, women develop powers of observation to perceive what others think and feel. With practice, they acquire methods of psychological manipulation to charm people with flattery of their ego to appease them or indirectly influence the wills of those who dominate their life to get what they want. <br /><br />These are formidable skills, giving women power that often overrides the physical aggression of dominating men and male favoritism in society’s judgments. Examples of this include the political cunning and success of Elizabeth I, Queen of England, considered one of the most, or <strong><em>the</em></strong> most, powerful and shrewd monarch in history; the amazing success and “luck” of Grace O’Malley, who I wrote about earlier in the month; the many women who successfully posed as men to join the American Civil War; and the successful career of Dr. James Barry, medical surgeon and soldier for the British army who rose to the rank of medical superintendent-general and wasn’t discovered to be a woman until his/her autopsy (Holland, 2001).<br /><br />Women’s social training also gives them the extra awareness of others that enables them to be considerate, empathetic, and nurturing. Practicing these abilities creates a sense of intimacy with others that makes personal sacrifices and altruism worthwhile.<br /><br />The regular practice of interpersonal skills also gives women additional confidence in their ability to identify and feel emotions without being overwhelmed by them. This often leads to a high degree of emotional and mental adaptability, making them adept at changing in and out of emotions without losing the ability to make practical decisions. For example, many women stay in unhappy marriages for a while for the practical reason of ensuring their children’s safety and material provision, as well as their own safety. Nevertheless, they can express and release their discontent and pain verbally and with physical expression to those who are trustworthy without compromising their decision.<br /><br />Women's emotional adaptability also enables them to move on from a relationship with a man who no longer contributes to their practical concerns for safety and happiness. They are able to quickly change loyalties, if necessary, and switch their emotional ties with people to ensure their physical and emotional safety and comfort. Despite their emotional swings, women are extremely practical in their allegiances. This fact indicates that their emotional changes are not a sign of weakness but of confidence in handling emotions, and also that women’s emotional expressiveness serves the practical purpose of giving them the mental flexibility and resilience to deal with changes in their life situation. A minor example of this would be how women can easily switch their perception of a male “friend” to seeing him as a potential lover, or how they can demote a “lover” to the status of a male “friend”. These changes in perspective on relationships seem to come a lot harder and take a lot more time for men.<br /><br />One of the benefits of being seen by others as “weak” and “vulnerable” compared to men is not having people be surprised when we cry. And crying releases tension, grief, and stress for women, most likely accounting for the fact that women have a longer lifespan than men. I have actually heard men lament their inability to cry, including a man who was mourning a family-member’s death and said he wanted and needed to cry but couldn’t get that emotional and psychological release because he had been so conditioned by others to not let himself cry or express emotion.<br /><br />In fact, the benefit in being part of a people group that has been regularly under-estimated and discriminated against is the opportunity to perceive the wrongness of the behaviors that hurt you early enough in life to prevent doing them yourself. Those wrongs are mistakes that other people made, and will one day regret, so that you don’t have to. Freedom from the guilt and embarrassment of having been unjust to others is a beautiful thing and lasts a lifetime. <br /><br />That is one of the reasons that I try to identify any hatred of women in myself, any predisposition towards over-scrutinizing and criticizing women, or attitude of over-crediting and making allowances for men, and deliberately change my way of thinking to reflect my convictions. Those convictions come from having been wounded, over and over again, by men’s critical attitude towards women, disregard for women’s feelings, lack of appreciation for women’s sacrifices and achievements, and double-standard judgment in favor of men. If I hate those attitudes and behaviors in other people because of how they short-changed me, then the gift in having been stung by them is to not be guilty of that foolishness myself. However, this requires me to heed what those experiences with men have taught me and to not be afraid to change myself.<br /><br />Physically, women are powerful to the same degree as men, or more so, through their inherent sensual beauty compared to men. Women’s sensual allure has a more pervasive influence on people than male physical aggression does, because it evokes men’s pleasure and instinctive allegiance towards the woman they encounter, simply by sight. It hypnotizes them, basically. It is a more subtle form of power than violence, and encourages social and political pacifism. The subtlety of women’s physical power makes it all the more powerful for lack of anticipation by others, and carries a lot less guilt than intimidation.<br /><br />So being a woman is an enviable social position that puts women in a position to be role models for men. The benefits of being female in our society are all around us, and only need to be acknowledged to be appreciated. Being a woman in the context of Western society produces the power to evoke desire and allegiance from others, the opportunity to avoid the moral mistakes of others, the enhanced abilities to perceive people’s attitudes and vulnerabilities to protect oneself or help others, the self-defense skills of cunning and outsmarting bullies, relief from unnecessary emotional tensions on a regular basis, an extra long lifespan, the ability to adapt to new social situations and roles for maximizing practicality, and the ability to understand and relate to other people and feel a sense of emotional intimacy from that. These advantages and forms of power enable women to win what they really want and circumvent other people’s resistance to it.<br /><br /><strong>References:</strong><br />Barbara Holland,2001. <em>They Went Whistling: Women Wayfarers, Warrior, Runaways, and Renegades</em>Blanche Blackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16961534699759604152noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6803152773256258392.post-63892046500761947472007-06-26T23:55:00.000-04:002007-06-27T00:40:41.693-04:00Grace O'MalleyGrace O'Malley is the Irish pirate captain from the 16th century who, in her late teens, inherited a family fishing and trading business and ran it with her husband. She and her husband managed a fleet of ships, conducting trade with Scotland, Spain, and Portugal, at which time she became involved in political maneuverings and tribal intrigue among her Irish countrymen to help her clan gain control of large sections of land on the coast. At that time, ports in the English Channel were owned by the English, so her fleet of ships conducted pirate activity, offering merchant ships safe passage through their section of the Channel for a fee and threatening them with attack if they refused.<br /><br />When the English took away her husband's political position over the Irish territories, Grace and her husband took revenge by taking over the island castle of Caislean-an-Circa, owned by the Joyce clan. The Joyce clan retaliated, and Grace's husband was killed in the attack. Grace, however, drove the Joyce clan out of the settlement with her band of pirates, and it was at that point she took leadership over the fleet and it's 200 fighting men, still under the age of 20. She always fought with her crew and often led the men in battle.<br /><br />English forces were sent out to take the castle back from Grace and surrounded the settlement, holding it under siege, at which point Grace ran out of ammunition. However, she noticed the roof of the castle was made out of lead and ordered the roof stripped off and melted for ammunition, which enabled them to pound the English into retreat. Before the English forces could advance again, Grace sent scouts to set flares among the English forces to find them at night, at which point her fleet pursued them and continued to fire upon them until the English gave up.<br /><br />She established herself on Clare Island in Clew Bay and continued to prosper mightily in business. Grace took another lover, but when he too was killed by another clan, she swiftly took revenge on them by tracking them down and killing clan members, then taking over their castle, moving her own people in to take over. Unless she was provoked to take revenge for a loved ones' murder, most times she was subtle and diplomatic in her business and political dealings. She continued to take over castles to unite large areas of land so that all it's territories were owned by members of her clan.<br /><br />She often aided Irish rebellions against the English and her fleet continued in their pirating. English authorities were annoyed by this and attacked her occasionally, although she always outsmarted them in battle. The English governor of Connaught, Sir Richard Bingham, tried to wipe Grace out of the area by capturing her, tying her up, confiscating her property and cattle, and trying to steal her ships as well. She escaped and decided to write an appeal to Queen Elizabeth of England, claiming in her letter that her warfare was necessary to protect her people from her neighbors, who "constrained your highness’s fond subject to take arms and by force to maintain herself and her people by sea and land." In addition, she asked the Queen for political pardon for her sons and brother, who had been charged with rebellion activities and imprisoned by Bingham, and requested permission from the Queen to continue to roam the sea freely, offering to attack all the Queen's enemies she encountered there and bring them into submission.<br /><br />Bingham retaliated by writing to the Queen to accuse Grace of being a political traitor. At this, Grace decided to travel off the see the Queen in person.<br /><br />Grace was the only Irish rebel to risk such an encounter with the English Queen, and the meeting was a success. The Queen was impressed by Grace and ordered Bingham to release all her relatives from prison and to treat them well, saying "we require you to deal with her sons in our name to yield to her some maintenance for her living the rest of her old years,”. The Queen also allowed her to keep fighting on behalf of English interests at sea. Grace was sixty-three at this point.<br /><br />Bingham gave in, and Grace fought foreign ships for England while also continuing her piracy activities for income on the side. She continued to fight in battles until her late sixties. She died around 1603.<br /><br /><br /><strong>Source:</strong><br />Barbara Holland, 2001. <em>They Went Whistling: Women Wayfarers, Warriors, Runaways, and Renegades</em>Blanche Blackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16961534699759604152noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6803152773256258392.post-61240004434473647202007-06-26T23:21:00.000-04:002007-06-30T18:18:20.362-04:00The Power of Female Autonomy: The !KungThe !Kung people are a tribal society in the Kalahari Desert in Africa and are another example of a society where women are so self-sufficient in wilderness survival that their decisions carry the same weight as the men in tribal government. They do not rely on the men for assistance in their food production and so there is no hierarchy setting men above women, no need for men’s permission for their use of the land or their activities.<br /><br />The tribe lives off of vegetation which is gathered from the bush by women and meat from hunting expeditions by men. However, the vegetation provided by women makes up between 60-80% of the tribe’s food and is their staple food since it is the most reliable. It is the nature of the work that gives the women their social prestige, because the women are expert collectors and gatherers of wild edible plants, which is a highly difficult skill requiring years of knowledge, whereas the men do not have this training. Gathering requires knowledge of hundreds of plants at all stages of growth and the ability to discern the difference between poisonous ones that look similar to the edible ones, as well as the knowledge of which parts of the plants are edible in certain seasons and how to prepare and use these plants for medicinal and nutritional purposes. (See Tom Brown’s <em>Field Guide to Wilderness Survival</em>). So the women of the !Kung are self-sufficient in their ability to provide food and medicine for themselves, and they are relied upon by the men and the rest of the tribe for their only regular and reliable food supply.<br /><br />The !Kung consider meat highly desirable for their diet and a real luxury, but the men cannot provide it regularly, and they can’t provide it without the help of the women. Patricia Draper, a researcher who accompanied the <br />!Kung men on hunting expeditions, noted in her book the dependence of the men on the women to track the animals while out foraging, because of the women’s expert tracking skills, and to inform the men about how and where to hunt. (Draper 1975:82-83).<br /><br />In similarity to the Tchambuli, the !Kung have ceremonial positions of symbolic authority that are set aside for men, but these positions function as performance and have no functional role in tribal decisions and governing, which is seemingly democratic.<br /><br />So economic or survival self-sufficiency of the women in a social group creates a situation in the community where men hold no material threat to women, and the women have leverage over the men to insure they don’t threaten or provoke women physically because the men rely on the women for their own survival. This is a pattern that can be seen in many examples of Matriarchal societies, or societies where women hold the power of the men’s survival in their hands but then disseminate some of that power to the men of the tribe, in the form of ceremonial roles, in order to include them in the group for their own convenience or pleasure.<br /><br /><strong>Sources:</strong><br />Peggy Sanday, 1981. <em>Female Power and Male Dominance: on the origins of sexual inequality.</em><br />Draper, 1975<br />Tom Brown, 1986. <em>Field Guide to Wilderness Survival</em>Blanche Blackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16961534699759604152noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6803152773256258392.post-14164367894493131672007-06-11T11:07:00.000-04:002007-06-26T23:35:29.392-04:00The Power of Female Solidarity: the TchambuliMargaret Mead wrote about her anthropological studies of several tribes in New Guinea in “Sex & Temperament” in 1935. One of these tribes was the Tchambuli, whose gender roles were found to have evolved into something much different than those in western culture.<br /><br />In Tchambuli culture, the women are the managers of money and business in the home, are emotionally independent from men, and are sexually dominant. Tchambuli men are the ones who are wholly dependant on women and women’s choices, both financially and emotionally.<br /><br />The dynamics between the genders seem to evolve from a few cultural customs, and some environmental circumstances. Women’s skills create the products that are in demand and that dominate the economy of the tribe. Also, their social life is one of solidarity with each other, because of work relationships and marital arrangements, keeping women who are already lifetime friends together by having them marry into the same family. It is this pair of environmental and cultural circumstances that seem to make female relationships the center of tribal interest, altering every other aspect of their society from male-female relationships to men’s relationships with each other.<br /><br />The tribe relies on the fishing done by women for its food, rather than agricultural production, and fish are also traded at the market with other tribes for goods that are considered to be currency in the area. In addition, Tchambuli women weave mosquito-bags, which are always in high demand by other tribes because of the environment and bring in a lot of their form of currency. The women, who are the only ones who know how to weave these bags, send their husbands to trade these mosquito-bags and get the best price for them at the market, and the women keep and manage the ‘money’. Husbands rely on the women to receive money to spend for shopping, and spend a day at it, dressing up for the occasion and lingering over purchases.<br /><br />The women work together in groups of 12 or so all day, cooking together in the same house, weaving together, laughing and socializing, and their infants and small children accompany them. The women have a strong sense of solidarity among each other because of their economic independence and their constant company through work, and as a result they almost never quarrel and are preoccupied with work and with each other, rather than men.<br /><br />What further bonds the women to each other is that young men are only allowed to marry women related to their mother, usually cousins, which means that as each boy of a household gets married, the women coming into the household to work with the boys' mother are usually from the same family- that of the boys' uncle or aunt – and so are either sisters or cousins to each other. Also, the boys’ mother is an aunt to the new wives. So, the women already know and care for each other and do their work in the same household.<br /><br />It is the woman who selects the man for marriage, among the men who show interest in her. Even though polygyny is allowed, and some men marry two wives, sometimes three, women who are second wives are sisters, half-sisters, or cousins with the other wife, and so already have a lifetime friendship between them. If a wife is unsatisfied sexually, she has affairs and can leave her original husband to marry someone else who pleases her. The women rush to find a husband for single women past puberty, or widowed women, because they expect her sex drive to compel her to start having affairs and creating havoc among the men. Their saying is ‘Has she not a vulva?’, and ‘Are women passive sexless creatures who can be expected to wait upon the dilly-dallying of formal considerations of bride-price?’.<br /><br />The women have shaved heads and are unadorned. The men, on the other hand, live to impress the women and win their favor through appearances and entertainment. Tchambuli men adorn themselves with curls in their hair, a highly ornamented fox-skin covering for their pubic area, shell-adorned belts, and/or feather head-dresses. They strive to get attention and affection from women with their looks and their ability to entertain, putting on theatrical performances to charm the women, playing the flute skillfully, and mastering arts like dancing, carving, painting, plaiting, and drumming.<br /><br />Once they reach puberty, men are expected to spend most of their time at the ‘men’s houses’ where they cook for themselves and socialize with other men. But the men treat each other with competition, jealousy, and constant quarreling and bickering among each other. The men are jealous of each other, afraid that younger or better-looking men will steal the attention or love of their wives from them, and so older and younger men bicker and compete for women’s attention, often trying to sabotage each other to make themselves look more appealing to the women. The environment among the men is without solidarity, lonely, and altogether emotionally insecure. Loyalties between the men are always changing over trumped up offenses, and the men are all critical of each other.<br /><br />So they sit on the periphery of the women’s houses as often as possible, seeking inclusion from the women who are preoccupied with their work and each other, because the women’s relationships are solid and reliable and they exude emotional confidence. The men get approval and affection only from them, and they strive to charm the women to win their affections.<br /><br />Even in their theatrical ceremonies, women dominate. The men wear decorated masks. Older men wear large male masks, and younger men wear large female masks, but the masks cover the men so the women don’t know who they are. The women start to dance with each other and mimic sexual activity with each other then they incorporate the men in female masks in their sexual play. They grind up against the female-masked men and each other in different positions, but leave the male-masked men out. They show the male-masked men respect, so as not to hurt their feelings. This festival is meant to be repeated for days, but usually is disrupted by men’s jealousies of the younger men and suspicions of affairs developing between their wives and the younger men.<br /><br />Ironically, this is a patrilineal society, where names and land are inherited from the men of the family, and technically men own the land. Also, the men are the ‘warriors’ and the ‘hunters’ of the tribe, in theory. However, because the tribe does not live off the produce of the land, but off of the fishing business of the women, it is the women who everyone relies on for food. Because all the products of daily life are purchased from the proceeds of the women’s industry and skill and the currency from it is distributed only by them, men rely on having wives, and the approval of the wives, to keep any property they have and to own anything else they have. And because the men do not seem interested in war, and hunting doesn’t provide food regularly enough for the tribe, the men’s ‘ceremonies’ of leadership in war and hunting are transformed into preoccupation with mastering the visual and performing arts.<br /><br />The titles of leadership in tribal ceremony is given to the men, and yet the men pine away after the affections of the women who usually kindly tolerate the presence of the men and barely acknowledge them, the women preferring each other’s company and showing interest in men mainly for sex and entertainment.<br /><br />Among the Tchambuli, the women are the center of female and male attention. Men are emotionally dependant on women because of the women’s emotional independence from them, due to their solidarity with each other. Men are financially dependant on them because of the women’s domination of the marketplace. And men strive to please and charm the women while women feel entitled to be pleased, staying within their own comfort zone and pleasing themselves and each other first.<br /><br /><strong>Source:</strong><br />Mead, 1935. <em>Sex & Temperament</em>Blanche Blackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16961534699759604152noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6803152773256258392.post-46480892812162154662007-05-14T20:11:00.000-04:002007-06-11T12:12:00.161-04:00Tough Love and the Popular Woman<span style="font-family:arial;">In my experience, I have found the majority of men in my life to appreciate the directness and “tough love” attitude I give them when they are not aware that they are whining, feeling sorry for themselves or looking for mothering from me. Some men can laugh at themselves once they see it, while others are embarrassed at first, then see the truth of it a little later and respect me more for being real with them and expecting more character from them than that.<br /><br />I guess I learned the value of that kind of “tough love” from a favorite teacher I had growing up who was a mentor for me. He was direct and blunt with his students, even when it bruised their ego, but it was apparent that it was for the sake of pushing us to expect more from ourselves and to put the self-discipline of our work before our self-consciousness. He never talked down to us like we were incapable of understanding him, and automatically expected us to get up after a failure and try again, without complaining. His challenges to our fears and attitudes toughened us up, made us more determined to win, and generated a form of self-esteem in our abilities that I have taken with me all my life.<br /><br />So I know the rewards of the “tough love” approach for myself and treat all my friends with that level of honesty and confidence when they are being weak in character towards themselves and others. We all have bad attitudes at times that push people away, and we all need each other to point out what we’re doing so that we can see it and overcome it.<br /><br />Men in Western society tend to not be held accountable by others for their anti-social behavior as much or as often as women are. As a result, men are somewhat more prone to moods of laziness, self-pity (expecting mothering from women for life’s inconveniences), pride (obstinacy and close-mindedness to sympathizing with and relating to others), and competition with women out of a drive for physical and social power trips. Men’s assets can be used to intimidate others physically, which gives them more opportunity to indulge in these attitudes, and then society does them no favors by not calling them on it. So, one of the most respectful and loving things a man’s friend can do is to point out when they are falling into these self-sabotaging reactions to others.<br /><br />However, men tend not to be as practiced at listening to the words of others as women are. Women have been encouraged to be active communicators and listeners from childhood, so of course practice has made them more prone to take others words or correction to heart without much difficulty. Most men have not been encouraged to practice communication and listening. Those men that <em>have</em> can be good listeners, but this is the rare exception in our culture, and most male social conditioning encourages them to slack at it. Therefore, men usually need re-conditioning to listen to women, as well as a firmer or more physical way of getting their attention and breaking them out of their ‘tunnel vision’ style of thinking. Physically or socially negative consequences, from losing company and lack of sex to a slap in the face, seem to work at calling men’s attention to the way they are effecting the feelings of the women around them and that their reactions to others have consequences on their social life in the long run.<br /><br />It is a sign of love and respect when a woman recognizes a man’s mistake in attitude and confidently and directly points out to them that it is their own responsibility to change it. Men appreciate it after the fact because it increases their confidence in their abilities, potential strength, and goodness, motivating them through challenge to strive for a higher degree of self-control.<br /><br />Being a friend and helper to men may take a different form than women need or benefit from for their own growth, such as a firmer tone or a physical consequence, mainly because of the cultural differences between the genders. However, men appreciate and respond well to this method of discipline from teachers, coaches, fathers, sergeants, and bosses. They also need the women in their life to show them enough care and respect to call them on their “bullshit” and clarify for them what women want from them instead. </span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">A man's ego may get bruised from being corrected by a female friend, and part of that may also be a fear that her disapproval indicates her abandonment of him. But when a man sees that she also acknowledges him when he is pleasing to her, that his behavior change can make him more desirable to her, he can see the correction as part of a larger system of respect, one where success is rewarded and falling short has negative consequences. It's the context of commitment, consistency in standards, and honesty about his successes as well as his failures that makes tough love meaningful and impressive to a man. He will admire and want the woman who exercises this kind of correction, and become increasingly willing to please her, because it becomes a noble cause for him to do so.<br /><br />Women raising their standards for men’s social attitudes and behavior will improve how women themselves are viewed and treated by men while also supporting men’s growth spiritually. The only thing that tends to inhibit people from telling the truth to men about their bad attitude and unappealing tendency to complain is the desire to win men’s attention through flattery of their ego. </span><span style="font-family:arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Actually, it is the confident woman who knows what she wants who wins the most attention from men in the end because she is the one whose words are taken seriously by men, who men want to work hard for to please, and who men can't easily forget. </span><span style="font-family:arial;">Women who break free from the temptation to patronize and coddle men will benefit themselves, their relationships, and the men they love. </span>Blanche Blackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16961534699759604152noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6803152773256258392.post-49466189126915100952007-05-12T01:54:00.002-04:002009-07-09T17:18:53.550-04:00Feminism 101: Teaching Men How to Respect Women<span style="font-family:arial;"><strong>My Story<br /></strong><br />I was raised in the typical female sub-culture that most women were raised in, which involved concerning myself with other people’s comfort and happiness over my own, empathizing with others, being gentle and kind and generous, and being able to enjoy other people’s happiness and pleasure vicariously. Of course, vicarious enjoyment was necessary to develop as a psychic skill, as there was a severe lack of my own enjoyment, since no males and almost no females contributed to my need for this kind of interpersonal affection and attention to my wants or needs as I continued to pour out concern and altruistic effort for others because I was expected to. This social conditioning was accomplished fairly easily by my family and the surrounding community, as ever since I was a child my concern for my own needs or iteration of my desires was consistently met by adults around me with a denial of my request and the correction that I was being “selfish”. I was told to ponder how other people in the room felt less important because I was not paying attention to them, that I should be grateful with what I was already given, and that my lack of a sense of obligation to worry about others made me “unkind”. This was an amazing sense of responsibility for me and quite a revelation to find out that, even as a six year old, my effect on everyone around me was so profound that denying them my services would ruin their sense of self worth and their will to go on. Needless to say, for years I lived my life nurturing others, some who needed it, but mostly catering to the whims and whining of those who were the most demanding of the group, who also all happened to be men.<br /><br />I felt conflicted about this for many years, usually taking my anger and frustration out on major cleaning projects or impossible dieting schemes, as well as depression and other types of self -abuse. But I didn’t know where all this rage and anger came from, and had gotten the clear message from my social conditioning that my anger for any reason was inappropriate and expressing it made me a “mean person”. But, alas, my subconscious intuition and perception won out and I came to the realization that my anger would come out one way or another regardless of what I wanted to feel or be, that the only thing I could control about it was whether it came out in a productive form or a reckless and destructive form, and that there was a reason for my anger: I had a lot to be angry about when it came to how the majority of men and women treated me. The majority of men throughout my life had disregarded or disrespected my emotional comfort, my physical safety, and my accurate intellectual and instinctual perceptions for helping myself as well as solving problems in academic and professional matters. The majority of women passively agreed with these men and encouraged me to just comply to keep peace between the sexes.<br /><br />The most important thing I realized about my anger was that it also came from how I had allowed myself to be treated and that I had more power over my social experiences and my life than I originally realized. I came to understand that I have the power to please myself, rather than waiting on others to provide what I want for me while I focus on pleasing them. Expecting others, especially men, to do the caretaking thing for me like I do for them is unrealistic, and I have no control over what they choose to do, or to change them. So I decided to learn how to get what I want and what I need on my own, and how to not waste my energy fighting people who don’t want to cooperate with that.<br /><br /><strong>The Process<br /></strong><br />First of all, I had to get over the culturally contrived shame over focusing my concern on what I want rather than what others want. Taking care of my needs and wants is not the same as being “selfish” because (1.) Being selfish is taking what I want at the expense of what another person already has, or not sharing what I can afford to share with others who are in need of it for their survival and safety, (in other words, people can take care of themselves just like I can take care of myself, unless circumstances are dire), (2.) When I take care of my needs first before others I preserve my life and functionality so that I can continue to help others in need and share my assets with friends and family and not neglect myself into catatonia, (it’s the old airline safety procedure of putting the oxygen mask over your own face so you don’t pass out before being able to put one on your child), and (3.) when I take care of getting what I want, to the best of my ability without being destructive to myself or others, I am a happier person with more generosity of spirit towards others around me, since I have been generous and loving towards myself. It has been proven to me time and time again that people can’t give what they haven’t received for themselves yet, and I am human in the same way.<br /><br />Next, I had to find out what I want and what pleases me. That was a journey, and it took deliberate focus on this mission from me and lots of journaling and talking with supportive others to get in touch with all the wants and needs that were forbidden to me by others for years. It was like having to get to know someone for the first time, because I had never let the part of me that stood for self care, self respect, and self esteem out of the proverbial “closet”, due to the unspoken and spoken threats from others that they would withdraw their emotional, social, and even material support from me if I did.<br /><br />While still exploring what I wanted for myself in lifestyle and life circumstances, I realized I had to acknowledge what I wanted for myself in social company. Many people in my past had either not responded to my requests for helping me get what I needed or wanted, and some had downright actively obstructed me from it. It occurred to me that I can afford to forgive people like that, because I also have the power to avoid the aggravation of fighting a person with a bad attitude and instead go around them to meet new people who will cooperate and support me, after stating my peace, of course. This prevented me from wasting precious energy that I could spend on accomplishing my goal for myself and focusing on people who made me feel good, and it prevented me from being defensively attacking and hurtful to others, so I felt innocent of contributing to their lack of love for me and they soon felt like an ass.<br /><br />I also had to realize that, just because I feel the old female obligation to fix other people’s unhappiness with me or the female false responsibility to save relationships, I am not obligated to leave myself in a situation where someone is yelling and abusive, or disrespecting my efforts at working with them. It is self-neglectful to subject myself to their temper-tantrum and lack of acceptance of the reality about me. So, I began to remove myself from people who came at me with what I call a “bad attitude”, and in this way I have become my own provider of justice: I do the just thing to myself by not leaving myself under the influence of destructive and unpleasant people, and they lose the benefits of my presence, personality and company. Anti-social behavior deserves the absence of social company. People hate being alone.<br /><br />Once I knew what I wanted, I learned how to get it. I have found that I do not need to manipulate others into giving me what I want- that’s codependent- and I do not need to twist people’s arm by withdrawing from them in silent scorn and sulking until they guess what’s on my mind. I simply find people who have something helpful to offer, especially advice and experience from their own success, and then I go out and do it myself. (Financial self-sufficiency has been very helpful to this process, but I began this process when I was not on my own yet and just supported myself financially to the degree that I could with the opportunities I had at that point.) And most importantly, when working with people in a relationship I now ask explicitly for what I want, after I get in touch with exactly what that is and decide that I am right about this being what I want. This gives others the opportunity to know what I want from them and to choose whether or not they are willing to give some or all of it. Someone giving some of what I want is also helpful and indicative of honesty and good-heartedness towards me. Then it becomes clear who my real friends are.<br /><br />Besides stating explicitly what I want or need when dealing with others, and moving on if they are unwilling to cooperate or help me in any way, I also find that I have to be able to tell people “No” in order to keep what I want and protect what I have: Saying “No” to people who ask for something I really need and can’t afford to give, saying “No” when someone asks for my resources and I know they will be irresponsible and exploitive with them, saying “No” when men assume that my body is public property and that they are entitled to put their hands on me without waiting for my permission or cue, saying “No” when I don’t know or trust someone and could be in danger, saying “No” to socializing with men who act arrogantly towards me in the public and say insulting or unpleasant things or complain about me…<br /><br /><strong>The Results<br /></strong><br />It takes a lot of practice, but only four years of concentrating on saying “No” in these situations and figuring out what I want has resulted in a completely new life, completely new social confidence, and a completely new reaction from other people. People in my family now know that they will look like a foolish hothead and become unpopular if they try to pick fights with me, and they like the benefits of my friendship more than my absence, so they are now kind and considerate to me and are concerned with not insulting or offending me. We have great relationships now. Women feel secure around me that I am not being fake with them and that I mean what I say, and they look up to me and start to flock around me in social gatherings. Dirty old men who put a hand on me have it blocked or promptly removed by me with the correction that they don’t need to touch me to communicate verbally. They get offended and start to sulk like they’ve just been victimized by me not letting them handle my body, and that’s fine by me because I want them to get and stay away from me. Men of my own age (in their 30’s) and men younger than me are taken by surprise when I correct them after they call me a “girl” and I politely say “I’m a woman”, or when I point out to them that they are complaining about me not doing something for them and that they should be grateful I’m even there, or when I simply get up and walk away in disgust from men who talk about women as sexual conquests and cheap entertainment. Some stop the behavior and correct themselves in reaction to me pointing out their error in how to treat me and speak about women in general. Some just never get it, and that’s fine with me because I don’t want them around anyway. But they all hear me loud and clear, that women like me, who take care of themselves and are attractive for it, aren’t going to be around for them to flirt with and women like me aren’t going to give them any of the attention they crave when they don’t get humble and considerate in the presence of a woman.<br /><br /><strong>The Philosophy<br /></strong><br />I treat men like adults, even when they act like children, and don’t care-take or insult them by compromising what I expect from them. If I’m capable of showing respect for others bodies and feelings, and considering them, and being nurturing and protective of women and their dignity, then adult and young adult men are capable of no less. But why, then, don’t they naturally do these things? Because society has not conditioned them to, and has even conditioned them to avoid doing this. It is not men, but women who are conditioned by society to develop these useful and socially beneficial interpersonal and social skills. Men in Western culture have been patronized from childhood to adulthood by their caretakers and by society with the notion that people should not expect any social discipline, character strength, nobleness or altruism from them towards women, as if they are morally inferior.<br /><br />I don’t believe that men are morally inferior at all. They are capable of much more honorable behavior than their buddies hold them accountable for. But their potential is undeveloped.<br /><br />Unless I as a woman state the standards of behavior that I expect from them, which are the same standards of behavior and social kindnesses that I learned as a female, men will not know what will get a woman to pay attention to them.<br /><br />Men want women’s attention, and ideally their approval. This is embedded in their sex drive and obsession with getting women to want them as much as they want women. If they get their attention from women, whether they get it through positive attention or negative attention, or a mixture of both, they are happy and rest from all self-exertion. What this means is that women greatly influence men’s behavior with their choices about what male behavior they will reward a man for with their attention and flirting or their expression of disapproval. By making the rewards of my company obvious, with being sexually appealing and fun, and by letting a man know what will keep my attention and what behaviors I will ignore him for, I demonstrate that he is subject to social consequences for his behavior. It is a way of saying that the universal law of cause and effect applies to him, rewarding respectful social behavior with the privilege of a woman’s presence and natural feminine appeal and punishing inconsiderate or insulting behavior with the loss of this privilege. All a woman has to do is be decisive and consistent about what treatment she will tolerate from men and what treatment she will not subject herself to. Then she can deal with him as she would deal with any uncooperative person by removing herself, going around him, and moving on to the next man. There is always a next man. If you know this, men will realize this.<br /><br />I do not stay around and fight to let a man provoke or upset me. Trying to change him by fighting only gives him the negative attention he craves and reinforces his pride and laziness. Why does he have to work for your attention when you bring it to him? He will only work for something when you give him some space and a chance to move out of his comfort zone to come over to yours. This is not to say you don’t comfort him back. But if he gets that comfort from you after having to please and impress you first, then he will begin to learn how to be considerate, empathetic, gentle, respectful, and nurturing-all the skills he missed out on. Men are motivated by other people’s high standards that they also feel are within their reach to do, and by discipline- the structured and consistent discipline they get from athletic coaches and military training. Men who don’t have altruistic social skills towards the opposite gender will only get this training from the women who have already learned those skills and know the social rewards of them, like vicarious pleasure in the life and happiness and well-being of another. Unless a nurturing and self-disciplined woman extends this discipline to a man, in a way that is very focused and makes sense to men based on what helps them focus on a goal, it is very rare that a man who has been conditioned to be self-centered will ever be led outside of himself enough to realize his potential for nurturing others lives and attaining the self-esteem that can only come from altruism.<br /><br />Many couples work out different styles of communication to attain this male-female dynamic in the relationship. This includes decisions on their own definition of the term “discipline”. Discipline can take the form of not enabling, establishing interpersonal boundaries, and “detaching with love” or “tough love” strategies that self-help programs teach; it can also include a woman setting down rules and setting up recreational consequences for breaking them, like those practiced in alternative sexual lifestyles like fem-dom.<br /><br /><strong>Why Men Want to Respect and Honor Women</strong><br /><br />Yes, there <strong><em>are</em></strong> actually many couples where the man <strong><em>wants</em></strong> to get humble and honor his woman above himself, to act in serviceable ways towards her and make her feel like a queen. Usually these men are not masochistic, but at some point have actually tasted the rewards of becoming more self-less and focusing on the needs of others, specifically inspired by the wisdom of women in their lives. They either experience this sense of altruistic masculine identity from an unusual situation that puts them in a self-sacrificial role with a stranger or friend, or through a series of encounters with playing a self-sacrificing role in the pursuit of an assertive or self-confident woman, if not through their own family experiences. These men especially focus on pleasing their woman, and honoring women in general, because they perceive nobility and honor in being the kind of man that acknowledges women’s importance. They perceive honor in being the kind of man that has the character and wisdom to respect the lives and the will of women for their immense social and personal value to them, rather than only respecting people for being more physically threatening than them and because they have to for their own safety. They perceive honor in attaining mastery over their selfish urges and their physical strength and size, demonstrating the precision of gentleness and the social usefulness of being serviceable to others, especially others who they admire for these abilities (women).<br /><br /><strong>Men’s Service of Women is not Sexist- It is Symbiosis<br /></strong><br />Men’s self-sacrifice and self-discipline for attending to what pleases and interests a woman is not sexist. </span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Firstly, women practice self-sacrificial behaviors all the time with people out of habit, and so it is men who have the proving to do when it comes to serving women. We all know women can serve men, but we have yet to see if men will serve women to the same degree that women can, and so this role-reversal is actually beneficial to men’s and women’s ability to conceive of gender equality. Holding a man accountable to serve the woman in a relationship is necessary for the sake of <strong><em>demonstrating to society that men can make up for a lot of lost time</em></strong> in honoring women back, and that <strong><em>women can be equal to men in the ability to receive</em></strong> and feel entitled to enjoy themselves without giving back. In this way, male habitual self-sacrificial giving in acknowledgement of women's entitlement to well-being and pleasure <em><strong>counters the false impressions</strong></em> we get from misleading examples of gender behavior in human history. People can be equal in social value and assets without having identical assets or the same role in their relationship. This is demonstrated in symbiotic relationships in society and in the ecosystem: seller and buyer, oxygen-generating trees and carbon-dioxide-generating mammals, etc. Physiological differences in men and women aren’t limited to the body but are now known to include brain construction and patterns of activity in mental focus. Acknowledging people’s differences physically or culturally does not cause racism, sexism, and bigotry; only blame and accusation of others accomplishes that, so there is no need to keep denying gender differences as if it will be the precursor to discrimination.<br /><br />Secondly, men's efforts at serving women's interests is a means of <strong><em>sharing the benefits</em></strong> <strong><em>of their masculine-derived assets</em></strong> with the rest of us, and so it is an act of social unification, as it <strong><em>equalizes each other's welfare</em></strong>. It is a matter of men having an asset and sharing it with a friend who doesn’t have as much of it. Women have other assets, like holistically-inclined decision-making and long-term thinking, as well as strong diplomacy skills, that they can benefit men with; thus women have a lot of insight to share with men, which can only be received when men are giving women their full attention. Therefore, when women teach their men how to focus on women’s needs and interests it is a way of getting them to listen to women and benefit from their assets. In this way the welfare of both sexes is equalized.<br /><br />Thirdly, giving men a chance to demonstrate their virtues through service that honors women's interests is simply expecting them to do the same thing that women are expected to do, and so when women receive their acts of kindness it is an <em><strong>acknowledgment of their moral equality</strong></em> with women. A man opening a door for a woman or doing any 'favor' for her is demonstrating his ability to be as considerate and useful to others as anyone else. But the fact that he is doing this specifically for women also makes his gesture a way for him to show off his extra physiological energy and strength to be admired for an asset that he feels makes him special. And his asset of extra energy and strength <em>does</em> make him special to society and to women, not because we don't have any of it, but because men have more of it and can be <em>extra</em> beneficial to us in that way. They are special for those 'masculine' traits, and it is socially productive to acknowledge this, as <strong><em>it encourages them to invest in other people's comfort and happiness by beginning with pleasing the women around them</em></strong>, motivated by their sexual desire for female attention. They discover the joys of social altruism from the more exciting use of altruism to serve women. <u>Proof of equality with men in potential or ability is not accomplished by not-needing anything from anyone. It comes from knowing you can find other people to get it from.</u> If a man has the opportunity to be useful to a woman and succeeds at doing so, then he earns her trust and gives her a reason to interact with him again in the future instead of moving on to find someone else to be supportive of her interests. If a man opening a door for me is convenient or effort-saving for me, then it's something I find useful for my own interests, regardless of who it is coming from, and so I accept it and acknowledge that the man has benefited me. </span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span><span style="font-family:arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Encouraging men in self-mastery and protecting the honor of other people is essential in presenting them with an alternative to using their masculine assets for 'mastering' others and protecting their own honor at other's expense. The statistics are that 95-98% of all the violent crime committed by guns in the world today is committed by young men, as well as 80-90% of homicides, (<a href="http://209.85.165.104/search?q=cache:5FUdVqVO6jAJ:www.womenwarpeace.org/issues/smallarms/docs/kimmelspeech.pdf+kimmel+%22violent+crime%22+men&hl=en&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;ct=clnk&cd=2&gl=us">Kimmel, M.</a> 2005, see 1; <a href="http://www.unece.org/stats/gender/genpols/keyinds/crime/perps.htm">UNECE, 2006</a>, see 2.). A similar proportion of all rapes, which are a form of violent crime, are also committed by men. This is indicative of a social problem. It indicates that men in our modern societies have trouble controlling their emotions, as well as their selfish impulses. Notice the percentage of women committing these crimes is rather low. The genders are apparently <em><strong>not</strong></em> equal -<em><strong>in their attitude and practice of social responsibility,</strong></em> even if they may be equal in potential for developing this attitude and discipline. If women have the social conditioning and perception for nurturing and protecting others, and men are behind in developing these because society neglects to challenge them to reach their full potential as givers and protectors, then equality is facilitated by women directing men on how to develop these virtues for lack of this direction in masculine social honor from any other facet of society. (Note: Now, with the <a href="http://www.offourbacks.org/MenLinks.htm">Pro-Feminist Movement </a>which is rising among the male population, there are men who are leading other men in developing these new attitudes and skills- <a href="http://www.jacksonkatz.com/">Jackson Katz</a>, <a href="http://www.eurowrc.org/06.contributions/1.contrib_en/41.contrib.en.htm">Michael Kimmel</a>, and many others. Although, if you read their work you will notice that they attribute their knowledge to female mentors (<a href="http://www.jacksonkatz.com/">Katz, J., 2006</a>, see 3). </span><span style="font-family:arial;"><br /><br />If men were conditioned more by social rewards to do away with, or be discouraged from, antagonistic and belittling attitudes towards women in word and action, then they would not be as prone to act out on those attitudes in the form of violence and emotional cruelty towards women. And women provide men's most coveted social rewards, so they are in a position to deter men from indulging in these ego-gratifying and emotionally isolating behaviors, to assist them in not succumbing to foolishness and instead discovering their true potential for altruism. Many women can be role models for men in many ways, according to their areas of personal or public success. If men were to mentor under them, they would benefit themselves and free themselves to identify with and relate to women more successfully.<br /><br />In addition I will echo Jackson Katz by saying that many men are blind to their social privileges and power, and discount their physical advantages, usually feeling sorry for themselves that they don’t have more of it. This is due to the fact that these privileges have always been there for them and they take them entirely for granted, expecting society to treat them as more important than women and deserving of power by default. People are blind to what they have unless they live without it for a while. In the context of a loving relationship, it is safe for a man to temporarily surrender his privileges and perceived “rights” by taking direction from a woman, who has a lot to teach him anyway, and submitting his physical strengths to benefiting her for a change. It makes men aware and grateful for the invisible forms of power and social privilege they have so that they can consider sharing what they have with others. Men’s unjust social advantages can be neutralized somewhat as they become more grateful for them and convicted that they are hoarding them, which inspires men to become more generous in attitude towards others rights to the same social opportunities. Taking on nurturing and serviceable roles towards a woman in relationships also gives men the ability to identify with women more and respect the strength and self control that it takes to be a nurturer and a peaceful and generous person. These are roles that society has taught men to look down on as being socially weak or cowardly. By men relating their masculinity to these roles this conditioning is reversed.<br /><br /><strong>Summary</strong><br /><br />So, the point of my story and this explanation of newly evolving gender dynamics is that if a woman doesn’t like the way men treat her on the street, the way men treat her at home, and the way men treat her in the media, then she has the right to change the way she interacts with men and to start rejecting them when they don’t make themselves useful. If having a man around produces a lesser quality of life for you than you would have if you lived on your own, going out with friends, flirting with new male acquaintances, controlling your own time, and being only responsible for yourself and your own interests, than why have him around?<br /></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">A woman has the right to find a man who submits his selfishness to concern for her first before himself. (When you’re looking for something, it eventually comes looking for you). She has the right to find what makes her happy and not give it up for anyone. She has the right to stick up for her womanhood by sticking up for her instinctive values, insights, and sensuality to others who don’t get why she is so important to society, and in so doing she will also be honoring women as a social group by not letting them be slandered.<br /><br />My experience has been that by finding emotional support through other women, community groups, and the development of my spiritual faith, I have developed emotional independence from men, which frees me to set an example for them on how to treat me and other women. I teach people how to treat me by treating myself that way first. I don’t tolerate unpleasant people or treatment, because I want to enjoy myself. I speak my mind and release my confident opinion knowing it has an impact on people who will remember what I say and think about it. I correct people who don’t know how to address me or that my perspective is not to be interrupted, countered, brushed off, or mocked, because it is mine and my life experience and success speak for themselves. And I don’t let anyone touch my body without waiting for and receiving my permission, on penalty of a big slap in the face as an embarrassment for the embarrassment and physical discomfort he caused me. And I avoid saying “I’m sorry” unless I actually damaged someone’s body or social life or belongings, which is very rare,- in other words, unless I really mean it. I do not say “I’m sorry” for existing, for winning, for acknowledging a man's failure to please me, or for other people's bad attitudes towards me. And, I no longer feel ashamed for being assertive, and liking it.<br /><br /><br />1. <a href="http://209.85.165.104/search?q=cache:5FUdVqVO6jAJ:www.womenwarpeace.org/issues/smallarms/docs/kimmelspeech.pdf+kimmel+%22violent+crime%22+men&hl=en&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;ct=clnk&cd=2&gl=us">Kimmel, M.</a> (2005). Accessed on 5/12/07 from: http://209.85.165.104/search?q=cache:5FUdVqVO6jAJ:www.womenwarpeace.org/issues/smallarms/docs/kimmelspeech.pdf+kimmel+%22violent+crime%22+men&hl=en&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;ct=clnk&cd=2&gl=us<br /><br />2. <a href="http://www.unece.org/stats/gender/genpols/keyinds/crime/perps.htm">UNECE</a>, (2006). Gender Issues: Crime and Violence. Accessed on 5/12/07 from:<br />http://www.unece.org/stats/gender/genpols/keyinds/crime/perps.htm<br /><br />3. <a href="http://www.jacksonkatz.com/">Katz, J</a>. (2006).The Macho Paradox: why some men hurt women and how all men can help.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"><br /><br />For a clearer vision of the type of masculinity that is female honoring and sacrificial in service towards women without being a masochist, see the story of Rafael Perez in Diane Whiteside's erotic novel <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Bond-Blood-Diane-Whiteside/dp/0425217973">"Bond of Blood".</a></span> <span style="font-family:Arial;"><br /></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"><br /><br />More on <a href="http://www.eurowrc.org/06.contributions/1.contrib_en/41.contrib.en.htm">Michael Kimmel</a></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;">More on <a href="http://www.feminist.com/resources/links/links_men.html">Pro-feminist Men's Groups</a></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;">Also see the <a href="http://www.nomas.org/">NOMAS website</a>, (Nat.Org. For Men Against Sexism, Racism, and Homophobia), and <a href="http://www.xyonline.net/">XYonline.net</a></span><br /><br /><p></p>Blanche Blackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16961534699759604152noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6803152773256258392.post-88362613242443895322007-05-02T06:02:00.000-04:002007-06-11T12:11:29.747-04:00Men Serve Women who Lead, and Benefit from it<span style="font-family:arial;">Men, by instinct, follow women. The incredible sexuality of men and drive to pursue sex is a mental fascination with the feminine aspect of a woman, and a drive to please her in order to gain her attention and approval, to be able to influence and please her the same way she naturally, without trying, influences and pleases them. This is the phenomenon that makes the world go around, that drives men to pursue women, and that motivates women to pick the most pleasing men for their lovers out of those following them around.<br /><br />Men and women are equal in intelligence and in ability, but their emotional and psychological needs and strengths are quite different.<br /><br />Men seem to need ego deflation and structured guidance through discipline to be happy and at peace with themselves.<br /></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">The most satisfied and contented men I have ever met are the ones who have put their abilities to work in service to others in the community, and in particular in service to a woman or women in general. They seem to equate the altruism of this serviceability with ‘selflessness’, although they still take care of themselves; but the difference is they consider what other people think and want more than they would when not in ‘service’ mode, and they consider others to be either as important or more important than themselves. Their discipline of ego by thinking of others first benefits themselves in many ways, one being increasing their discipline regarding care for their own health and grooming. Their feeling of usefulness increases and their self-esteem seems to increase as they see themselves as beneficial to others.<br /><br />Men I have known, as well as those I have read about, claim they thrive on discipline and structure, needing firm or stern direction from someone to deflate their ego and train them to develop a sense of respect for others. Men often seem to gain a sense of group identity or belonging from structure and discipline that women would perceive as harsh and unaffectionate, such as athletic coaching or military submission training.<br /><br />Women are the best at teaching men the benefits and wisdom of respect for others, empathy, and the quality of life gained from taking vicarious pleasure in other people’s benefit even while suffering from self-sacrifice. Women achieve these things naturally, as they have experienced the benefits of these from the psychological transformation of giving birth to children and the drive to protect them at all costs, or they have been socially conditioned to practice these social behaviors with others by women who <em>have</em> experienced motherhood.<br /><br />But it is only when women are not afraid to acknowledge and embrace their social influence over men and the intimidating responsibility of giving direction and structure to another human being that women can apply their abilities to helping men gain this epiphany while teaching men how to please them.<br /><br />Men want to please women. Most times men say they are happy if the woman is happy, and they aren’t happy if she is not. Their happiness revolves around her approval. The best way for men to learn how to please women is for women to tell them specifically how, and discipline them with forewarned consequences in a structured and consistent way when they fall short of specific goals set for them. This gives men the direction and practice in attaining for themselves the inner experiences of group identity and altruism that their nobler selves are looking for, and enables them to make themselves more useful, and valuable, to the women they love.<br /><br />Men benefit from the discipline and structure of serving another person’s needs and wants before their own, by their own admission. Yes, there are the men in denial of this, but they don’t look or sound too happy as they shoot their mouths off, going to great lengths to insult women and trying repeatedly to provoke them. Methinks they doth protest too much. They resist the work of the self discipline that serving women’s interests requires, even though it’s what their sex drive drives them to do, but they still want/lust for the attention from women, so they resort to trying to provoke negative attention from them. It’s the lazy person’s way out. The results are short-term and inefficient with their energies, as pleasing one woman would keep her around them and attentive to them from an accumulative effect, while pissing off a bunch of women necessitates a repeat of the offensive actions to continue to generate negative attention. Again, the problem of shortsighted, instant-gratification thinking.</span>Blanche Blackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16961534699759604152noreply@blogger.com22tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6803152773256258392.post-18817481097414431892007-05-02T05:50:00.000-04:002007-06-11T12:10:49.971-04:00The Instincts of Women are Socially Advanced<span style="font-family:arial;">"Women are natural visionaries of 'the big picture', long term goals, and spiritual principles of wisdom and quality of life, -even of successful mystical union with God; so they are productive leaders, and men instinctively follow them.”<br /></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">I say this because the age-old complaints about the differences between men and women involve men being competitive and ego-driven, and women being forgiving, self-sacrificial, and more committed to relationships. Usually, this is attributed to women having their maternal instincts going awry, becoming foolish codependent caretakers and doormats for selfish dolts. It seems, however, that when women apply their traditional sense of social values for cooperation, appeasement, compromise, cooperation, helpfulness, tolerance, generosity, and peace to relationships with people of similar values, such as other women socialized to behave in this way, they don't have problems with being victims of verbal abuse, physical violence, or emotional disrespect. Maybe these traditional ways of 'feminine' socialization are actually wise and based on the wisdom of long-term benefits, like having friends, rather than the shortsighted immediate gratification that seems to drive selfish and violent behaviors. </span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Actually, there are whole societies, usually tribal, that have based their entire cultures on these "feminine" social styles and values, creating some pretty cool social lifestyles and political results. Examples of societies running on what we think of as "feminine" social behavior include the <em>Arapesh</em> from New Guinea, studied by Margaret Mead (<em>Sex and Temperment</em>); the <em>Lovedu</em> in South Africa, studied by Ann Jones (<em>Looking for Lovedu</em>); the <em>Vanatinai</em> of New Guinea, studied by Maria Lepowsky (<em>Beyond the Second Sex</em>); and the <em>Minangkabau</em> from West Sumatra, Indonesia, studied by Peggy Sanday (<em>Women at the Center: Life in a Modern Matriarchy</em>). Except for Western imperialists driving these people out of their own land and trying to ruin their good thing, these societies seem to have hit upon Utopia.<br /></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">I also say this because research has shown that there are physiological differences between the female brain and the male brain due to hormones effecting physical development, the difference being that women's brains have more synapses between the lobes, enabling thought in multiple areas of the brain in a small amount of time, where men's brains have less synapses between the lobes and their brain activity remains concentrated in one area for a long amount of time,(Christine de Lacoste-Utamsing, 1982). This indicates an ability in women to consider the effects of their decisions on everyone and everything involved, considering the consequences in the long term on themselves and others. This has been confirmed by studies on the learning styles of female high-school students, where it was found that women relate to information when it is presented in the context of the big picture, when it is shown to be useful in human relationships and beneficial to society, and when it is taught in a calm and cooperative classroom environment, in stark contrast to male students' learning styles, (National Coalition of Girls' Schools, 1993), (Pierce, 1998), (Zohar, 2005).</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">So, it seems to be a tendency towards social and spiritual values and long-term insight that sets female culture apart from male culture, a difference which might be partially innate but greatly enhanced by lopsided social conditioning of these behaviors in girls.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;">For more information on female-style thinking, see <a href="http://www.scribd.com/doc/92167/Girls-Education-in-Mathematics-and-Science">Girls' Education in Mathematics and Science</a></span>Blanche Blackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16961534699759604152noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6803152773256258392.post-10087203035994578372007-05-02T02:34:00.001-04:002008-06-09T22:22:35.796-04:00Attraction is More Powerful than Intimidation<span style="font-family:arial;">I believe the life-purpose of men is to be 'caretakers' of the creation, (ecosystems and its life forms), along with women, but that in the context of human relationships men are designed to <em>serve</em> women's needs and happiness, or their pleasure. Women are <em>not</em> designed to serve men's pleasure, but to be their <em>'helper'</em>, because women are natural visionaries of 'the big picture', long term goals, and spiritual principles of wisdom and quality of life, -even of successful mystical union with God; so they are productive leaders, and men instinctively follow them.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;">Women's sensual desirability is the physical power that women are equipped with to evoke men's submission of will to a woman, hopefully one who provides trustworthy and demonstrative spiritual and social leadership for them and the community.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;">Extra muscle mass is the physical power that men are equipped with for serving women's interests and needs physically, and accompanying them as caretakers of the earth. Men's brawn is usually used by this culture to intimidate others through fear, with threat of physical destruction, into submitting to their will. That is a physical power that can be used for good or for 'evil'.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;">Women's sensual and physical desirability demonstrates the <em>other </em>principle of spiritual power over others, which is the evocation of desire, and ironically overpowers the physical mass of the male physique by disarming their will to harm, and evoking from them the will to please, and nurture, and gain approval from the one who carries this physical force that impresses them so much.</span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;">Thus, attraction eventually overpowers intimidation, giving rise to the saying "make love not war".</span>Blanche Blackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16961534699759604152noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6803152773256258392.post-73235830969027822702007-05-02T01:22:00.000-04:002014-01-12T21:50:56.269-05:00Patriarchy Evolved from Lack of Birth Control<span style="font-family: arial;">In the last 40 years, women in many cultures have been successfully transferring their work efforts to the realm of business, where they get paid for their skills as opposed to bartering for a husband's income, in order to survive financially and protect their children.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: arial;">Not only in wealthy countries, but women in Africa, who do 80% of the farming for their households, and on average 60% for their country's national exports, are creating small businesses to supplement their income, (without any training in business, mind you), from the extra produce they have and a wide range of other skills, many making a living in trading and transferring goods to other businesswomen from urban areas. These women usually don't have income coming in from their husbands and have to survive through their own ingenuity. As a result, 60% of West Africa's businesses are businesses run by women.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: arial;">In India you have NGO's providing equipment and facilities to women, who then collaborate with other women in their village to film news and documentaries for broadcast. Networking with other women in the region through these broadcasts, and by posting political efforts on the web, enables them to change government policies and socio-economic situations for themselves through solidarity.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: arial;">In Bolivia, NGO's operate as women's centers to network women and teach classes on their legal rights, which they promptly put to use by changing the rules of the house for their domestic-abusing husbands, or simply by kicking them out.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: arial;">But the fact that many industries and institutions have evolved out of social networks of men and have been dominated by them is no surprise given women's physical vulnerability to pregnancy and the lack of birth control throughout history. The public arena of society has been dominated by men through much of history not because of their mental savvy, but because of all the free time on their hands from dodging the time-consuming work of raising their own children. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: arial;">Apparently, this left the entire job up for grabs, and the female parents of these children didn't have the heart to leave it undone. So many women chose to labor at supplying the needs of the children they birthed, even at the expense of neglecting social opportunities for gaining prestige and notoriety, when they could have invested themselves in the public arena along with men from 3500 B.C. onwards, establishing income for themselves through trade, creating fields of paid work where women were commonplace and welcome, and expanding upon them to build industries and institutions around women in power.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: arial;">It actually is to women's credit that a predominant number did not leave their children to fend for themselves to advance their careers, in the fashion of their male counterparts, and instead chose the altruistic option of applying their wits to farming for an extra person, or two, or twelve, (as the case usually is in a country without birth control, or man control), until such children are physically independent. This of course resulted in the absence of women and accumulation of men in schools and social positions, in turn resulting in an accumulation of wealth and social networks by men, reinforcing their economic independence and ability to fund institutions or governments to their interests and favor. The many women who did avoid pregnancy to achieve discoveries and great contributions to science, medicine, philosophy, exploration, literature, and political relations, (that's another blog), were frequently ignored by established fields, which neglected to mention where their new developments originated from, due to the human tendency to often ignore the existence and influence of the social outsider in the group. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: arial;">Evidence that this was the case in history, besides historical accounts of women's lives, is that this scenario is still going on in countries in Africa and rural areas of India where women have no access to birth control and are impregnated young, forcing them out of schools and job opportunities and resulting in them working often 18-20 hour days, farming to supply their children with food on top of all their other work and efforts to generate income through small business on the side. They have no time to rub elbows with administrators to change the fact that they aren't legally allowed to own the land they farm, (having to pay rent for it on top of all their other expenses), -the needs of these extra people in their lives keeps them too busy.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: arial;">Whereas, in countries with birth control, (which has become available to women only in the last 60 years -think about that for a minute), women have advanced their careers all over the place, a few even becoming multi-millionaires (Oprah and the like) and CEO's, etc., many becoming independently wealthy -this only in one generation of women's access to birth control.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: arial;">So, that is why women's solidarity and widespread economic advancement is only now occurring, and why women contributors to civilization have been written out of history books, and why women should not internalize any of their past or present exclusion from business or politics as any shame of their own. Rather, it is indicative of their moral conscience and character in societies where birth control and abstinence are prevented from being options for them.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">For more on the dynamics behind women's poverty and their isolation from the work-force and government, and what birth control has to do with it, read the literature review </span><a href="http://www.scribd.com/doc/92460/Women-in-Developing-Countries"><span style="font-family: arial;">Women in Developing Countries</span></a><span style="font-family: arial;">.</span>Blanche Blackhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16961534699759604152noreply@blogger.com0