Tough Love and the Popular Woman

In my experience, I have found the majority of men in my life to appreciate the directness and “tough love” attitude I give them when they are not aware that they are whining, feeling sorry for themselves or looking for mothering from me. Some men can laugh at themselves once they see it, while others are embarrassed at first, then see the truth of it a little later and respect me more for being real with them and expecting more character from them than that.

I guess I learned the value of that kind of “tough love” from a favorite teacher I had growing up who was a mentor for me. He was direct and blunt with his students, even when it bruised their ego, but it was apparent that it was for the sake of pushing us to expect more from ourselves and to put the self-discipline of our work before our self-consciousness. He never talked down to us like we were incapable of understanding him, and automatically expected us to get up after a failure and try again, without complaining. His challenges to our fears and attitudes toughened us up, made us more determined to win, and generated a form of self-esteem in our abilities that I have taken with me all my life.

So I know the rewards of the “tough love” approach for myself and treat all my friends with that level of honesty and confidence when they are being weak in character towards themselves and others. We all have bad attitudes at times that push people away, and we all need each other to point out what we’re doing so that we can see it and overcome it.

Men in Western society tend to not be held accountable by others for their anti-social behavior as much or as often as women are. As a result, men are somewhat more prone to moods of laziness, self-pity (expecting mothering from women for life’s inconveniences), pride (obstinacy and close-mindedness to sympathizing with and relating to others), and competition with women out of a drive for physical and social power trips. Men’s assets can be used to intimidate others physically, which gives them more opportunity to indulge in these attitudes, and then society does them no favors by not calling them on it. So, one of the most respectful and loving things a man’s friend can do is to point out when they are falling into these self-sabotaging reactions to others.

However, men tend not to be as practiced at listening to the words of others as women are. Women have been encouraged to be active communicators and listeners from childhood, so of course practice has made them more prone to take others words or correction to heart without much difficulty. Most men have not been encouraged to practice communication and listening. Those men that have can be good listeners, but this is the rare exception in our culture, and most male social conditioning encourages them to slack at it. Therefore, men usually need re-conditioning to listen to women, as well as a firmer or more physical way of getting their attention and breaking them out of their ‘tunnel vision’ style of thinking. Physically or socially negative consequences, from losing company and lack of sex to a slap in the face, seem to work at calling men’s attention to the way they are effecting the feelings of the women around them and that their reactions to others have consequences on their social life in the long run.

It is a sign of love and respect when a woman recognizes a man’s mistake in attitude and confidently and directly points out to them that it is their own responsibility to change it. Men appreciate it after the fact because it increases their confidence in their abilities, potential strength, and goodness, motivating them through challenge to strive for a higher degree of self-control.

Being a friend and helper to men may take a different form than women need or benefit from for their own growth, such as a firmer tone or a physical consequence, mainly because of the cultural differences between the genders. However, men appreciate and respond well to this method of discipline from teachers, coaches, fathers, sergeants, and bosses. They also need the women in their life to show them enough care and respect to call them on their “bullshit” and clarify for them what women want from them instead.

A man's ego may get bruised from being corrected by a female friend, and part of that may also be a fear that her disapproval indicates her abandonment of him. But when a man sees that she also acknowledges him when he is pleasing to her, that his behavior change can make him more desirable to her, he can see the correction as part of a larger system of respect, one where success is rewarded and falling short has negative consequences. It's the context of commitment, consistency in standards, and honesty about his successes as well as his failures that makes tough love meaningful and impressive to a man. He will admire and want the woman who exercises this kind of correction, and become increasingly willing to please her, because it becomes a noble cause for him to do so.

Women raising their standards for men’s social attitudes and behavior will improve how women themselves are viewed and treated by men while also supporting men’s growth spiritually. The only thing that tends to inhibit people from telling the truth to men about their bad attitude and unappealing tendency to complain is the desire to win men’s attention through flattery of their ego.

Actually, it is the confident woman who knows what she wants who wins the most attention from men in the end because she is the one whose words are taken seriously by men, who men want to work hard for to please, and who men can't easily forget. Women who break free from the temptation to patronize and coddle men will benefit themselves, their relationships, and the men they love.