What prevents female-male intimacy in relationships is self-centeredness, which men are encouraged all their lives to feed. And male-centered porn is one of the most potent ways they feed it.
The vast majority of porn is male-centered and focused on male orgasm and self-flattery. This kind of porn nurtures their isolation from women in their perceptions and thinking on sex, and as it influences their attitudes in relationships it eventually leads to their social isolation from real women.
However, the habit of porn hurts and fools them in the end, because they continue thinking and acting in self-centered ways that keep them oblivious to what women like myself want, both in sex and in social etiquette. So they become unsuccessful at preserving real relationships with women, who aren’t as non-existent as the women featured on the screen.
Despite their self-flattery that women vicariously enjoy sex through men’s orgasms, a woman continues to want what she wants. Real Women continue to seek their own pleasure, that is to say, Women who get Real. And if men are unprepared to follow and relate to female pleasure then they remain unsuccessful at gaining and keeping female attention. It is their loss, unfortunately, as we women don’t get anything out of being with selfish men.
Male self-centered thinking and behavior can’t take away a woman’s wants or prevent her from getting them met elsewhere. It can only blind men from seeing how they can make themselves relevant to women.
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24 comments:
I happen to agree with you. What is needed is much more female dominant/male submissive-oriented sexual fiction that re-educates males to address primarily the needs of their partners. Orgasms that typically occur during or after reading sexually-charged works would help re-enforce the lesson of submission.
j
pleaserve@yahoo.com
Good Point. Which brings up the importance of images that portray women in a state of power, over themselves, their bodies, their environment, and/or their sexual encounter with a man. Such images recondition men's conception of women, and also women's conception of themselves and their own power. They are necessary therapeutically to counter our over-exposure to images of women that portray them otherwise.
At one point during my marriage in the 90's I would conjur images of Women in power when I was having sexual encounters with my wife. I can't remember exactly what these were, but I had to let my mind wander to them sometimes to really be "turned on".
I can see where mainstream porn will mind-numb us. Pretty soon we are only excited by a picture of any man's penis as long as a Woman is near it. And isn't that the ho-hum recipe for porn, anyway?
I'd much rather be stimulated by reading about or experiencing a loss of power and will to a Female or maybe learning how to be a kinky, submissive lover who prefers to GIVE.
Thanks,
- Jim
As long as it isn't the run of the mill "Femdom" stuff, I would agree that a more matriarchal type of romance/erotic fiction would be useful. No doubt the stuff out there did "something" for me, but that's only because there simply isn't anything BETTER on the market. I don't even enjoy Femdom porn anymore for numerous reasons. For one thing, the acting is horrible, the dialogs comical, the scenes are completely unrealistic, the female orgasms are faked and even the women's "dominance" is completely incredible. It's all created to facilitate male masturbation and nothing more; and, as part of my commitment to my wife, I don't do that anymore, so there's just no use watching the stuff.
More importantly, what it lacks is intimacy. Women like intimacy and men would too if they'd give it a try. I cannot imagine more than a few very sadistic women enjoying "dominating" a man they have no feelings for and who does not reciprocate those feelings. On the other hand, I've found that once my wife understood that my "submission" was to her; a gift of respect, trust, and adoration to her alone...well, she doesn't have to "act" anymore when she calls the shots.
I have to admit that the very idea that a man would fantasize about domineering women to get themselves off while having sex with their wives makes my skin crawl. I'm sorry. I don't mean to be judgmental or "preachy", but doesn't that strike you as a little wrong? I'm going to assume that the man loves his wife and just doesn't have the guts to tell her his true feelings...fearing she'll reject him...or he just fears the potential embarrassment. Be a MAN, dammit!
A personal request from a man to other men in this predicament: Let yourself go. Dump all that baggage patriarchy burdened you with about how men are not good at expressing their feelings, or they express them differently, blah, blah, blah. Specifically, make love to her like you'd die if she wouldn't let you touch her...work up the resolve to NOT have your own orgasm at all this time. Keep going until she's literally too exhausted to go on, then politely withdraw, lay down beside her, caress her, thank her for being her and being there with you, and when she asks you why you stopped (why you don't seem to want to "finish"), let it all spill out from your soul instead of your testicles.
Don't lie; don't make stuff up to spare your "ego;" don't put on an act (expressing your emotions in such a vulnerable state is NOT proof that you're gay. If you've never actually sought a sexual experience with a man, you're probably not gay and even if you did have some homosexual inclinations, big deal! Cope with it). Women are human lie detectors, so don't bother making up some plausible lie to hang on to your "dignity." In passionate love there is no "dignity," at least not for the man.
Tell her how you feel when you surrender your own, too easily attained, physical gratification to completely fulfill hers, how you've always felt this way but were afraid to bring it up because you were too cowardly to face possible rejection or embarrassment, but that you can't keep it in anymore. Tell her that you want to be everything she ever dreamed of in a man and will work yourself ragged to do it. Swear it, make an oath and then KEEP IT!
...Then write some great romantic/erotic fiction to inspire others to do the same. ;-)
I agree. Most porn depicts women as passive and submissive. Perhaps I'm an exception, but I'm a man that would prefer to see pictures of women in dominant positions of power.
Ms Christina,
I agree with your description of porn. That is my experience. It can become habital, isolating, selfish and completely counter-productive.
But is there non-male centred porn and how is it consumed ? Only with your female partner there ?
Sal's Hubby
Sal's Hubby,
Those are good questions. I have not yet found any truly female-indulgent porn, although a couple of sites claim to offer it and perhaps come close.
However, it's important to understand that female-centered porn would by nature depict images that are designed to elate a woman's ego and cater to her interests. Such porn is sure to disorient and possibly disappoint submissive men who still expect sex to be about what they receive from a woman.
The movie camera might focus the entire time on a muscular nude man on his knees looking up to one or several standing women, whose bodies would for the most part be outside of the camera shot. He might be showing his sexual desperation and physical vulnerability to one or all. The focus of the film might be his performance of sexual acts on a woman that never stray above her hips, rather than his reception of pain.
In other words, the porn would likely place the man in the center of the shot to be a visual spectacle for entertainment through his sensual appeal, and the activities would likely focus on what women are receiving rather than what men are receiving. Women viewing that porn would enjoy themselves by watching sexy and compliant men. Men who are truly submissive would enjoy watching it too out of vicarious pleasure, knowing that it indulges the women who watch it.
And, as for how a man already in a relationship should "consume" such porn, that would be entirely up to his female partner and how much ego-busting she wants to put him through.
Ms Christina,
Thanks for your thoughtful reply. I agree the word "consume" needs the "...".
I find your idea of female centred porn exciting and wonder whether such a thing exists. I wonder if Sal would be interested....I think she enjoys the idea of sexy and compliant men..
For me it is how much ego-busting I am ready for in practice....and not just here typing away and drifting into a fantasy world.... That remains a question for me... being subjected to the tough love and ego busting I know that I would benefit from...
Thanks again for your blog.
Sal's Hubby
Ms Christina,
Any other suggestions for ego busting activities if this type of porn may not truly exist yet ? Some ego busting is overdue here.
Take care.
Sal's Hubby
I find this alternative female-centered “porn” to be quite refreshing and invigorating. While I wouldn’t really be thrilled with naked men (whether it’s in male “porn” or female-centered “porn”) I do understand how it could excite my female partner and I could also learn to enjoy it - - rather than be disoriented. For myself, I do have many feminine qualities, I am basically female-centered, and I am a submissive male with women so I could appreciate this fully.
Lately I have read some XXX “porn” written by a female author and I found it quite stimulating. The images she portrays are vivid and the way she describes orgasms in the written word are fantastic! And it’s not cheap shit!
Finally, what might confuse me though is . . . traditionally the woman is excited by what the man does to her, while the man is excited by what he does to the woman…. How does this figure in? Is it different in a female-led relationship? We all have different sexual types – dominant / submissive, kinky / traditional, give / receive, confident / shy, etc. If we have a dominant woman and a submissive man can the woman be excited by giving the man commands on what to do to fulfill her desires? Can the man get turned-on and excited by following her orders?
Thanks,
- Jim
Sal's Hubby,
Simply read Elise Sutton's book Female Domination. It is chock full of ideas for a woman to use to bust a man's ego. Keep in mind, however, that she is the one you should be referring to for such direction. If you are trying to find these techniques yourself and then direct her to do it to you, then you are "topping from the bottom" as they say, and that would not be following her or catering to her sexual desires at all.
If a woman shows interest in these things, then by all means her man should provide her with these kinds of references, but he should do it out of response to her expressed interest and keep with her pace. True emotional and psychological submission to a woman, to the Feminine, is responsiveness to her needs and interests before one's own. That is how you can bust your ego, and it doesn't require purchasing any new gadgets either.
Submissive men are much more appealing to a dominant woman when they express their desires in the form of offers, and if that offer is not accepted to not bring it up again unless the woman does. If a man wants to encourage a woman to take control, to be dominant over him, then demonstrating mental submission to her ideas and her timing would be a start.
And if this response excites you, then perhaps you have potential after all.
-Ms. Christina
Obedient jim,
When you say, "traditionally the woman is excited by what the man does to her, while the man is excited by what he does to the woman", I am not sure what tradition you are referring to. However, in discussing porn and what exactly constitutes female-catering porn, what seems to make such porn so difficult to conceive of for many people is the assumption that traditional porn depicts normal, vanilla or mutually pleasing sex. It does not.
Traditional porn depicts men dominating women. The same body language and nature of activities that happen in Femdom videos are used in traditional porn but in reverse direction.
The principles of domination and submission remain the same, and female-catering porn might feature the same contrast between sex roles, with women in the physically intimidating and overseeing positions and men giving women pleasure at the expense of their own while expressing emotional and mental excitement over the relative sexual neglect and any subsequent facial humiliation.
However, this does not need to be the case to be female-catering, in my opinion. Female-catering is simply giving a woman direct pleasure, meaning sensual pleasure not a psychological association of physical pain with pleasure, and the pleasure of being shown superior social honor, to the degree that men's interests are not considered. It's female self-indulgent, as opposed to female self-sacrificing.
Porn that caters to women's interests to the degree that traditional porn does men would show images of men that excite them and flatter them, thus naked muscular men would be a popular theme.
It's important to remember that such porn is not about what you are interested in seeing; its about what female consumers are interested in seeing in a spirit of self-indulgence. Any man worth the label of "submissive" should be able to do at least as much as most women have done by joining their mates in watching images of their own gender and mustering up sexual excitement about mimicking them.
And I will remind you to watch your ******* language when writing to me.
-Ms. Christina
Ms Christina.
I love this sentence from your last response...
"Any man worth the label of "submissive" should be able to do at least as much as most women have done by joining their mates in watching images of their own gender and mustering up sexual excitement about mimicking them."
While I have much progress to make as a sub.... I think I could assist my mate in this regard as she explores what pleasures her.
Sal's Hubby
Ms. Christina,
I humbly and honestly apologize for what I wrote -- I couldn't figure it out at first but then noticed the four-letter word.
I truly do need Female Leadership in my life.
Thank you,
- Jim
Dear Ms Christina,
Please accept my apology. I sometimes lose track of what is important and necessary....and what is selfish of me. Sorry.
Sal's Hubby
Sal's Hubby,
I'd accept your apology, but I am not sure what you are apologizing for. Don't worry- if you offend me, I'll let you know.
-Ms. Christina
If you would provide me a link to some less male-centred porn I'd happily try having a wank to it if you think it would help.
Brian,
Maybe some of the male readers here might be able to suggest some source of female-oriented porn. The porn most men are used to seeing is about one partner dominating the other for their own pleasure at the other's expense- with men doing the dominating. That's why most femdom porn isn't quite the equivalent of this for women, because usually those videos feature women dominating men but not for their self-indulgence so much as for the man's physical vulnerability. Some of this may be a turn on (I myself am turned on by images of male vulnerability of certain kinds) but it still teaches men to get excited over negative attention from women instead of by actually serving and edifying a woman over himself.
The same is basically true for so-called "porn for women" on the Internet. Same sex acts and poses as mainstream porn, but less humiliation going on.
Two suggestions: See the blog, Yes, I'm a Submissive Man, which features some great female sexual domination pictures that keep the focus on the woman. You can even ask him where you can find more images along those lines.
Also, read the book "Getting Off, which is very helpful for breaking away from porn addiction, and Great Sex, which explains how a man can get more sexual pleasure out of female-led sexual experiences than from porn and provides techniques to make that transition.
Great insights from everyone. Dennis, don't worry about being preachy, I say preach on! Your comments were passionate and exemplified submission I think.
Ms. Christina, you continually bust my preconceptions. I always thought that I was "different" than sexist misogynist men. Discrimination of all kinds has always been my pet peeve: racism, sexism, homophobia and any other kind you can think of. I never would have thought that I was a sexist, but I'm realizing that I am!
Maybe not to the extent of a man who doesn't think twice about it but it's the presuppositions that are embedded in my thinking, installed through a lifetime of conditioning. I thought I didn't objectify women because I was never interested much in vanilla porn. Although I'm tired of it now but I'm embarrassed to say that I've consumed my fair share of femdom porn though - and actually PAID for it.
I never thought of how it is focused on the man. It was self gratifying. The woman is a performer and while she may be "dominating" him, ultimately it ends in his orgasm.
I can honestly say, and I just now realized it, that I never felt particularly submissive when watching that stuff. It became just fodder for fantasies. Your description of what female indulgent porn would be really pealed back another layer of the onion for me but I do think I would enjoy it.
I also never thought that I was a "do me" sub because I wouldn't present a woman with a laundry list of what to do to me - but the expectation was there, that at least some of it would get done - from the nonexistent list that I harbored in my subconscious and I probably wouldn't be satisfied until at least some of that was fulfilled.
In short, your insights are creating a paradigm shift, and I may for the first time, be becoming a truly submissive man.
Patrick,
Yes, you sum up the heterosexual male's predicament well. There are many men at this point in time who are in the process of re-working their masculine identity because they see how the old generic one sabotages their romantic and emotional goals.
You would likely appreciate and benefit from the book The Macho Paradox, by Jackson Katz. He is a major contributor to the Pro-Feminist Movement, a men's movement committed to rediscovering a masculinity that identifies with the interests of womanhood.
-Ms. Christina
Thank you for the recommendation Ms. Christina. I was looking up reviews of some of the books from your reading list yesterday and The Macho Paradox is one that I was considering buying. That will probably be a good place for me to start.
Sabotage is a good way to put it. Ironically, this macho way of thinking hurts men almost as much as it hurts women because it seeks to dominate and control everything, even to a man's own demise.
It seems as though the masculine energy, although it has great potential, needs to be tempered and channeled by the feminine in order to be the most constructive.
I think this is why a man can make the most of himself when in service to a woman of his choice.
-Patrick
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The woman who introduced me to a female led relationship was a PHD psychologist and invested some of her time to "manufacture" pornography to use on days that I did not see her. This would consist of audio cassette tapes, of her voice leading me through a fantasy that she wanted me to want. At the beginning cunnilingus was the main theme, along with obedience honesty, and discretion as these were of primary importance to her. She would also give me 3 or 4 photographs of her mounted on heavy cardboard, and during the tape, she would ring a bell that told me to go to the next photo. The first few were in color, and were standard 8 by 10 prints from Fotomat and would be a picture of her face, or her in a bathing suit, etc, and I do not know who took them. The last one was a color polaroid or later a black and white study of her(I took two photo classes in college but could only develop B&W. These last ones were explicit. After about twenty minutes (4 per photo) she would tell me to orgasm while thinking or wanting a particular thing. This is as many of you will recognize a form of operant condition, or behavior midification. In this way she was using pornography as a tool.
regards,
jim hope
This is an interesting reappropriation of the conditioning techniques already operative in pornography for the purposes of reconditioning male associations with sexual pleasure. It would be interesting to see this form of visual sexual stimulation used to reinforce attitudes of loyalty, emotional devotion, and veneration towards one woman in men, although it may require that the porn be custom made by his lover to do so. Of course, these valuable attitudes are reinforced by sex in its original form- a personal encounter with a woman in the context of an ongoing relationship, with no additional or alternative sexual stimuli other than one's lover.
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