Why should men favor the will of women over their own? Because basically most men are entitlement hogs. They were conditioned to be. They were conditioned to think women want them to be.
In female-male relationships men are working with women, a people group that doesn't have the same sense of entitlement to receive as men do because they haven't been encouraged to be the center of attention and support in group situations; and men are dealing with an ego that blinds them to the needs of others so that they tend to assert their wants over others' needs. Unless they change relationship dynamics to build up her confidence and minimize his ego, they will most likely grow farther apart.
How can a man and a woman trust their minds not to play tricks on them as they revert back to her denial and sacrifice of what she wants for his assertion of what he wants? -By a man making active sacrifices of his wants to nurture hers, and his self-importance to demonstrate hers, as an exercise or effort to remind himself of the humility he needs to get in touch with to be fair to her. It is an exercise, both for the man and the woman, to talk differently and act differently than the "norm", if you will, in order to practice this mentality, which is like a ritual that helps one internalize ideas to achieve a mental or character change.
In order to make a woman happy, a man needs to focus on responding to and supporting her will; and this cannot be done while the man is simultaneously focused on what he wants, because he will never focus on his benefit and her benefit equally. He will always favor his benefit unless he makes a conscious effort to favor her interest and benefit.
When a man pushes and pushes for his will in a relationship by giving lip service and then pushing the boundary she has already expressed by making suggestions and taking actions that counter her will, his sense of entitlement wears down a woman until she gives up being confident in her will for herself, or the relationship. She starts to doubt the importance of her will as she sees his confidence and energy competing with hers in all kinds of disagreements. This motivates a woman to leave a man.
And men are easier to please than women. So it is more of an accomplishment for a man to please a woman than it is for him to please himself, and this accomplishment is pleasing in and of itself.
Unless men approach a relationship with a woman by focusing on what they have to offer her, rather than what they want to get, they will not be able to please a woman, and the only way it seems they can enter this state of mind is to actively deny their wants in order to help meet her needs, and her wants.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Sunday, February 17, 2008
The Power of Demonstration
When it comes to female-male relationships, achieving fairness can be a tricky thing. How does one reconstruct a sense of entitlement for themselves that sturdies them against the tendency towards over-entitlement in the behavior of their lover? How does she balance the vulnerability of sex with the independence of will needed for her to lead and set the standards for her man’s behavior? Is male favoritism something that all men can be conditioned out of, or must there be a predisposition towards female favoritism in a man for him to have such potential? To what degree is male competitiveness towards women a hormonal problem from the over-ingestion of modern-day meat and dairy products? For me, I often wonder what makes the strategies I use to alter male behavior so effective, and if they are consistent with the principles of honesty, fairness and justice that inspire me in other areas of my life. For that reason, I have found myself drawn to effective strategies for modifying male behavior in my presence that are effective specifically because they utilize emotional self-control and self-preservation to allow the natural consequences of a person's actions to teach them justice.
Women are natural leaders in relationships, and when a woman realizes this it becomes apparent that she has the power to create justice in a relationship simply by controlling the pace of a man's access to her and regulating her rewards for good behavior. Bad behavior can be dealt with in a number of ways involving deterrents that demonstrate social justice and inspire behavior modification, but this involves energy and an investment in a man. When dealing with bad behavior from a man, one has to ask themselves if they are planning on holding on to him for a while or not. If not, it is more energy efficient for a woman to simply move on. Some men are best taught by demonstration that a woman he wants can leave him and never look back if he takes his chance to honor her for granted.
Justice Happens When People Are Honest
Justice for a man’s behavior towards women comes about when the woman he’s pursuing is honest about the feelings she is left with after spending time with him. When considering whether to put up with something or not, and how to spare a man’s feelings from reality, it is the most honest thing to assert one’s own feelings, needs and perspective, and in the end it is the best for his eventual enlightenment and happiness. Initially, though, it might lead to his crankiness.
A woman always has the option of masking her instinctual response for the sake of keeping a man compliant, or invoking his compliance, with what she wants from him. However, when a woman agrees to endure a man’s insensitive, unsupportive and unsacrificing behavior towards her she is not demonstrating an instinctual response but a contrived one where his failure to please her is compensated for by her over-exertion at the expense of her emotional peace.
This can be a way of manipulating the outcome of their encounter in the attempt to ensure the relationship works, or appears to work, even though she is not amused by this man’s behavior. It requires a person to bypass their emotional instincts and trespass their Goddess/God given comfort zone, which exists to protect them from injustice and thereby prevent others from being able to get away with acting unjustly towards them. So, responding to one’s instinctual sense of what is admirable or what is asinine ensures that a man is held accountable to the mechanism of universal justice that is built into our souls.
If the situation calls for disappointment with him and orders to get lost, honesty requires that it be done despite the desire to make the relationship appear like she wishes it to be. No pandering is necessary, and no sugarcoating of the true emotional situation he has precipitated is going to help him. Simple communication about the matter allows him to see the social consequences of that behavior and how it can undermine all of his relationships.
Avoiding The Not-Yet-Humble Man
Many disrespectful forms of behavior from men go undetected because of the excuses that these behaviors are common among others or are just meant as a joke. Such behaviors include not responding to what a woman says, interrupting a woman when she is speaking, touching a woman without permission, teasingly provoking or countering a woman or otherwise not causing her to laugh at his self-flattering joke, diminishing or playing games with the honor he owes her, denying that he owes women compensatory preference, and resisting concern for women's interests on the basis of preserving his own from them. Provoking and countering are the behaviors of a combative man who has a defiant disposition towards women, perhaps out of defensiveness over his failures towards them in the past. These signs indicate that a man is pretty much going to be useless to women for a long time under the best training conditions.
If a man's reoccurring behavior indicates a deep attitude problem, one where his thinking process is self-absorbed, self-preoccupied or egotistical, and therefore blind to the emotional needs of a woman, it is likely that his capacity for awareness of others and non-manipulative self-sacrifice is considerably stunted. Without others consistently demonstrating his undesirability when he employs selfish behaviors, or the potential for his romantic life once he shows a change in attitude, he will not have any reason to raise his effort level.
Trying to change the mind of this person or teach him a woman’s perspective is expended energy that is not worth the trouble, because he is not yet convinced of his vulnerability to women. Let life teach him this. The warning of an honest woman, a woman who appeals to him, and losing his access to her will bring him back to reality. The most efficient form of correction is for a woman to preserve her energy by stating her disapproval and leaving to let his own feelings teach him the rest. Leaving him by himself, or at least without her company and support, is non-combative because it is simply the acceptance of his anti-social behavior and her freedom from exposure to it.
The benefits of access to a woman’s presence and her company are powerful motivators for men, and the withdrawal of these benefits in response to careless or disrespectful behavior is punishment enough for them to have a change of heart over time.
Designing Sustainable Relationship Structures Through Honesty
In this way, fighting people and their wills is a waste of energy and is not necessary to demonstrate one’s importance or the importance of women. Nor is fighting with people necessary to achieve one’s standards for social behavior in a relationship.
Once a woman gets in touch with her true feelings regarding what she likes and what she doesn’t like, what she desires, and what her standards for social behavior are for men in her presence, she has the ability to teach a humble man how to please her.
It is also important for a woman to understand what role men play in fulfilling justice for women. Men are made to nurture women. It is built into their instincts. They are happy when their woman is happy, and when they see they have played an essential role in making her happy they are inspired to do more to please her. All they need is direction from her on how, specifically, to do so at that time. When a woman is willing to accept a man's sacrifices for her comfort and honor of her above himself, in public and in private, she is accepting the support she deserves and allowing a man to gain self-esteem through spiritual self-development. Women's insight and beauty nurture men's lives, and the symbiosis between women and men is for her sensual stimulation and spiritual influence on men to be repaid with honor and service to her needs and happiness by men. (For more on this concept, see the other articles under the "gender philosophy" category.) Once she perceives her importance to men's lives as a recipient of their nurturing, she will have clarity in perceiving how to preserve her resources around men and more confidence in asserting her emotional boundaries with them.
A woman first creates a structure of behavior for herself by determining her own interpersonal boundaries, such as what she will or will not tolerate in other’s treatment of her, and what level of intimacy she is willing and able to give to a man in the context of a certain show of trustworthiness and reliability from him. She adheres to her own structure by setting her limits with men in public and not tolerating exposure to anyone’s disrespect.
Once she is in a relationship, she provides or shares this structure with her chosen man by teaching him her boundaries. Only she can determine what tasks or achievements a man must accomplish for her in her presence in order to win different levels of her trust, and increased privileges to her attention, and these are based simply on her knowledge of her emotional responses and what enables her to enjoy herself and to trust a man.
Decisiveness regarding her standards and consistency about enforcing them is essential to inspiring him to be devoted to pleasing her. The more decisive and consistent she is in demonstrating her expectations, and the more reliable in action, the more confident he is that he knows how to please her and the more motivated he will be to show himself successful at it. It works well when she keeps her standards high to begin with, yet attainable for him, so that both her esteem for him and his own self-esteem will grow from the process of pursuing her favor.
Discipline and Boundary Enforcement
Preserving trust requires that a woman hold a man accountable for respecting her boundaries. Enforcing her boundaries in a relationship doesn’t require any fighting or emotional struggles. All it requires is for a woman to be decisive, to get her emotions under control in private, to relay the rules of intimacy and disciplinary measures to him in a straightforward way, and then follow them up with action when the situation arises. Just like a woman cannot argue with her instinctual emotions or her comfort zone, there is no argument to be had over the structure she has created based on these if he has chosen to accept her as she is. It is through demonstration of her own adherence to her boundaries that she enforces them with him, so there is no need for fighting to gain his support. He either follows her example or he leaves and gets his own place.
When there is a breach in trust because of his failure to respect her in attitude or action, the trust can only be repaired by a restoration of her faith in him, and his own faith in himself, to do better. An effective way to do this is to create a way for him to demonstrate his reversal of attitude through temporarily sacrificing his own comfort or honor in his own eyes to contribute to her comfort or honor. This can take many forms and depends on the couple and the symbolic metaphors that have developed between them for expressing sacrifice and respect.
Because it is the woman’s boundary that has been violated, it is she who initiates the confrontation with him to communicate the emotional effects of his behavior on her and what the consequences are for him with regard to his access to her. Likewise, she is the one to decide what temporary sacrifice he can make, what gesture he can give, to show his change of heart and devotion to honoring her.
When a woman asserts her need to have her faith restored in her man before they continue to be intimate, and when she allows him to make sacrifices for her by creating tasks for him that will benefit her, she gives him a chance to really earn her trust back and to impress her again so that she harbors no resentment or distrust. The opportunity provides the man with a catharsis for his sense of guilt and unworthiness of her in the form of his personal sacrifice, and when he benefits her in the process his self-esteem and self-confidence in his worthiness of her love grows. This success makes him much more devoted to protecting her honor and welfare, which he has begun to personally nurture and invest all levels of himself in.
Conclusion
A woman can believe in her importance and demonstrate it to others, whether they succeed at acknowledging it or not. Disrespectful men might think that losing her companionship won’t matter, but their feelings eventually demonstrate that it does matter, and that women are very important to their happiness. When a woman follows her own code of behavior for self-respect and respect for women, she inspires others by example, not argument, and avoids needlessly spending her energy on things like engaging emotionally with combative men. Perhaps one of the most convincing demonstrations of self-respect is the preservation of one’s own time and energy when dealing with men by using fewer words and more action.
Women are natural leaders in relationships, and when a woman realizes this it becomes apparent that she has the power to create justice in a relationship simply by controlling the pace of a man's access to her and regulating her rewards for good behavior. Bad behavior can be dealt with in a number of ways involving deterrents that demonstrate social justice and inspire behavior modification, but this involves energy and an investment in a man. When dealing with bad behavior from a man, one has to ask themselves if they are planning on holding on to him for a while or not. If not, it is more energy efficient for a woman to simply move on. Some men are best taught by demonstration that a woman he wants can leave him and never look back if he takes his chance to honor her for granted.
Justice Happens When People Are Honest
Justice for a man’s behavior towards women comes about when the woman he’s pursuing is honest about the feelings she is left with after spending time with him. When considering whether to put up with something or not, and how to spare a man’s feelings from reality, it is the most honest thing to assert one’s own feelings, needs and perspective, and in the end it is the best for his eventual enlightenment and happiness. Initially, though, it might lead to his crankiness.
A woman always has the option of masking her instinctual response for the sake of keeping a man compliant, or invoking his compliance, with what she wants from him. However, when a woman agrees to endure a man’s insensitive, unsupportive and unsacrificing behavior towards her she is not demonstrating an instinctual response but a contrived one where his failure to please her is compensated for by her over-exertion at the expense of her emotional peace.
This can be a way of manipulating the outcome of their encounter in the attempt to ensure the relationship works, or appears to work, even though she is not amused by this man’s behavior. It requires a person to bypass their emotional instincts and trespass their Goddess/God given comfort zone, which exists to protect them from injustice and thereby prevent others from being able to get away with acting unjustly towards them. So, responding to one’s instinctual sense of what is admirable or what is asinine ensures that a man is held accountable to the mechanism of universal justice that is built into our souls.
If the situation calls for disappointment with him and orders to get lost, honesty requires that it be done despite the desire to make the relationship appear like she wishes it to be. No pandering is necessary, and no sugarcoating of the true emotional situation he has precipitated is going to help him. Simple communication about the matter allows him to see the social consequences of that behavior and how it can undermine all of his relationships.
Avoiding The Not-Yet-Humble Man
Many disrespectful forms of behavior from men go undetected because of the excuses that these behaviors are common among others or are just meant as a joke. Such behaviors include not responding to what a woman says, interrupting a woman when she is speaking, touching a woman without permission, teasingly provoking or countering a woman or otherwise not causing her to laugh at his self-flattering joke, diminishing or playing games with the honor he owes her, denying that he owes women compensatory preference, and resisting concern for women's interests on the basis of preserving his own from them. Provoking and countering are the behaviors of a combative man who has a defiant disposition towards women, perhaps out of defensiveness over his failures towards them in the past. These signs indicate that a man is pretty much going to be useless to women for a long time under the best training conditions.
If a man's reoccurring behavior indicates a deep attitude problem, one where his thinking process is self-absorbed, self-preoccupied or egotistical, and therefore blind to the emotional needs of a woman, it is likely that his capacity for awareness of others and non-manipulative self-sacrifice is considerably stunted. Without others consistently demonstrating his undesirability when he employs selfish behaviors, or the potential for his romantic life once he shows a change in attitude, he will not have any reason to raise his effort level.
Trying to change the mind of this person or teach him a woman’s perspective is expended energy that is not worth the trouble, because he is not yet convinced of his vulnerability to women. Let life teach him this. The warning of an honest woman, a woman who appeals to him, and losing his access to her will bring him back to reality. The most efficient form of correction is for a woman to preserve her energy by stating her disapproval and leaving to let his own feelings teach him the rest. Leaving him by himself, or at least without her company and support, is non-combative because it is simply the acceptance of his anti-social behavior and her freedom from exposure to it.
The benefits of access to a woman’s presence and her company are powerful motivators for men, and the withdrawal of these benefits in response to careless or disrespectful behavior is punishment enough for them to have a change of heart over time.
Designing Sustainable Relationship Structures Through Honesty
In this way, fighting people and their wills is a waste of energy and is not necessary to demonstrate one’s importance or the importance of women. Nor is fighting with people necessary to achieve one’s standards for social behavior in a relationship.
Once a woman gets in touch with her true feelings regarding what she likes and what she doesn’t like, what she desires, and what her standards for social behavior are for men in her presence, she has the ability to teach a humble man how to please her.
It is also important for a woman to understand what role men play in fulfilling justice for women. Men are made to nurture women. It is built into their instincts. They are happy when their woman is happy, and when they see they have played an essential role in making her happy they are inspired to do more to please her. All they need is direction from her on how, specifically, to do so at that time. When a woman is willing to accept a man's sacrifices for her comfort and honor of her above himself, in public and in private, she is accepting the support she deserves and allowing a man to gain self-esteem through spiritual self-development. Women's insight and beauty nurture men's lives, and the symbiosis between women and men is for her sensual stimulation and spiritual influence on men to be repaid with honor and service to her needs and happiness by men. (For more on this concept, see the other articles under the "gender philosophy" category.) Once she perceives her importance to men's lives as a recipient of their nurturing, she will have clarity in perceiving how to preserve her resources around men and more confidence in asserting her emotional boundaries with them.
A woman first creates a structure of behavior for herself by determining her own interpersonal boundaries, such as what she will or will not tolerate in other’s treatment of her, and what level of intimacy she is willing and able to give to a man in the context of a certain show of trustworthiness and reliability from him. She adheres to her own structure by setting her limits with men in public and not tolerating exposure to anyone’s disrespect.
Once she is in a relationship, she provides or shares this structure with her chosen man by teaching him her boundaries. Only she can determine what tasks or achievements a man must accomplish for her in her presence in order to win different levels of her trust, and increased privileges to her attention, and these are based simply on her knowledge of her emotional responses and what enables her to enjoy herself and to trust a man.
Decisiveness regarding her standards and consistency about enforcing them is essential to inspiring him to be devoted to pleasing her. The more decisive and consistent she is in demonstrating her expectations, and the more reliable in action, the more confident he is that he knows how to please her and the more motivated he will be to show himself successful at it. It works well when she keeps her standards high to begin with, yet attainable for him, so that both her esteem for him and his own self-esteem will grow from the process of pursuing her favor.
Discipline and Boundary Enforcement
Preserving trust requires that a woman hold a man accountable for respecting her boundaries. Enforcing her boundaries in a relationship doesn’t require any fighting or emotional struggles. All it requires is for a woman to be decisive, to get her emotions under control in private, to relay the rules of intimacy and disciplinary measures to him in a straightforward way, and then follow them up with action when the situation arises. Just like a woman cannot argue with her instinctual emotions or her comfort zone, there is no argument to be had over the structure she has created based on these if he has chosen to accept her as she is. It is through demonstration of her own adherence to her boundaries that she enforces them with him, so there is no need for fighting to gain his support. He either follows her example or he leaves and gets his own place.
When there is a breach in trust because of his failure to respect her in attitude or action, the trust can only be repaired by a restoration of her faith in him, and his own faith in himself, to do better. An effective way to do this is to create a way for him to demonstrate his reversal of attitude through temporarily sacrificing his own comfort or honor in his own eyes to contribute to her comfort or honor. This can take many forms and depends on the couple and the symbolic metaphors that have developed between them for expressing sacrifice and respect.
Because it is the woman’s boundary that has been violated, it is she who initiates the confrontation with him to communicate the emotional effects of his behavior on her and what the consequences are for him with regard to his access to her. Likewise, she is the one to decide what temporary sacrifice he can make, what gesture he can give, to show his change of heart and devotion to honoring her.
When a woman asserts her need to have her faith restored in her man before they continue to be intimate, and when she allows him to make sacrifices for her by creating tasks for him that will benefit her, she gives him a chance to really earn her trust back and to impress her again so that she harbors no resentment or distrust. The opportunity provides the man with a catharsis for his sense of guilt and unworthiness of her in the form of his personal sacrifice, and when he benefits her in the process his self-esteem and self-confidence in his worthiness of her love grows. This success makes him much more devoted to protecting her honor and welfare, which he has begun to personally nurture and invest all levels of himself in.
Conclusion
A woman can believe in her importance and demonstrate it to others, whether they succeed at acknowledging it or not. Disrespectful men might think that losing her companionship won’t matter, but their feelings eventually demonstrate that it does matter, and that women are very important to their happiness. When a woman follows her own code of behavior for self-respect and respect for women, she inspires others by example, not argument, and avoids needlessly spending her energy on things like engaging emotionally with combative men. Perhaps one of the most convincing demonstrations of self-respect is the preservation of one’s own time and energy when dealing with men by using fewer words and more action.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Being a Woman in Western Society
There are so many reasons why it is great to be a woman. For many years I was blind to the value of being female and feminine because of a presumption in our society that women are disadvantaged biologically compared to men and are therefore inherently predisposed to losing physical and social battles with men. Thus, the assumption by many a coarse person that women are losers, wimps, or “pussies” as the phrase goes.
This perspective places way too much importance on the material world and appearances of power based on material measurements. An example of this presumption is the idea that “bigger is better”, when referring to the amount of space an individual takes up, or the size of a car, or the size of a house. Obviously, none of these examples support this theory as it is probably more evident now than ever that material conservation in car size and house size is better for all of us environmentally, not to mention the discovery of most people that the bigger their house is, the more cleaning they wind up having to do. Similarly, body mass has its disadvantages.
Most importantly, biological evolution and human social evolution demonstrate that people and living things adapt to the limitations of their environment by finding other means and methods for achieving their original goals.
This is the case with women, as being female requires women to rely on ways of protecting themselves and getting what they want other than physical confrontation. Women often have to develop psychological strengths and rely on the mental skills of secrecy, planning, and cunning, as well as keen observation of other people, to protect themselves from others’ injustices and bullying. They often use political maneuvers, using their perception of social dynamics and motivations of people, to win what they want despite the blocking of their social opportunities by male favoritism.
Women are expert communicators with the ability to put their feelings into words, listen to others, and interpret nuances in what is being said. This is due to the fact that most women in this culture are encouraged from youth to channel their energies into communicating with others and other activities that seem physically non-aggressive.
Also, because of the encouraged practice among women to take false responsibility for other people’s happiness and pacification, women develop powers of observation to perceive what others think and feel. With practice, they acquire methods of psychological manipulation to charm people with flattery of their ego to appease them or indirectly influence the wills of those who dominate their life to get what they want.
These are formidable skills, giving women power that often overrides the physical aggression of dominating men and male favoritism in society’s judgments. Examples of this include the political cunning and success of Elizabeth I, Queen of England, considered one of the most, or the most, powerful and shrewd monarch in history; the amazing success and “luck” of Grace O’Malley, who I wrote about earlier in the month; the many women who successfully posed as men to join the American Civil War; and the successful career of Dr. James Barry, medical surgeon and soldier for the British army who rose to the rank of medical superintendent-general and wasn’t discovered to be a woman until his/her autopsy (Holland, 2001).
Women’s social training also gives them the extra awareness of others that enables them to be considerate, empathetic, and nurturing. Practicing these abilities creates a sense of intimacy with others that makes personal sacrifices and altruism worthwhile.
The regular practice of interpersonal skills also gives women additional confidence in their ability to identify and feel emotions without being overwhelmed by them. This often leads to a high degree of emotional and mental adaptability, making them adept at changing in and out of emotions without losing the ability to make practical decisions. For example, many women stay in unhappy marriages for a while for the practical reason of ensuring their children’s safety and material provision, as well as their own safety. Nevertheless, they can express and release their discontent and pain verbally and with physical expression to those who are trustworthy without compromising their decision.
Women's emotional adaptability also enables them to move on from a relationship with a man who no longer contributes to their practical concerns for safety and happiness. They are able to quickly change loyalties, if necessary, and switch their emotional ties with people to ensure their physical and emotional safety and comfort. Despite their emotional swings, women are extremely practical in their allegiances. This fact indicates that their emotional changes are not a sign of weakness but of confidence in handling emotions, and also that women’s emotional expressiveness serves the practical purpose of giving them the mental flexibility and resilience to deal with changes in their life situation. A minor example of this would be how women can easily switch their perception of a male “friend” to seeing him as a potential lover, or how they can demote a “lover” to the status of a male “friend”. These changes in perspective on relationships seem to come a lot harder and take a lot more time for men.
One of the benefits of being seen by others as “weak” and “vulnerable” compared to men is not having people be surprised when we cry. And crying releases tension, grief, and stress for women, most likely accounting for the fact that women have a longer lifespan than men. I have actually heard men lament their inability to cry, including a man who was mourning a family-member’s death and said he wanted and needed to cry but couldn’t get that emotional and psychological release because he had been so conditioned by others to not let himself cry or express emotion.
In fact, the benefit in being part of a people group that has been regularly under-estimated and discriminated against is the opportunity to perceive the wrongness of the behaviors that hurt you early enough in life to prevent doing them yourself. Those wrongs are mistakes that other people made, and will one day regret, so that you don’t have to. Freedom from the guilt and embarrassment of having been unjust to others is a beautiful thing and lasts a lifetime.
That is one of the reasons that I try to identify any hatred of women in myself, any predisposition towards over-scrutinizing and criticizing women, or attitude of over-crediting and making allowances for men, and deliberately change my way of thinking to reflect my convictions. Those convictions come from having been wounded, over and over again, by men’s critical attitude towards women, disregard for women’s feelings, lack of appreciation for women’s sacrifices and achievements, and double-standard judgment in favor of men. If I hate those attitudes and behaviors in other people because of how they short-changed me, then the gift in having been stung by them is to not be guilty of that foolishness myself. However, this requires me to heed what those experiences with men have taught me and to not be afraid to change myself.
Physically, women are powerful to the same degree as men, or more so, through their inherent sensual beauty compared to men. Women’s sensual allure has a more pervasive influence on people than male physical aggression does, because it evokes men’s pleasure and instinctive allegiance towards the woman they encounter, simply by sight. It hypnotizes them, basically. It is a more subtle form of power than violence, and encourages social and political pacifism. The subtlety of women’s physical power makes it all the more powerful for lack of anticipation by others, and carries a lot less guilt than intimidation.
So being a woman is an enviable social position that puts women in a position to be role models for men. The benefits of being female in our society are all around us, and only need to be acknowledged to be appreciated. Being a woman in the context of Western society produces the power to evoke desire and allegiance from others, the opportunity to avoid the moral mistakes of others, the enhanced abilities to perceive people’s attitudes and vulnerabilities to protect oneself or help others, the self-defense skills of cunning and outsmarting bullies, relief from unnecessary emotional tensions on a regular basis, an extra long lifespan, the ability to adapt to new social situations and roles for maximizing practicality, and the ability to understand and relate to other people and feel a sense of emotional intimacy from that. These advantages and forms of power enable women to win what they really want and circumvent other people’s resistance to it.
References:
Barbara Holland,2001. They Went Whistling: Women Wayfarers, Warrior, Runaways, and Renegades
This perspective places way too much importance on the material world and appearances of power based on material measurements. An example of this presumption is the idea that “bigger is better”, when referring to the amount of space an individual takes up, or the size of a car, or the size of a house. Obviously, none of these examples support this theory as it is probably more evident now than ever that material conservation in car size and house size is better for all of us environmentally, not to mention the discovery of most people that the bigger their house is, the more cleaning they wind up having to do. Similarly, body mass has its disadvantages.
Most importantly, biological evolution and human social evolution demonstrate that people and living things adapt to the limitations of their environment by finding other means and methods for achieving their original goals.
This is the case with women, as being female requires women to rely on ways of protecting themselves and getting what they want other than physical confrontation. Women often have to develop psychological strengths and rely on the mental skills of secrecy, planning, and cunning, as well as keen observation of other people, to protect themselves from others’ injustices and bullying. They often use political maneuvers, using their perception of social dynamics and motivations of people, to win what they want despite the blocking of their social opportunities by male favoritism.
Women are expert communicators with the ability to put their feelings into words, listen to others, and interpret nuances in what is being said. This is due to the fact that most women in this culture are encouraged from youth to channel their energies into communicating with others and other activities that seem physically non-aggressive.
Also, because of the encouraged practice among women to take false responsibility for other people’s happiness and pacification, women develop powers of observation to perceive what others think and feel. With practice, they acquire methods of psychological manipulation to charm people with flattery of their ego to appease them or indirectly influence the wills of those who dominate their life to get what they want.
These are formidable skills, giving women power that often overrides the physical aggression of dominating men and male favoritism in society’s judgments. Examples of this include the political cunning and success of Elizabeth I, Queen of England, considered one of the most, or the most, powerful and shrewd monarch in history; the amazing success and “luck” of Grace O’Malley, who I wrote about earlier in the month; the many women who successfully posed as men to join the American Civil War; and the successful career of Dr. James Barry, medical surgeon and soldier for the British army who rose to the rank of medical superintendent-general and wasn’t discovered to be a woman until his/her autopsy (Holland, 2001).
Women’s social training also gives them the extra awareness of others that enables them to be considerate, empathetic, and nurturing. Practicing these abilities creates a sense of intimacy with others that makes personal sacrifices and altruism worthwhile.
The regular practice of interpersonal skills also gives women additional confidence in their ability to identify and feel emotions without being overwhelmed by them. This often leads to a high degree of emotional and mental adaptability, making them adept at changing in and out of emotions without losing the ability to make practical decisions. For example, many women stay in unhappy marriages for a while for the practical reason of ensuring their children’s safety and material provision, as well as their own safety. Nevertheless, they can express and release their discontent and pain verbally and with physical expression to those who are trustworthy without compromising their decision.
Women's emotional adaptability also enables them to move on from a relationship with a man who no longer contributes to their practical concerns for safety and happiness. They are able to quickly change loyalties, if necessary, and switch their emotional ties with people to ensure their physical and emotional safety and comfort. Despite their emotional swings, women are extremely practical in their allegiances. This fact indicates that their emotional changes are not a sign of weakness but of confidence in handling emotions, and also that women’s emotional expressiveness serves the practical purpose of giving them the mental flexibility and resilience to deal with changes in their life situation. A minor example of this would be how women can easily switch their perception of a male “friend” to seeing him as a potential lover, or how they can demote a “lover” to the status of a male “friend”. These changes in perspective on relationships seem to come a lot harder and take a lot more time for men.
One of the benefits of being seen by others as “weak” and “vulnerable” compared to men is not having people be surprised when we cry. And crying releases tension, grief, and stress for women, most likely accounting for the fact that women have a longer lifespan than men. I have actually heard men lament their inability to cry, including a man who was mourning a family-member’s death and said he wanted and needed to cry but couldn’t get that emotional and psychological release because he had been so conditioned by others to not let himself cry or express emotion.
In fact, the benefit in being part of a people group that has been regularly under-estimated and discriminated against is the opportunity to perceive the wrongness of the behaviors that hurt you early enough in life to prevent doing them yourself. Those wrongs are mistakes that other people made, and will one day regret, so that you don’t have to. Freedom from the guilt and embarrassment of having been unjust to others is a beautiful thing and lasts a lifetime.
That is one of the reasons that I try to identify any hatred of women in myself, any predisposition towards over-scrutinizing and criticizing women, or attitude of over-crediting and making allowances for men, and deliberately change my way of thinking to reflect my convictions. Those convictions come from having been wounded, over and over again, by men’s critical attitude towards women, disregard for women’s feelings, lack of appreciation for women’s sacrifices and achievements, and double-standard judgment in favor of men. If I hate those attitudes and behaviors in other people because of how they short-changed me, then the gift in having been stung by them is to not be guilty of that foolishness myself. However, this requires me to heed what those experiences with men have taught me and to not be afraid to change myself.
Physically, women are powerful to the same degree as men, or more so, through their inherent sensual beauty compared to men. Women’s sensual allure has a more pervasive influence on people than male physical aggression does, because it evokes men’s pleasure and instinctive allegiance towards the woman they encounter, simply by sight. It hypnotizes them, basically. It is a more subtle form of power than violence, and encourages social and political pacifism. The subtlety of women’s physical power makes it all the more powerful for lack of anticipation by others, and carries a lot less guilt than intimidation.
So being a woman is an enviable social position that puts women in a position to be role models for men. The benefits of being female in our society are all around us, and only need to be acknowledged to be appreciated. Being a woman in the context of Western society produces the power to evoke desire and allegiance from others, the opportunity to avoid the moral mistakes of others, the enhanced abilities to perceive people’s attitudes and vulnerabilities to protect oneself or help others, the self-defense skills of cunning and outsmarting bullies, relief from unnecessary emotional tensions on a regular basis, an extra long lifespan, the ability to adapt to new social situations and roles for maximizing practicality, and the ability to understand and relate to other people and feel a sense of emotional intimacy from that. These advantages and forms of power enable women to win what they really want and circumvent other people’s resistance to it.
References:
Barbara Holland,2001. They Went Whistling: Women Wayfarers, Warrior, Runaways, and Renegades
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